La Zona Muerta

See what I did there? I’m a funny guy; I think of clever things.

So… All In came and went. As the masses continue to fight about whether or not 53 some odd thousand is good or not (it is, now move on for Gotch’s sake), AEW seems to be at a bit of a nadir domestically. I dunno… maybe don’t have All In, All Out and Grand Slam in the space of a month? Maybe make TV more compelling with a better through line? Of course, I’m not a guy running an Apple II for pleasure (shout out to my old BOARD~! comrade Mookie), so what the hell do I know?

This much I can tell you for free… I don’t regret not having purchased All In. I’ll definitely get All Out, tho’. I think that’s how it’s gonna have to be with AEW and I from here on in, unless I wake up tomorrow and find everything has been thrown onto MAX going forward… no more blindly purchasing the pay per views. You gotta EARN my ducats, baby.

So did AEW earn my ducats with this episode of Dynamite? I think it was largely good, with at least one thing that was legitimately GREAT. Well, maybe even a couple things.

The show kicked off with the return of Jon Moxley. Everyone was confused by him using his New Japan theme. DON’T YOU WATCH THE (sister) PRODUCT? He was mean and surly. Given that his disposition is not a mile away from mine, you’d think I’d like him better, but I was largely squinting my eyes at the screen, willing him not to touch Tony Schiavone. He called out Darby Allin and went to leave… and then came back to tell… someone? that AEW “doesn’t belong to you anymore!” Let’s put a pin in that for now, but, dear reader, I really can’t stand Moxley either as a character, a performer or even as a backstage presence. Blasphemy? Sure, to some, probably to most… but I think that, despite all the times I’m assured he puts people over, he’s a deeply ungenerous performer who really only cuts one promo and really only has one match. The lull he’s been in isn’t just one of booking: it’s one of character, of work. He needs to do something more than be angry, shouty man.

Alternate joke: “I wonder if Renee still has Mitch the Plant’s number?”

For some unknowable reason, a demented muse sat on my shoulder as I sat there, like a FUCKING CHUMP, painting this thing for over an hour. An hour spent on a wrestler’s likeness, a wrestler I GENUINELY DO NOT LIKE and it unironically came out great. “Why am I doing this?” I asked the redoubtable Mrs. Convoy as I struggled to replicate his droopy, sad eyes. “Well, you’re dedicated to your craft,” she said with a hint of a smile. It’s a fine line between love and hate or pleasure and pain or Skyline Chili and stomach cramps. If I weren’t a coward, I would have ran with her punchline for Mox’ thought balloon, a joke that would have got me SUPER cancelled. Some takes are TOO HOT. The Ambrose t-shirt was her idea, so if you like it / are offended by it, blame her. I was acting in the office of a parrot.

The funny thing is that, after the wretched F*ghtf*l had teased Moxley news behind their paywall Wednesday morning, I flat out said on one of my two main wrestling hangouts that whatever the update was would be moot as he’d be on this episode.

Get a load of Nostradamus over here. Five dollars, please. DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION NOW.

The only thing I got wrong… I figured Bryan Danielson was gonna retire and then Moxley was gonna come out to yell at him and either give him his third pep talk of the last month or fight him.

Anyway, enough about all of that; MEN WERE ABOUT TO PERFORM THE SPORT OF KINGS as TOMOHIRO ISHII AND HANGMAN ADAM PAGE BEAT THE EVER LOVING DOG SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER FOR TWENTY FIVE MINUTES. Then, after this terrific match where Ishii nearly ENDED PAGE’S LIFE WITH A DEADEYE (an inverted, over the shoulder piledriver. Trent Baretta used to call his version the “Crunchy,” which might give you an idea of what the move can do to you), Swerve Strickland came out and delivered a KILLER promo about why he had left Page in his rearview. Page was also tremendous here, pointing out, quite rightly, that Swerve had BROKEN INTO HIS HOUSE and really hadn’t truly defeated Page one on one. Even the missus, who generally hates Hangman, was into this. “I like him better as a derange-o,” she pointed out. I get it; that’s a premise hard to dispute. Swerve established that, at All Out, they will be having a cage match, and these two lunatics will use every inch of that thing to break and batter each other. It’s gonna be tough following that match *cough* Dragon *cough*.

Another great thing on the show; the return of Jamie Hayter. That’s someone who’s well being I was pretty concerned for; out for the better part of a year and a half, injured right as she was REALLY picking up traction as the true ace of the women’s division. I thought she looked good in ring; no dreaded RING RUST. The missus commented that she looked smaller, and yeah, I guess she was pretty yoked the last time she was an in ring competitor… but the nature of her injury probably precluded the super heavy lifting you need to look that. Not thrilled about having her building up a fight with Saraya (get out of my company!), but what can ya do? I suppose that makes sense, continuity-wise, right? It’s been awhile.

Maxwell Jacob Friedman came out, despite being Tiger Driven on Sunday. Look; I know he rubbed his neck a little and had KT tape but… the deadliest move EVA in wrestling and homeboy is out here just sorta paying lip service to it?

Sigh.

It ended up okay; Danny Garcia attacked and cut an impassioned promo, even incorporating the (possibly real) theft of MJF’s Dynamite Diamond Ring, challenging Max for All Out. God forbid that they put this kid over. The loss would mean nothing to Max (I mean, he won’t sell it so it would literally mean nothing) but the win could mean a LOT for Danny. We’ll see. The thought occurs… back when MJF allegedly almost didn’t do the job for Wardlow and then took a zillion powerbombs… he didn’t really sell then, either, because that following Wednesday was when he cut his “this company is run by a FUCKING MARK” promo.

I promise, I used to LOVE MJF. Nothing was more disastrous for AEW than making him a babyface champ, not even Brawl Out.We’re still feeling the effects, even after the course correction.

The eight man whatever followed, with Jericho’s dudes and Roddy and the Conglomothingie, the match where Tony Khan defensively took to Twitter to say “trust me” about. I mean, it was watchable, it was fine, but it wasn’t like it was must see TV, big Tone. The days of “trust me” have worn off, brother. Roddy Strong… he should be doing bigger, better things. I guess he’s the next challenger for the FTW title? It’ll suck when he loses. Forget RESTORE THE FEELING, restore END OF HEARTACHE.

We talk a lot about the Jericho Vortex (and it’s real, don’t get me wrong, despite what some popular podcasters may tell you), but we don’t talk enough about the Mercedes Vortex and what needs to be done to save Kazuchika Okada from it. ‘Nuff said. (Also? HE’S MARRIED. Remember when TNA tried to make Christian family man AJ Styles into mini Ric Flair? Yeah, that stunk.)

Mariah May showed off her charms. How about showing off some wrestling prowess? Because I’ve yet to see any from her. Sorry, STARDOM fans.

Somewhere around here they mentioned that the Grizzled Young Vets (I hope they are here to stay because the tag team side of things needs help. I have a sneaking suspicion that GYV are filling a void that the Motor City Machineguns would have occupied had they come Jacksonville way) are fighting the Outrunners and Konosuke Takeshita is taking on Mortos, Kommander and Lio Rush on Rampage. Holy cats, Rampage really IS for the sickos. I’m there, dude. And this time, if Takeshita is to really get a push… can it PLEASE be a consistent one?

It was finally time for the debut of Ricochet. It was good, I guess… it was fine, but… to me, Ricochet sort of demonstrates a particular problem with AEW. Of course, it’s impossible for AEW to not pick up guys from WWE. I was just saying how happy I was that GYV are now in AEW (although I don’t particularly consider them WWE guys)! However, Ricochet comes in, beats an AEW guy on the rise (Kyle Fletcher. Every week, my wife asks what is dumb nickname is. The Prototype? The Protozoa?) and is in the main event of Dynamite, right off the bat. How do you think that makes people in the back feel? Or long time viewers of the show feel? Meanwhile, you have Excalibur extolling his virtues, talking about his Pro Wrestling Guerilla cred (a promotion a fraction of a fraction of the audience has ever seen).

I guess that the line cutting for lack of a better term doesn’t bother some people, but it surely bothers me. Will Ospreay came out to investigate the aftermath of Fletcher / Ricochet but before he could say anything, he was BRUTALLY DUMPED RIGHT ON HIS GOLDURN HEAD via a poison rana by my beloved PAC. In fact, PAC agreed with me and told Ricochet to get to the back of the line. PREACH ON, BASTARD.

Mrs. Convoy, who was paying more attention to Dynamite this week than she typically might (I presume she was just looking for car crashes, the sicko), wondered what Rico might have been called if WWE had retained the rights to his name. “Trevor Mann?” I supplied. “No, no, if they had to come up with a fabulous fake gimmick, like TNA. A close but not quite name.” We bandied about a couple of ideas (Deflect, Boomerang) before settling on RECOIL. Truly a missed opportunity to stop people from calling him Rick O’Shay.

So, next we got Mox stalking around the back. He found some young boys to kill but before he did, someone yelled “MA’AM! MA’AM!” stage left and a hulking figure thundered in, murking the young boys entirely. It took us a LONG moment to figure out that it was Marina Shafir, of all people. Does Mox have a heater, now? Is this what he meant by “this company doesn’t belong to you anymore?” He gets an army of goons from Bloodsport and we have to see the likes of, I dunno, Kal Jak and ERIK HAMMER on TV? Gee, I actually might not mind that. Mox has been more stale than the heel of the loaf of bread molding away right now in your bread basket, so ANYTHING will help. As long as he doesn’t get carte blanche to bring in Sami Callihan or something, that is. *shudder*

Finally, Danielson came out to retire or whatever. I was PRAYING that he was going to relinquish the belt since everyone talked themselves into the last five weeks being good and memory holed the fact that he was supposed to retire, regardless. He copped (again) to the fact that he was working without a contract and supposed to retire, but the game is now he goes until he’s beat. Fine. He threw out the dreaded open challenge, and I was momentarily intrigued at the possibilities… but then the call was heeded by SA SCAPU GOATO Jack Perry. That’s… okay, I guess, but hardly a nailbiter, hardly a PPV driver. They aren’t double belting Perry. The match will be alright, even good. I just don’t think it has a great deal of resonance.

At any rate, I clearly must have enjoyed this Dyna more than the past couple of weeks; I wrote more about the show than I have in ages. AEW continues to frustrate… it’s SO CLOSE to being great again, and they still have the best wrestlers in the world. I just want them to be utilized a little better, a little more logically, a little more consistently! I don’t think that’s a crazy thing to ask.