La Zona Muerta

As Forbidden Door finally comes into sharper focus, the eternal battle rages… is there too much New Japan content on the show with people the Western audience won’t know? Not enough New Japan? Where are their biggest stars? Why are there no New Japan tag team in the FD tag team tournament? Wither STARDOM? Why isn’t this or that?

Uggghh.

If you are plugged in enough to ask these questions… you have to know that NEW JAPAN LARGELY STINKS RIGHT NOW. You also have to know that New Japan is nearing the end of one of the most disappointing, puzzling and alienating G1 Climax tournaments in the last 15 or more years. STARDOM is in the throes of one of it’s yearly tournaments as well, the end of which I believe takes place on either the same day or the day before FD. The New Japan involvement in FD is finally starting to be revealed and people are already asking “where are the stars?”

Here’s the issue. The main, crippling issue.

NEW JAPAN HASN’T MADE ANY NEW STARS SINCE 2012.

They tried with Tetsuya Naito, shoving him down everyone’s throat. He had to leave and come back to MAKE HIMSELF a star. He became the most popular wrestler in Japan DESPITE NJPW, not because of it. Kota Ibushi? He was ALREADY a star, a big enough one for NJ to court him for YEARS before they finally brought him in. When they did, injury and then, I dunno, a combination of shitty management and BRAIN WORMS brought THAT relationship to a grisly end. Who else? Various gaijin like Kenny Omega or Zack Sabre Jr.? Stars elsewhere who had already honed their craft before coming to the big leagues of the cerulean blue mat. SHOTA UMINO? That fucking FLOP? Don’t make me laugh. Turns out that “hijo del Jon Moxley” wasn’t enough to sustain a wrestling persona. Yota Tsuji? Maybe, but Western reaction to him seems slight (to the point that I feel he’s almost underrated). Ryohei Oiwa? NOAH treated him like a bigger deal than New Japan does. Konosuke Takeshita? Another cat who was a star PRIOR to NJPW showing interest. Ren Narita? Relegated to CAREER DEATH in the worst villain stable in NJ history (yes, worse than MAKAI CLUB). Yuya Uemura? Destined for midcardery. Etc., etc. The point being that the people caterwauling about AEW not booking New Japan’s stars DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT. And even if they HAD booked, I dunno, the Reiwa Three Musketeers (chuckle), Umino, Oiwa, every man in House of Torture (god knows that’s probably what Gedo pitched) and the whole sick crew to come rampage through AEW in a fucking INVASION angle or summat… people would STILL complain because… who ARE any of these guys?

Damned if you do, railed with a dry corncob if you don’t.

The reality is that the Forbidden Door concept needs a rest. I feel like you can see New Japan guys on AEW more often that not, anyway. Like, if you told me Tomohiro Ishii had a double contract already, I’d just nod. He works in AEW about as much as he does in Japan. Yes, there WAS a time where there was tension between the two companies… but that time was LONG AGO. I see people say “well. CMLL then,” and sure, I guess, but it’s still PROMOTED as an AEW x NJPW show… and again, CMLL dudes are on pretty much every other week. WHOA, COULD MISTICO APPEAR? Let the concept rest for a couple of years.

So, as I say, FD is coming more into focus. We’ll get to it but I definitely have some qualms… a couple of things really made sense last night, and were examples of excellent storytelling… a couple of things… *shrug* I dunno. Extra funny as Tony Khan was doing media rounds this week talking about how AEW has excellent storytelling… and he’s right, for the most part it DOES… but as always, despite what online troglodytes say, the problem in AEW has NEVER been NO STORIES, it’s been TOO MANY stories, some dragging on for far TOO LONG. Yes, the Death Riders storyline, to use a recent example, ended in an excellent fashion. But the first four or five months of it STANK ON TOAST. It drug on and on and ON with no end in sight. Wither Private Party? What was the end result for the AEW FRONTLINE?

Of course, as I say all that, Moxley again put on a CLINIC last night in putting over young Kevin Knight, even in defeating him. The message there couldn’t be clearer if it were made of perspex. The wise Mrs. Convoy remarked “This is what Edge thinks he’s doing when he has matches with young guys,” and she’s right, of course. Edge surely thinks that wrestling “the kids” is giving them “the rub” as he eats them alive. Mox KILLED Kevin Knight but did it in such a way where Knight wasn’t A GEEK for the loss. I was as mad as anyone at Moxley giving his opponents NOTHING in those first five plus months of his title reign but now he seems MOTIVATED to show ass and put the youngs over.

I was less enamoured of the post match; Darby Allin came out to confront Moxley, dragging a bodybag behind him. “Who’s the bodybag meant to intimidate?” quipped Mrs. Convoy. “Wheeler YUTA,” I replied immediately, and sure enough, guess who was eventually entrapped? YUTA’s wrestling dad, Claudio Castagnoli, emerged to free his young ward and then proceeded to lay waste to Darby for a REALLY long time… long enough for me to note that Darby apparently had no friends in the back. One thing I can’t complain about… Claudio performed the UFO (a hands free airplane spin) on the bodybagged Allin, which made me yell out loud. Darby is a lunatic and Claudio is MIGHTY. At any rate… eventually… WILL OSPREAY appeared to make the save. That makes sense… mostly… as the Death Riders “put him out” (oh, how I wish they hadn’t done that stupid, overdramatic promo that everyone took as being real about his neck) but I don’t think Ospreay has much to do with Darby… ever… other than “fellow AEW babyface.” That’s fine, I can overlook that. Ospreay said he would get some dorks to challenge Mox and his dorks in BLOOD AND GUTS a lights out cage match in London, BRUV. You guys know I’m not really a fantasy booker but I immediately thought “okay, maybe Mark Davis is healed up and he can get some United Empire guys to come in. Makes sense!”

It would make considerably less sense as the night wore on. In fact, while we’re talking about it, we just may as well get to it. Ospreay backstage said he called up “his old boss” (Gedo?) for one last hurrah… and that means HIROSHI TANAHASHI, he of the bowed legs and decreased movement ability, will be in a multiman match at FD. That’s fine… hides his deficiencies… but Jesus God, please don’t let him do a High Fly Flow off of the top of the cage. Okay so far. In response to this, Moxley muttered “they got Hiroshi Tanahashi?” and he rubbed his face in distress before seeking out the Young Bucks (hilariously forced to dress in the room where the extras are). Again, that’s fine. But then suddenly the “TONY KHAN HAS ANNOUNCED” graphic flashed on the screen. Apparently Moxley was VERY convincing because this was really only a couple of minutes later… It’s him, Claudio and… sigh… Gabe Kidd… plus the Bucks against Darby, Ospreay, Tana… and THE GOLDEN LOVERS.

What the wha?

I hate being that guy… the “where’s the story?” guy but what the hell are Kenny Omega and Kota Ibushi doing in this match? With zero build, with no real storyline reason? “But Kenny hates the Bucks and Gabe Kidd!” you might say. Sure… but there was NO TIME between Moxley going to their dressing room and the announcement. I guess Ospreay watches Dynamite REALLY carefully and fucking SPEED DIALLED Kenny. “Oy bruv, can you and your ‘usband ‘elp me out of a jam?” The missus pointed out this is like the second or third time where Ospreay just called his shot and made a match without checking with any of his compatriots. Whatever, it will be a good match… just seemed weird to suddenly drop in Kenny and Kota.

One thing that makes me chuckle, when I see Tana and Ibushi together, I think of the pandemic era special NJPW did where Ibushi admitted to staring at Tana while he slept. Tana taught Ibushi about how to pose sexily and Ibushi’s l’il mind was blown by Toru Yano owning everyone in arm wrestling. It’s worth a watch if it’s still on New Japan World.

Actually, that’s a good segue; there were more NJ shenanigans on the show. Kyle Fletcher (how I love him) asked for the best “pound for pound” wrestler from New Japan, which had a lot of sickos assuming he was summoning Tanahashi (?)… but the clue was in saying “pound for pound.” Hiromu Takahashi appeared to answer the challenge (and the crowd in Cincinnati only seemed halfway familiar with the man).

A proud papa. What’s funny is the cat gimmick seemingly got over more HERE than THERE. I assume this was because NJPW and the rotten Harold Meji wanted to move more New Japan branded product, even after Hiromu and MAYBE even New Japan helped market the Mochineko officially, so presumably that’s why Hiromu was shorn of his extended cat family

I dunno if that’s who I would have wanted to see Fletcher battle (I would have preferred Shingo Takagi to name a name)… it will be a good match, certainly… but I guess beggars can’t be choosers.

One of the examples of EXCELLENT AEW storytelling was at the start of the show. Maxwell Jacob Friedman came out to do his tired shtick (“poors,” “bud,” “Seabiscuit”) but Hangman Adam Page came out, immediately swatted the mic out of MJF’s hand, told him that his “edgelord incel crap” was tired and that “Seabiscuit WINS, dumbass!” IT WAS GLORIOUS. HANGMAN ADAM PAGE IS THE GREATEST WRESTLER TO HAVE EVER DRAWN BREATH. The short version was that MJF came out to goad Hanger into giving him a match but instead, Hangman turned the tables IMMEDIATELY and goaded MJF into finally executing his dumb cash in contract for FD. Despite my antipathy for MJF’s beyond tired act, BUD, this was a terrific bit of business. Hanger and MJF really bounce off of each other well and I can only hope this leads to MJF kind of hitting the skids, for lack of a better term and then rebuilding his character into an evolved version of himself. He needs to remain a heel… the babyface run was DISASTROUS, but he needs to move on from the same old, same old. Some friends and I were trying to pinpoint where it went wrong for MJF and my thought was it was the promo he cut about William Regal turning him down at the WWE Performance Center and how it drove him to become better than you and you know it. You can’t be one of, if not THE main heel in the company and do the tear filled promo about how WWE shit on you. THAT MAKES YOU A BABYFACE IN AEW. Same thing with the “they threw quarters at me” stuff. That makes you a HERO for overcoming BULLIES, that’s not a villain origin story! At least not without a lot of tweaking and careful work!

Anyway.

There were other bits and bobs on the show, some worth commenting on (why isn’t Samoa Joe targeting the Death Riders for putting him out), some not (the battle with the spooky girls and the less spooky girls never seems to end. Just announce BLOOD AND GUTS already) but I suppose I have to talk about the largest turn off.

Edge had his dumb match with Stokely Hathaway (by the way, why can’t they say “Hathaway” any more? It reminds me of when TNA robbed Christopher Daniels of his first name). It went about like you would suspect. I wanted more CHEATING from Stoke… he should have been laden, head to toe with every nasty manager cheap trick… flash paper, brass knuckles, MONSEL PWDER, a chain in his boot… ALL of that. TO BE FAIR, he did finally produce powder and hit Edge with it. I can’t genuinely recall if he was DQed for this or not and I don’t care enough to check. FTR attacked and blah blah blah. Eventually, Christiaan came out to make the save with the dumb spiked bat thing that looks like “Janice” from TNA that Edge keeps trying to get over. Edge hugged Christian (that may be important or it may not… Edge hugged Christian but Christian didn’t really reciprocate) and the SICKOS REJOICED.

I don’t get it. This is not WWE, nor is it TNA where the fumes of WWE nostalgia still drive stories. Yes, yes, they have a pay per view in Canada. SO WHAT? AEW HAS OTHER SOURCES OF CANADIAN PRIDE TO DRAW UPON. Why do people (most of whom who likely weren’t alive for it or weren’t wrestling fans yet) want to see 2003 WWE nostalgia in AEW? I well and truly don’t’ get it. As a buddy told me, “at least it keeps Edge out of the main event scene.”

Overall, if I had to give a letter grade to this episode of Dynamite, I’d probably slip out the back door before I had to apply the rubber stamp. There was some good wrestling on the show, but nothing to write home (or a column) about. I’m enjoying the Bucks nonsense a LOT (and hey, they did what I said they should do last week and superkicked Justin Roberts into OBLIGATHRY (TM Shane Douglas) ). Swerve Strickland and Kazuchika Okada had a BIG zilch of a segment where they sorta unnecessarily promoed on each other. Unfortunately, it stunk and MAN, is that new Okada theme a vibe killer. I suspect Collision this week will probably restore the (wrestling) feeling for me if nothing else. Again, I do have to say the Max / Hangman stuff was GREAT and the big cage match at FD largely makes sense, even if a couple of the participants are a bit left field-y. I think I’ll buy the show after all; for a couple of weeks there, I was a bit on the fence. I guess the TV is doing it’s job.