La Zona Muerta

Oh dear Gotch above, why am I doing this to myself.

A birdie told me this was going to be the “Eric Bischoff redemption train” episode (all aboard), and yes, it absolutely was. Bischoff was betrayed by the meanies at Turner, it was those gosh darn Standards and Practices, Turner didn’t want WCW, etc., etc., ad nauseum, ad infinitum. WWF outNitroed Nitro and it was all over.

I have no doubt that there’s truth to those things. The DEGREES of truth my be up for debate, of course… but Bischoff absolutely had a singular vision that coalesced into Monday Night Nitro. His vision was fresh… until it grew stale. He blamed the downfall of Nitro on the launch of Thunder… which again, I suppose has a ring of truth… but launching SmackDown ultimately didn’t hurt WWF even if it took awhile to utilize effectively. He even took a little bit of blame, just enough to make you think “wow, maybe he has changed!” I can just imagine what the fans who are too young might make of him now.

The villains of this episode were Kevin Nash (no shock) and, perhaps a bit surprisingly, Bill Goldberg.

Goldberg, man. If you didn’t live through it, it’s sort of difficult to truly relay the immediacy and primal appeal of Goldberg. Diamond Dallas Page says something dumb in this episode like “no one ever got a push like that before, bro,” and obviously that isn’t true… there have been a million undefeated streaks, and Goldberg’s push closely resembles that of the Ultimate Warrior (in more ways than one). Goldberg’s WAS special, though, it’s undeniable.

To continue talking about the link that WCW forged between my father and I… when Dad moved out on his own, he specifically didn’t have a phone… he would just show up at places when he wanted. This was an odd way to live, but my Dad was an odd kind of cat. So, one Monday night, a coworker of his showed up at MY home, looking for Dad and could see through our living room window that I was watching Nitro on our enormous (for the time) 32 inch TV. “Ah man, you seen that Goldberg?” the guy enthused to me once we had exchanged pleasantries and he weaseled Dad’s contact info out of me. I swear this next part of the exchange is real; you’ve heard this reasoning a million times when it comes to wrestling. “Some of that stuff looks pretty fake, but Goldberg, man… that guy’s for real.”

This was a reasonably intelligent, I believe college-educated man, telling this to seventeen year old me. The rest of it is fake… but that guy’s real. Anytime you hear someone say Goldberg wasn’t a thing or that he was just a Stone Cold Steve Austin ripoff, remember that.

He also sucked in ring, and that’s coming from a fan. Okay, “sucked” might be harsh… but let’s just say he was easily exposed. He couldn’t have a good match with Scott Hall. *I* could have had a passable match with Scott Hall, for Gotch’s sake! That’s not to say he never had a good match; the Halloween Havoc match with DDP is VERY good, and while the match itself is so-so, his triumph at the Georgia Dome over Hulk Hogan is legendary. It gives me goosebumps to think about it.

He was also a stiff, unapologetic clod, and this episode, they spell that out quite clearly. GOLDBERG HIMSELF cops to being a stiff jerkoff in ring but says it’s fine because it wasn’t with malicious intent. He then says that he can’t keep being sorry for Bret Hart, who’s career he legitimately ended because “I apologized but what else can I do?!” I’m not certain you did ANYTHING, Bill. Goldberg does himself no favors in this episode and comes off as unapologetic and ungrateful to the people who helped make him.

Then, we come to Kevin Nash and his millionth weak defense of the Fingerpoke of Doom. “You know why people hate that so much?” he sneers at the screen. “We got ’em.” Bischoff also talks out of both sides of his mouth, talking about how thinking the Fingerpoke was the beginning of the end for WCW is “dirtsheet stuff,” but later cops to it being “a mistake.” Oops, all Crunchberries! was a “mistake.” THE FINGERPOKE OF DOOM WAS DISASTROUS.

MAKE NO MISTAKE, it WAS the beginning of the end for WCW. Bischoff and Nash can crow about dirtsheets and smart fans and whatever they like… but it hurt WCW both in interest and perception-wise. Anecdotally, in my little cabal of people who would still watch with me by 1999, by which time I had moved out of my home and had a small apartment at nineteen, the interest in WCW dropped precipitously. *I* almost stopped watching, I was so rattled. The best thing was, that night, my buddy proudly showed me the NWO Wolfpac patch he had sewn onto his leather jacket. WHOOPS.

Nash is COMPLETELY insufferable in this episode. Just cause he voted the right way a few years back doesn’t mean he’s a good guy or an ally. I can’t believe the cult of personality he has built around himself. “Look at the match [where he beats Goldberg],” he smirks into the camera. “I was fucking OVER.”

Mighty Gotch help us all. Evan Husney and Jason Eisener have done the rehab on Easy E. Mission accomplished, gents.

*ptui*

Next week will be no better, BRO, as a certain man takes center stage (not THAT Center Stage, faithful WCW-ites) and complains about Standards and Practices and makes up ratings and what have I done with my fucking life.