La Zona Muerta

Feels like football season started early. Did the Zombie Princess come back and we just weren’t told? The last couple of weeks of Dynamite have felt a little… Fed-y? Fedular? Fedtastic?

I can’t call a show with a thirty minute FTR / Bandido / Brody King (I refuse to type the other thing) match BAD. But it certainly wasn’t good.

Gang, there were only THREE matches on this show. The missus commented that it felt like a show where wrestlers were missing due to weather issues… and yeah, maybe it did feel that way a bit. I get that one of the matches was thirty minutes long… the main was a couple of segments… but overall, the actual wrestling content felt lacking. I realize that Collision has kind of become the mostly in ring show, but that doesn’t mean Dynamite, AEW’s flagship show, needs to suddenly become the all angles and promos show to compensate.

Of course, the elephant in the from is the incredibly bad, incredibly Fed-y Maxwell Jacob Friedman angle where he and some goons (Ricochet and the Gates of Agony) kidnapped Mark Briscoe and threatened to burn him alive unless Hangman Adam Page retroactively let Max challenge for the heavyweight title on Sunday WITHOUT cashing in his *checks notes* already cashed in contract guaranteeing him a title shot.

I think I just had an aneurysm, typing that out.

Let’s examine that again… Max, in order to have this match on Sunday, “executed his contract.” But now, he has retroactively UNexecuted the contract, but is getting the match anyway. And now, he can AGAIN cash in the contract whenever he wants… so let’s say he and Page have a knock down, drag out fight on Sunday… Max cheats and gets disqualified… let’s say by low blowing Page… and then he just turns around and immediately cashes in (or any one of a million similar scenarios).

Does that sound like compelling TV to you?

Of course, there was much gnashing of teeth over this… in my opinion, a perfectly reasonable reaction. Look, I realize MJF is a heel and that we’re supposed to hate him… but this isn’t good TV. This is DETRACTING from the main event of your next pay per view. There was immediate backlash to the backlash over this… accusations of not wanting anyone getting over on Hangman Page… calls to let it play out, etc. I’m here to tell you… THIS isn’t THAT. Despite my appreciation of the man and the character, Hangman is most certainly NOT my “special little guy*.” As loathe as I am to fantasy book (as long time readers and those of you who know me beyond this blog space know), Hangman OUTSMARTING MJF was what was interesting last week. MJF is so boring, so one note, so STALE right now, that him being outsmarted by the babyface champion and thereby triggering a downward spiral… THAT IS WHAT WAS NEW AND NOVEL. MJF crashing out and having to rebuild would be good for him as a performer, as a character and for us as the audience… but instead we get Money in the BANL Bank redux. Really not a fan of this, not a fan of the dumb backstage skit that they used to get us here (even with four guys, do you think there is ANY way Briscoe would go out like this?) and this lessened my desire to see them have a match on Sunday.

AEW: Where the best do dopey backstage skits and have stupid stipulations rescinded and reused.

What else stunk last night? I really don’t want to get into the lameness of a tag team tournament final ending in a draw (even if the match itself was very, very good)… suffice to say that if you’re going to do time limit draws (and one might argue that AEW does TOO many of them… I’ve ranted about that before), you either need to do time checks in EVERY SINGLE MATCH or NEVER do time checks AT ALL because you immediately gazump the finish when the announcer suddenly tells you “five minutes remaining.” Partner company NEW JAPAN PRO WRESTLING does time calls in EVERY SINGLE MATCH. Listen… I hate when people get down on AEW on shit that doesn’t truly matter. Aesthetic stuff that isn’t truly an issue… the color of the ring ropes or the size of the AEW logo on the canvas? Who cares. But just making this ONE, LITTLE CHANGE to the presentation would make the frequent use of time limit draws SO MUCH MORE BELIEVABLE AND ACCEPTABLE.

As for the tag title match becoming a three way… EL OH EL. Although, on the surface it looks like it’s because the Hurt Business won’t do… well… business… I’m sure it’s a swerve and SHELTON will be laying down to whomever, probably to “prove” that they have no problem doing favors and so MVP can cut another promo about “the internet.” Meanwhile, you merely have to watch TV to see that the Hurt Men have been phased WAY down and the Speedy Jet Flip Boys or whatever they are called have phased WAY up. THAT DARN INTERNET IS AT IT AGAIN when all you have to do is LOOK AT THE TV TO SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING.

I personally didn’t like the opening match of the show, featuring said Flip Boys, the highly immobile Hiroshi Tanahashi and the Death Riders devolving into the main event of a 1997 episode of Nitro with everyone and the kitchen sink getting involved… The Bullet Club War Dogs (Not, in fact, my dogs for real), Samoa Joe and the Opps, Darby Allin and a partridge in a pear tree. It’s all a little much for my feeble, old brain. Your mileage, may, in fact, vary.

I know why Tana weeps. It’s not because of Gabe Kidd becoming the new ace of New Japan or whatever. It’s because his fucking knees are gone. My man was moving like the Great Khali

There was no mention of Kota Ibushi and Kenny Omega AT ALL. And Will Ospreay gave another “I’m hurt and shouldn’t be doing this but I’ll die for AEW” type promo which I don’t really get unless they are writing Will out for awhile after this. Maybe that’s exactly what they are doing? He did put over sausage rolls, and THAT was a fun thing you’re only gonna get from the likes of Ospreay, bless his chavvy heart.

To add to the FED CRED of this episode, Edge and Christian came out to do a LONG promo about getting back together. Lots of blithering about how they are one of the greatest tag teams of all time, etc. Back when they were a tag team, they weren’t even the greatest tag team on their roster! THEIR MAIN RIVALS WERE BOTH BETTER TAG TEAMS. Fortunately for us all, Christian took the driver’s seat here and laboriously explained that HE HAS NOT TURNED BABYFACE, pointing out that he’s only back with Edge to take care of the FTR / Nick Wayne situation. Seriously, no snarkiness from me, Christian’s heavy lifting on the promo here pretty much SINGLE HANDEDLY salvaged this mess. Nick Wayne is apparently hurt FOR REALZ (but something tells me that I wouldn’t be stunned to see him Sunday; I think someone smart probably realized that Nick shouldn’t be losing here) and broadcasted to us LIVE from the BUDDY WAYNE WRESTLING ACADEMY (I’d recognize those rafters anywhere) to tell us that his replacement was someone big and bad. LUCHASAURUS, bless his saurian heart, returned, after his very scary battle with COVID and looked like he had received a MID SEASON TOKUSATSU POWER UP, now looking like a cross between Luchasaurus and SUPER SHREDDER. Dude was JACKED and I’m really happy for him being able to return after that legitimately terrifying health scare. For some reason that I can’t really determine, he was still called Killswitch. Not sure if that’s on purpose, an oversight or what. Usually they are pretty good at buttoning up little details like that. Oh, ‘Saurus is also now an undead zombie dinosaur man POWERED BY INTRAVENOUS DRUGS and there’s speculation that a certain scapegoat was the Destro to Luchasaurus’ PCO, supplying the skag. Time will tell.

For all my grousing, the Scotland crowd seemed into everything but of course, they had already got some pre show stuff and they had HOURS of show to go; we’ll see if they maintain their energy.

The last couple of weeks of Dynamite have started to go in a direction I’m not comfortable with… I’m hoping it’s more due to the fact that Forbidden Door is traditionally tough to wrangle and they had to shove a lot of stuff in a small bag and not because Tony Khan is back to splitting his focus on football or whatever.

Also, good Gotch above… it’s been six years. My stereo is POWERFUL… with 7.1 channels of AUDIO MIGHT. Last night’s show sounded like it was recorded via a tin can and string. It sounded like Excalibur and Tony Schiavone were doing ADR at their home studios and piping in the commentary. IT HAS BEEN SIX YEARS. FIX THIS.

*My special, little guy is 6’3, Japanese, just won the most prestigious tournament in wrestling and has smouldering good loo… oops, sorry