La Zona Muerta

Well, fortunately this week, I did NOT, in fact, see weapons in the hands of young children.

I was a fairly harsh critic of last week’s showdown between the Mox World Order and the AEW Frontline (and rightfully so; all that nonsense sucked on toast and hurt everyone involved, perception-wise) with all the dorks wielding pipes or whatever. WRESTLING. I had opined elsewhere that the MOXKAI CLUB stuff had gone from the most interesting thing in wrestling to a cheesy NWO nostalgia grab and I stand by that… but this week saw a very welcome course correction. Spooky Time Dynamite started with the (by now, traditional) Moxley music video promo where he rambles about people being complacent and suddenly a voice cried out: “CUT IT.” DARK ORANGE CASSIDY APPEARED, his denim now greyed with ANGER and PAIN. A red tinge would have made him BLOOD ORANGE CASSIDY, but presumably we want to save the red and black iteration of a character for Darby Allin (eh? eh?).

OC largely reiterated that doing the big, shouty rasslin’ promo wasn’t him; that he’s not a leader of men, but all the young dudes in the back were SCARED, and he has to stand up for the likes of them. He has to step up and avenge poor Sweet Chucky T who, according to Orange, had his neck CRUSHED last week. He wants the gold, SUCKA and he’s coming for Moxley to take it. Jon Moxley doesn’t need AEW, but Orange does and so do those cats in the back. Orange will defend AEW at all costs because he loves it.

Look, I HATE the “Orange Cassidy is the leader of AEW” stuff, but this was a terrific promo by a talented performer who AEW has relied upon again and again. There was also a key, crucial component of the promo that has been lacking throughout this whole thing…

Orange Cassidy put over AEW.

I know that might sound silly, even elementary, but babyfacing the promotion has been a long time in coming. The bad guys have been telling us for a LONG TIME, now, stretching back to the Elite killing TOny Khan, that AEW sucks. Orange Cassidy is out there saying that AEW is vital to the future of young talent who would have nowhere else to go and that’s some good, subtle messaging that AEW SORELY needs right now. Even if I don’t love the direction, this was good stuff. Of late, AEW is remembering how to do stuff they used to do like present themselves as the babyface company and promote cards in advance, so it’s nice that the ship appears to be righting itself.

Then, a very jaundiced Adam Cole took to the ring against a very red Buddy Matthews. COLOR CLASH. Why is everyone so yellow lately in AEW? It ain’t just spray tan; a lot of people appear like they have some sort of liver disease. Meanwhile, Matthews was the color of my blood pressure. The match itself was mostly good; a lot of finisher kick out spam which people don’t like, and add to that the antipathy a lot of people in my circles seem to have for Cole, and I’m sure some people hated this. It was better than anything on the show last week, in my opinion, but it was marred mostly by FAKE DOCTOR SHENANIGANS, one of my biggest wrestling pet peeves. Cole now is going to use his weakened, cadaver bone infused foot for STORYTELLING, a weak point opponents can hone in on. It’s gonna be the same thing when Kenny Omega returns to the ring; his TUM TUM will be his weak spot from now on, much as it was for Brock Lesnar when he returned from surgery for diverticulitis. BRYAN DANIELSON LEFT HIS MARK ON THE COMPANY AFTER ALL. They relied on the doctor stuff too much, including Adam Cole LEAVING because his foot hurt too bad, but a well placed b-word from Buddy brought back the “real” Adam Cole, bay bay. Many finishers later, the match was won. Aleister Malakai Black teleported into the ring to set up a rematch of his battle with Cole from NXT Takeover: Philadelphia seven or eight years ago, which contained one of the STUPIDEST DAMN THINGS I’VE EVER SEEN IN WRESTLING: Cole took a powerbomb onto the raised edges of two chairs right onto his goldurn spine. Think of that dumb bump Swerve Strickland took on the cinderblock a month ago and multiply it several times. A dumb, career shortening bump that DIDN’T MATTER. Anyway. The other problem in the match was the crowd cheering a bit for Buddy, which is probably not the reaction they were looking for in the back. Eventually, Cole made it to the doctor’s room and cut a pretty good “I’ll defend AEW from you, MJF” type promo. I have to think the Undisputed Geekdom turn on Cole, but we’ll see.

Christopher Daniels, someone who I LOVED until roughly 2022 or so, gave Private Party the world’s worst pep talk in the back. SCU couldn’t get the job done against the Bucks, split up and FRANKIE KAZARIAN DOESN’T EVEN WORK HERE ANYMORE. His authority figure role / character is DEATH, just terrible.

Next, Kyle Fletcher continued his inexorable march towards greatness, calling out the COWARD Will Ospreay, who NO SHOWED.

The greatest haircut ever caught on tape

Sure, Ospreay no showed but MARK DAVIS, the other half of Aussie Open returned… a man who has been out for a YEAR. He and Bandido must have went to the same shitty wrist doctor, he’s been out so long. He wanted to know why Fletcher turned his back on Ospreay, but Fletcher pointed out that Davis better choose a side, and soon. Gotch bless Davis’ heart but man… he’s gonna be left in the dust if they don’t reunite that team. Fletcher is growing by leaps and bounds every week and Davis simply isn’t going to be able to catch up.

There was a quick, surly Hangman Page interview in the back. Part of me thinks they need to go back to showing people giving Page a wide berth backstage but I guess that might detract from the Mox stuff. I kinda want him to menace Renee Paquette but that’s the wrong kind of energy and would babyface Moxley.

Speaking of whom, Moxley and the whole sick crew (mostly PAC who looked like a lunatic) arrived to wreak havoc. Moxley pointed out that he wanted to fight Cassidy, who he actually holds in some sort of esteem and he removed distractions for him like Chuck Taylor who were detracting from his wrestling. Geez! Moxley is now Professor Zoom. Mox said then he wanted a new victim. We at casa de Convoy were hoping for Excalibur at this point. Instead, they then turned on Wheeler YUTA and threatened to Pillmanize his neck to draw Orange out. I don’t recall if commentary pointed out that YUTA was Cassidy’s student at the CHIKARA WrestleFactory or not, but he was, so the message was clear. When OC saved the day, Marina Shafir grabbed YUTA and slapped him around to keep him complacent; I guess the idea being that MOXKAI CLUB did NOT turn on YUTA but just used him as bait or YUTA is/was brainwashed enough to sacrifice himself for the “greater good.” The AEW Geekline came out and Moxkai Club tore them up. When Claudio Castagnoli was about to kill Orange Cassidy on the outside, DARBY ALLIN RAPPELLED DOWN FROM THE RAFTERS. I TOLD YOU ALL. Took them a second to extricate Darby from his harness, though. The cool part of this was, as Mox and co. finally bailed, the Young Bucks’ music hit, since Private Party is part of the AEW Frontline, and it rolled right into the title vs. tag team togetherness match. This match was MUCH better than the match on the pay per view and the Bucks are working HARD to beat the “washed” allegations. Marc Quen got piledriven on the outside by Bucks associate Kazuchika Okada and poor Brother Zay was left to be battered by the Bucks. I was SO SURE they were gonna split the team at this point as Zay probably has what it takes to do the singles thing, and they can give Quen Stokely Hathaway to get him over the (lack of) charisma hump. Matthew Buck started using Kenny Omega offense (FORESHADOWING, BABY) but somehow Quen made it back to the ring to save Zay. The crowd was RABID at this point for the turn or the title change. Nick got crotched on the top and Zay and Quen hit their tag team finish, Gin and Juice (a combo cutter thing) for the win. This was a lot of fun and while I don’t know that Private Party genuinely have what it takes to anchor the tag team division, this was great. I hope the Bucks enjoy their time off until January.

Chris Jericho promised to take ROH to new heights. Whatever.

Kamille and Kris Statlander had an, all things considered, fairly boring match. Mercedes Moné yelled at Kamille and threatened Stat. Whatever.

The Bucks were in the back, SHREDDING DOCUMENTS AND CRAMMING SHOES INTO SUITCASES. What incriminating evidence were they destroying? Correspondence with Jimmy Jacobs? With Cody? The long missing unless you watch ROH, I guess (?) Brandon Cutler made an appearance. It was not the last one he would make tonight.

At some point, there was an excellent video package with MVP and Prince Nana, hyping up the main event. Nana is SO GREAT. I genuinely believe that he could have been dropped into ANY time in wrestling and he would have found a way to get over. An underrated performer and I’m glad he FINALLY gets to ply his craft in a major league promotion. He pointed out that Swerve made the best decision of all, not choosing to go with MVP (or “P” as the cool kids apparently call him) but rather betting on himself. Good stuff.

The Bucks fled the arena. Ineffectual authority figure Daniels tried to stop them but Matt Jackson turned babyface by advocating for working from home. They got in a huge vehicle (NOT Jack Perry’s short bus) and left, accidentally leaving behind Cutler and a box full of shoes. Suddenly, Moxkai Club appeared, and left Cutler in a heap. Mox slithered up to Daniels AND APPLIED A CHIN LOCK, FORCING DANIELS TO WATCH as they broke Cutler’s hand with a fucking hammer. This was SO well done and ten thousand times more effective that Marina Shafir menacingly getting out of a truck in front of twenty dorks with improvised weapons straight out of Anchorman. WHY NO TRIDENT.

Then we were left with the main event… and I’m sorry… I don’t think it was very good. A visibly gassed (and on the gas) Shelton Benjamin took like 75% (or more) of a lackluster match with pretty literal face of the company Swerve Strickland. The finishing stretch was okay; but it was hard to shake the feeling that Swerve barely eked out the victory here against the GOLD STANDARD, STRAIGHT FROM THE FED, HEY DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER SHELTON BENJAMIN HE’S A REAL STAR?!

Okay… I have to say, well, something, I suppose. Two pals of mine (they know who they are) do a great podcast on all matters AEW but they seemingly have a bit of a blind spot in regards to one Will Ospreay. They say they don’t but they are very… I don’t know if “defensive” is the right word, but they definitely are at least leery of Ospreay’s push derailing long time AEW characters, especially Hangman Page. That’s fine, Hangman is their guy and Ospreay isn’t… and there was a very real, very valid concern at first that pushing Ospreay too hard was going to upset the apple cart…

…but that never came to pass. Ospreay could probably stand to be pushed HARDER, if anything, but Ospreay did NOT derail Hangman or Swerve or anyone else. The actually damaging promotional push seemingly ended up going to Bryan Danielson, a fact which they and I would agree upon, I’d imagine. Ospreay is not an external threat to AEW; he is a PART of AEW and at this point, an integral one. I have told them this (I’m not saying anything out of school here or throwing anyone under the bus); I think they need to accept that Ospreay is here, he’s not an outsider, he’s an important part of AEW and he hasn’t hurt anyone’s standing.

Yet, despite and nonetheless, here I am railing against outsider fifty year old Shelton Benjamin and his big friend, who will we get to in a minute.

Ospreay is one thing. The literal hottest free agent in wrestling, someone who is widely regarded as the best wrestler in the world; Tony Khan had to make a play to bring him in and I think it’s been successful. It’s certainly been a bigger deal than the other two very high profile free agency signings have been, at least in ring if nothing else. I don’t mind when Ospreay beats someone else and he very unselfishly laid down against Swerve to make a POINT to other people in the locker room. A loss didn’t hurt the dude (and in that case, helped MAKE Swerve); he’ll cheerfully lose if necessary. Ospreay is a team player.

Here, on the other hand, we have Shelton Benjamin, yoked up out of his brain, huge as life, blown up and snarling. His best years were TWENTY YEARS AGO. He’s had a couple of matches, neither of which were that much in my opinion (one pundit I really respect saying one of the matches was SO GOOD that he didn’t care if Bobby Lashley came in or not, which is INSANE to me). Now I find myself in the position of my friends; now I’M the one railing about an outsider coming in and upsetting the apple cart, derailing young guys and established AEW characters. I realize that Shelton is NOT going to be a centerpiece the way Ospreay is, but wither BIG BOB LASHLEY? Is he just going to kill everyone and eventually Swerve barely ekes out a victory, as was the case last night with him and Shelton? I don’t really have a lot of interest in that, but that’s likely what we’re gonna get.

And yet… the reality is WWE left money on the table with Lashley and Benjamin and “P,” both in the Vince McMahon incarnation as well as the clearly colorblind Paul Levesque version. The big idea was, instead of letting Lashley just kick ass, they had to split up and feud and… snoooooorrrrrre. This wasn’t what fans wanted to see and the principals were all quietly let go. When I still watched WWE, I was always perplexed why they wouldn’t just let Lashley go out and kill people. He was always FAR more over than his push. I suspect, with MVP making suggestions, The Hurt Business (or whatever they will end up being called) likely will end up being a bigger deal for AEW, but I’m worried about how many AEW “originals,” for lack of a better term, will have to lay down to build that brand. Maybe someone will have to call ME out in their snarky blog to set me straight and point out that MVP, Shelton and Lashley AREN’T outsiders but rather are a part of AEW now, but I’m not super excited, here. I don’t suppose this is a good time for me to go on my Ricochet rant, wither, but we can save that for a rainy day.

I suppose I didn’t really talk about the post match stuff, which at least was kind of amusing; Swerve smashed Shelton’s face with the top rope stomp and got the dub. MVP immediately got on his phone. As I quipped about him having Lashley on speed dial, suddenly the lights went out and Bobby “Blaster” Lashley, absolutely BURSTING, maybe even BLASTING out of his suit, appeared. I guess MVP had him hiding in the back, just in case Shelton blew it? Dude was GIGANTIC. After everyone pretended to be surprised, MVP and his crew laid boots to Swerve and Prince Nana. I have to assume Swerve will lose the first match and many AEW cats will lay down their lives in order to build up Lashley (and to a lesser extent, Shelton) but… I dunno. I’m not looking forward to it but I want to root for Lashley doing well and proving WWE wrong, so I’m conflicted.

Despite me not loving a couple of the directions, this episode of Scary Spooky Funtime Dynamite was at least six and a half times better than last week (scientifically quantified and certified, obviously). AEW, coincidentally or not seems to have figured out that promotion is key and a through line between all the shows is key. Slow and steady wins the wrestling war.