La Zona Muerta

In a way, it’s kind of a relief to have Blood and Guts (hereafter B&G) out of the way; we can concentrate on All In and Out and Arthur Ashe and etc. I mean, there are a million other things to worry about and all of us, not one single person who watches AEW… collectively, we will know NO PEACE until the goddamned media rights deal is announced. I’m confident AEW has a decent deal in the bag (so to speak), but obviously nothing is for sure until it’s for sure. Frankly, in regards to the inevitable and unavoidable media deal, I really think the two things that should matter the most to us, the end users would be the following:

1. Do they do something dumb like make Dynamite three hours or add even MORE programming somewhere?
2. Do pay per views FINALLY end up on MAX (and, supplemental question, does that mean they are “free,” the way WWE events are with a Peacock subscription or do we still pay for them)?

I really have no inside information in regards to the first question, but it’s crystal clear AEW has been playing around with the idea of three hour blocks of late. I’m sure some people would be like “yay for more screen time for X,” but… even a modest overrun on Wednesdays leaves me sort of champing at the bit to switch to non-wrestling related activities as quickly as possible. I do have a tiny touch of info in regards to the second thing… the weirdness around not announcing All In as a pay per view until the last moment last year was DEFINITELY due to it being slated to being on MAX… and then it just didn’t happen for whatever reason (presumably because MAX wasn’t shored up infrastructurally for live events or maybe for PPV, something they still don’t have an engine inplace for, so far as I’m aware). There were mock ups for the advertising internally and everything. Yet, despite and nonetheless, it didn’t happen.

Will it happen this year? I mean, who knows. My wallet would appreciate it if they adopt a Peacock-esque model, certainly. Big Dave Meltzer said on the BOARD~! that a streamer would have to cough up around $35 million to make giving said streamer the PPV rights make sense, and that’s a lot of bread. I don’t genuinely know how much of a driver AEW PPV would be; you can count on around 130,000 give or take 10,000 people to buy every show. Could you count on them to all sign up for MAX? Would that make a difference to WBD’s bottom line? Would a huge influx of eyes start watching AEW PPV if it were free on MAX? We’re in uncharted waters. Answers on a postcard.

I guess I should probably talk about Dynamite. That makes it sound like I’m trepidatious somehow and that’s not the case; Dyna was pretty good for the most part. I’ll freely bury how we GOT to B&G, tho’; the Bucks just coming out and saying “Hey, we’re tough guys and we’ll do Blood and Guts with whomever steps up” was BAD, just lazy and rotten. Adding the Acclaimed made sense from a booking standpoint, but it sucked, and obviously, Max Caster proved to be a complete non factor, a cipherous ZERO in the match itself. Are you surprised? Of course not. The best wrestler alive? More like “Not even the best wrestler in his own team,” and that includes BILL E. GUNN. If you know how I feel about THAT walking chemical billboard, you know how little esteem I hold Caster in.

Anyway, B&G had ZERO STAKES. AEW produced a Road To special (remember those?) with a very gravelly voiced “Iceman” Dean Malenko telling us about the cruel structure and people talking about a battle for the soul of AEW or whatever but literally nothing was on the line. No “control” of the company. Bragging rights?! Gedouddahea. It set up some stuff for All In, I suppose, but that was never an official thing, not a stip of the match itself.

Right, the show. I keep distracting myself.

So, Will Ospreay’s tires were slashed, so he was gonna be late to the arena. He absconded with Alex Marvez’ car (and, I suppose, Marvez himself). Right as I screamed “does he know how to drive in America?!” to the old lady, Marvez asked the same thing. VINDICATION.

Of course, the dastardly villain who slashed the Arial Assassin’s tire was Maxwell Jacob Friedman, MJF (as Justin Roberts might say). MJF came out and cut the most bog standard promo you’ve ever heard in your life. I looked at my sweetie. “Did he always rely on cheap heat like this?” I asked. She looked at me as if I were a dullard. “Yes,” she hissed.

I guess I’M the dipshit.

Oh, and MJF renamed the whatever the title Ospreay held was to… I dunno, the US title or the American title or whatever. Something like that. I was flashing back to not caring about the EXACT same thing when it happened in New Japan a year and a half ago. Ospreay and his purloined vehicle did make it in time to challenge MJF formally for Wembley, so that’s something I guess.

Jericho and Suzuki had something approximating a match. It was largely just a chopfest, and in the right mood, I might have dug it, but Jericho is Jericho and Suzuki is on the wane. A cynical man might suggest that, since tonite was BLOOD AND OR GUTS, maybe Jericho wanted to leave an impression and gigged his chest to get BLOOD BEFORE THE BLOOD, but… that really IS a cynical thing to say, even for me. Don’t think we weren’t screaming it at the TV, tho’. A CONSPIRACY (victim)? Suzuki beat the shit out of Jericho for a pretty extended period of time but fell to *checks notes* a low blow and an elbow to the face. I assume Suzuki thinks a low blow and an elbow to the face constitute a good Friday night.

An oldie but a goodie (both the drawing and the man)

There was an odd segment where Bryan Danielson got an unsolicited pep talk from Jeff Jarrett. No mention of Swerve. No one cares. This is the MAIN EVENT for Wembley and it’s such a snooze. They told us to watch the unexpurgated promo on YouTube. I mean, I guess.

Doctor Britt Baker, DMD and Hikaru Shida had a match. ‘Twas fine, nothing to write home about. Or write about here, really. Britt looked okay. The big news was that Britt, distracted by Mercedes Moné’s truly terrible theme music, and even worse promo skills got laid out by the debuting Kamille (forestalling those millions of “where’s Kamille” posts from people who never watched on second of NWA Powerrrrrrrrrrrrrr). So, I guess she’s Moné’s heater? Fine, I guess. I’m not really impressed either way.

PAC did that thing where he mean mugs the camera during his entrance. LOVE THAT. He beat up one of the former Bear Country dudes. I think it was Bear Boulder. I tell you, I used to watch BEYOND Wrestling fairly regularly and I really liked Bear Country. THEY FUCKING STINK IN AEW, especially with their awful manager. They teased that since my beloved CMLL luchadore TEMPLARIO is fighting MJF on Friday (I think?) in Arena Mexico for the America’s Cup or whatever it’s called, PAC could conceivably be fighting Templario. DON’T TEASE ME THAT WAY YOU UNBELIEVABLE PRICKS.

Mariah May came out. I believe she’s called “the Glamour,” now. I was more concerned that she didn’t come out to Living Colour’s “Glamour Boys” (I’m fierce). Quick squash-o. I have still yet to see ANY proof that May is this awesome wrestler. Sorry. Toni was disguised somehow (it was a bit unclear to me; maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention) and they had a pull apart. Toni said.. .something, but she was so shrill and the audio tonite was SO WRETCHED that I didn’t really understand any of it. Would have been REALLY COOL if she had come out as OG Toni Storm here (having been shocked back to normal by Mariah’s betrayal) but I don’t think they are willing to pull the trigger on something like that.

It was finally time for Blood and Guts. I was PRAYING for this guy to show up:

“It was too big to be called a sword. Massive, thick, heavy, and far too rough. Indeed, it was a heap of raw iron.”

… but as in most things in my life, I suffered disappointment.

These things with more than a few people and a vision obscuring cage are impossible to recap without going move by move and that’s duller than dishwater, so I’ll just go vague with entrances and impressions.

The match kicked off with Jack Perry coming out first (the bad guys won the coin toss, obviously) and Darby Allin second. Fun brawling to start. Nick Jackson came out next and they did some wacky stuff; Nick pulling out a bit of the offense he keeps in his pockets for a rainy day. The match heated up in earnest when Mark Briscoe came out, full of wacky, chicken-fueled Briscoe energy. Mark bled nearly immediately, of course. He did a great leap off of a chair into a lariat or somesuch. Fun stuff, too much to list. Matt Jackson came out next and did some signature Bucks stuff with his brother. They looked like they were having a blast. Both Jacksons came out with cases, that I assumed held either tacked up shoes or exploding shoes, but neither proved to be the case. Chekov’s Cases remained closed for awhile. Anthony Bowens came out next. He got a LOT in this match and looked good. Whenever I start saying mean things about Caster or the Acclaimed in general, please know that I am not holding Bowens accountable for Caster’s litany of sins. Around this point, fabulous powers were revealed to Darby when he held up his magic, tack-laden skateboard and said “By the power of Sting, I HAVE THE POWER~!” and he suddenly gained the powers of Sting for 38 seconds, hitting a Scorpion Deathdrop and smashing Nick with said skateboard. Later, Nick complained to Jack Perry “I HAVE TACKS IN MY ARM,” and Jack, good friend that he is, helped extricate them. The big man, Kazuchika Okada came out, He did good stuff in this match but there were a number of points where, I have no other way to say it… he was lost and just stood around. Probably not a super easy match for a non-native English speaker to be in, to be fair, but he was definitely out to sea at least a couple of times. Max Caster came in and did SWEET FUCK ALL. Best thing with Caster was when Okada filled his mouth with tacks and the Bucks superkicked him. It’s like everyone knew Caster would louse stuff up so they didn’t bother working with him. I get it, believe me. I said to Mrs Convoy, who admittedly was only watching to see if Max Caster somehow hurt himself, that Hangman Adam Page would not come out until after Swerve did. Get me, I’m Nostradamus. That’s exactly what happened… Hanger no showed until Swerve came on the scene and beat the hell out of him, chaining him to the outside of the cage. This part didn’t make a great deal of sense to me; suddenly Matt Jackson was FURIOUS with Hanger and told him to get in the ring or he’d be fired. Hangman neutralized Swerve! You should be happy with that! Hangman reluctantly got in the ring. Then, this REALLY made no sense; Jeff Jarrett and… sigh… Billy Gunn came to free Swerve and failed. Prince Nana came out with bolt cutters (obviously; this is why you’d have a manager) but Nana didn’t free Swerve because he was crowded out by Jarrett and Gunn. Huh? Finally, once Swerve was (somehow) freed, Nana gave Swerve the snips and he cut his way into the ring. NOW THE MATCH BEYOND (or whatever it’s called here) COULD BEGIN. Swerve went ham on everybody and then stood across the ring from Hangman, and the crowd chanted HOLY SHIT. Do NOT tell me that AEW didn’t build Hangman and Swerve to be the main event of Wembley. NO ONE CARES ABOUT SWERVE AND DANIELSON. THERE IS NOTHING THERE. PEOPLE FREAK OUT WHEN SWERVE AND HANGMAN INTERACT.

Ahem.

Swerve had a staple gun but finally, one of the mysterious cases was opened; it, too was laden, just lousy with staple guns. The Elite all armed themselves and TOOK TURNS STAPLING SWERVE. This was such a cool visual, really effective. Swerve sort of shook off the stapling and proceeded to staple everyone else in return, except Okada who was clearly like “yeah, I don’t want any part of this staple shit.” They did a presumably faux stapling to Okada’s middle finger which was funny. Throughout the match, you could tell that they are setting up Okada and Hangman for Wembley, which I suppose is fine, but again isn’t what people WANT to see. I also guess that means BIG KENNY O ain’t gonna be ready in time, either. The commercials started hurting the match; I think during picture in picture, Hangman and Swerve escaped the cage and somehow killed each other in an orgy of mutually assured destruction. Commentary said they fell off of the stage or something but I sure didn’t see it. Nick Jackson and Bowens definitely did the traditional leap off of the cage into some luckily adjacent tables spot. Mark Briscoe Jay Drillered everyone in sight. Love you Mark, but I hope Roddy Strong beats you for the ROH title on Friday. Case number two apparently contained handcuffs and circumstances dictated that the good guys got control of them. I think, at some point, Max Caster died back on his way to his home planet. More’s the pity. I actually thought he was going to turn heel and join the Elite for a second, but that was more down to him not knowing where to stand. Matt Jackson was cuffed to the ring ropes, Jack Perry was cuffed, Raven style, to the cage. To cut to the chase, Darby doused him in gasoline, fucked around for awhile under the ring, came out with a candle lighter, not a FLAMETHROWER as tradition dictated, threatened to set Jack on fire and Matt eventually begged off, granting Darby a TNT title match. Sort of felt like Darby was supposed to light something big on fire and then menace Jack with it? Maybe they thought that was too much for TV, maybe something went wrong… but either way… Matt just quit, mostly because he cared for his friend and didn’t want him to be hurt.

Huh.

What was largely a really fun B&G, probably the best one they’ve done, really, sort of fell apart in the last few minutes and had what I would call a pretty limp finish. It’s hard to bag on a match that had a lot of fun violence and silly spots, though.

So, a successful B&G? Um… sure, why not? I think they ended up doing some decent walk up numbers. The show will get killed in the ratings due to real life and the usual gang of idiots (no, not MAD Magazine) will hold AEW accountable and say WBD won’t renew them and etc. The goalposts will never, EVER stop moving but life will go on. They built All In a bit. We don’t really know what the Elite does here on out; one would assume they are all slated to lose at Wembley.

Color me in the mildly positive column but I’m still annoyed that Hangman / Swerve isn’t the big match for Wembley.

Now? I sleep.