La Zona Muerta

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Give the book to a crony, Tony
And get yourself free

Oh, I kid.

Mostly.

Dynamite 250, eh? What did All Elite Wrestling do to celebrate this milestone on this special evening?

They paid lip service to it.

They showed a VIDEO PACKAGE, which the kids on the street seem to enjoy.

You got an hour long match between Maxwell Jacob Friedman and Will Ospreay (more on this to come), and a first time over bout between Swerve Strickland and Kazuchika Okada (sadly, also more on this in a bit).

That’s about it. The show wasn’t particularly good, bad or memorable. The allegedly hottest angle from last week, the Toni Storm / Mariah May thing? Mariah May came out and got that most dreaded of reactions, the infamous “WHAT?” chant. The… ugh… Acclaimed joined Team AEW for Blood and Guts. Okada acted like a dipshit in the back, awestruck by Mercedes Moné. Later, after Britt Baker snuck into the crowd in a Sting mask (not the only Sting reference tonight, by the by), Moné got SHOOT TACKLED by an overzealous security person. Chris Jericho got headbutted by Minoru Suzuki (who everyone seemed to forget challenged Jericho prior to Forbidden Door). Jack Perry killed Brandon Cutler to death to prove a point. Darby rappelled from the sky, like a certain franchise player of World Championship Wrestling (by the way, who killed that venerable organization? Is Eric Bischoff still out looking for the real killers?) and joined Team AEW for WarGames Blood and Guts. Excalibur, playing the role of “dumb announcer” to it’s fullest, screamed “IS HE THE FIFTH MAN FOR TEAM AEW?!”

There, I described the show for you in just about the level of detail it deserved. Oh wait, here’s some breaking news. I have a brief message from Tony Schiavone:

Strangely, for the 250th episode, Schiavone was the one who got to say “bitch” for the 250th time (since they average one b-word per episode. Yes, OF COURSE the math is sound! How dare you doubt me).

So. Why am I avoiding talking about the two big matches on the show?

Why indeed.

You couldn’t call Ospreay / MJF bad by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe it dragged on a bit, but it was mostly really good and MJF, bloated ego, bad skin, lifts in his boots and all… is, if anything, UNDERRATED in ring. The match looked like it was going to be an hour draw (something else I think AEW does too much, the time limit draw, but I can’t really go into my rant about that as that’s not what we got, here). As the time limit approached, both men were tired and sweaty (it being Little Rock, the temperature in ring was probably stifling). The whole match had been pretty much predicated upon Ospreay having a bad shoulder that needed to be popped into place by… sigh… Doc Sampson (not the green haired psychiatrist of Marvel Comics fame, sadly). Will was having to muscle Max up into powerbomb position with one arm and the like. Will couldn’t put Max away with his one-armed offense and finally decided to use the taboo TIGER DRIVER ’91.

Let me quote myself from Bluesky last night:

“Tiger Driver existential crisis into NXT face into ref bump into cheating into last second win. I dunno, man”

I don’t know if I can put the finish any better than the me of twelve hours ago did; that’s what happened. Ospreay had his crisis of conscience about using the hold, he made a derpy face about it, PERFORMANCE CENTER STYLE, he and Max plowed over the ref, Max hit Will with the stupid Dynamite Diamond Ring and eked out the win one second before the time limit.

I can’t say I HATED the finish, but it was definitely an eye roller. It does not hype me up for Wembley, and “Max wins, LOL” is not the direction I would be pursuing right now.

So then, you had Swerve and Okada, and since you had a finish (albeit a tainted one) in the match above, here was where you got to have the bullshit cop out schmoz to end the show. And you know what? Before the schmoz…

This match wasn’t all that good. It’s like they were told “okay, you guys have fifteen minutes. Don’t bother doing anything in particular,” and they didn’t really. The match never got out of first gear… and sure. maybe they are holding back for something down the line but again, this was just such an eyeroll as the Elite spilled out of the back to tease Blood and Guts next week. It all felt pointless.

This isn’t the time to be holding back, to make the audience roll it’s collective eyes. They need to be engaging in the full court press as Wembley looms, not giving us fake outs. Blood and Guts better deliver, man. They have to make Wembley one HELL of a lot more clear; it’s five weeks away.

Two hundred and fifty episodes is quite an achievement… I just wish that they had played it up a bit more, made it a bigger deal, made this an unforgettable episode instead of a rather blah one.