La Zona Muerta

I was geared up earlier; I had half of this column already written in my head. I was prepared to write a fiery defense of AEW in light of WWE poaching signing Stephanie Vacquer and the LEGENTIL ENGINES going into overdrive this afternoon, trying desperately to distract from what was looking to be a fun and important Dynamite, furthering the two biggest feuds in AEW right now, Swerve Strickland / Hangman Adam Page and Will Ospreay / MJF on the road to All In at Wembley.

Instead, we got THAT episode of Dynamite, and the goodwill they had built up with me evaporated like the sweat on my brow in my currently eighty five degree hotbox of an apartment.

It’s a shame that my columns here tend to get more traction when they tend towards the negative. I did not want to be negative about AEW tonight! I don’t want to be negative about AEW ANY night; I want to enjoy it as it’s the thing that dominates my wrestling viewing hours! I’m not setting out to be ornery and cranky; they drive me there.

Of course, people will probably remember this show more fondly because of Mariah May’s heel turn at the end, which was certainly well executed, and maybe that will even counter some of the negative reaction up until then, but it must be documented that this episode, up until that final angle was largely a bust. Sure, Hangman Page and Bryan Danielson had a helluva match (save a couple of VERY irritating things which I’ll get into), but Danielson sort of just… won and Swerve came out to confront him to a pretty lukewarm reaction. No one cares that Danielson is trying for a gold watch championship win. Swerve even seemed bored in his promo talking about it! Jesus, if they don’t care, why the hell should we? I went so far as to say (and will reiterate here) that, if Swerve / Hangman isn’t somehow the actual plan for All In… you know, the match they have been actually building to for months and months… I simply won’t be buying the show.

The match between Hanger and Danielson started out great… Hangman Page disdainfully spitting at Jeff Jarrett’s shoes (Jarrett who was suddenly “special enforcer” for the Owen Cup finale, which should have been a clue as to the bullshit to come), working Danielson’s neck, even going so far as to remove the supportive tape apparently holding his head in place.

Unfortunately, as is now the deal in EVERY SINGLE BRYAN DANIELSON MATCH, they had to bring it screaming to a halt with a run in from the contemptible and vile Doc Sampson, who ENDLESSLY had to examine Danielson. I HATE FAKE DOCTOR RUN INS and they are now an integral part of EVERY Danielson match. Danielson, at one point, dropped Hangman RIGHT ON HIS GODDAMNED HEAD with a DISGUSTING spider German suplex that looked repulsive. Lovely stuff. The bullshit kicked into overdrive for the finish; Danielson accidentally killed the ref and, lo and behold, the new ref was JEFF JARRETT. Shenanigans followed and somehow, Danielson, who has SWEET FUCK ALL TO DO WITH SWERVE won the match with A FLASH PIN LOL. AEW, GIVING THE FANS WHAT THEY WANT.

I love Danielson. The first time I saw him was that weird match in ROH he had with Roddy Strong twenty years ago where they sort of pretended it was a shoot or something and Danielson perhaps was uncooperative, leading to a win. I don’t recall if the weird work / shoot stuff went anywhere, which, frankly, is probably for the best, but I knew then the guy was special, and, the more I delved into his work, the more I loved the guy.

Having said that, I could not care less if he “retires” as AEW champion, especially at the expense of Swerve or Hangman. Just no stakes and feels unimportant. Uncharitable? Maybe, but I can’t help how it felt. Cold, no heat on the horizon.

They DID continue to build Ospreay and MJF, including a pretty danged effective Ospreay promo (I did NOT have Ospreay outpromoing MJF on this year’s bingo card) but SWERVE, (not that Swerve) it’s on *checks notes* NEXT WEEK?

Huh.

I dunno, man. I don’t want to say Goldberg / Hollywood Hogan energy, especially since everyone and their mom uses WCW as a reference point when shit sucks, but…

Swerve did confirm that he was the captain for Team AEW in Blood and Guts two weeks from now, so that’s something, I guess. The booking there is sound, in a sense, but I’m still annoyed that the Elite just announced B&G without truly challenging anyone. Dumb and zero stakes.

Again. A theme?

At some point in the evening, Chris Jericho killed Samoa Joe with a forklift.

“This is the song, written for the train chase
This is the chase, Rocky and Kennnnnnnnnn”

You can tell when I’m not having a good time watching a show; that’s generally when I start drawing during it. You can tell I am especially not enjoying it when I start drawing something only tangentially related to the proceedings. Look, you should know by now, PAL, when you push a Wolf Raider against the wall, he PUSHES BACK. I’m not even going to mention Jericho’s new power to manifest venue specific foreign objects or his uncanny ability to reuse WWF shit from twenty three years ago. I also won’t talk about how they seem to be building to a match between Jericho and Taz, a match that literally can’t and won’t ever happen, especially with Taz’ two bad knees and two bad shoulders but every wrestling storytelling sense I possess keeps telling me they are going in that direction.

To be fair, on a show that, by this point I was clearly not enjoying, there was an EXCELLENT backstage confrontation with Hangman, Renee, (Hangman’s TRUE nemesis; think about it and how passive aggressively confrontational she has always been with him due to his rivalry with Moxley), Okada and the Elite where Hangman threw in with the baddies to counter Swerve entering Blood and Guts. Very well done.

There was also a heatless, but really great by the end, four way match with a dumb, TNA style name (Global Impact? Global Globule? Global Gloryhole?). You could all but hear the channel changers clicking away as the heat died in the Saddledome, further killing an already pretty listless and wan crowd. The participants in question, Kyle Fletcher, Tomohiro Ishii, Claudio Castagnoli and PAC didn’t even receive entrances! No point in describing the match blow by blow; they clearly had their time cut so others could do IMPORTANT NON WRESTLING THINGS, but suffice to say that Ishii is still the man and I hope he’s sticking around for a couple of months since he’s not in the Grade One Climax. I love the victorious PAC, as well, but he cut the most aimless “Hey, it’s All In season and I’M A BASTARD OR WHATEVER” promo which means… I dunno what it means. Probably a dumb ladder match where everyone dies (TM Lance Archer) or something else equally pointless. LONDON CALLING, YES I WAS THERE, TOO.

I think they played an Acclaimed “music video” where Billy Gunn, Monsato’s favorite son and Max Caster pissed on somebody. I dunno. I guess it was about the Young Bucks? Boy, THERE’S a match for London. If you want some good bars being spat, seek out the newly signed Mansoor’s anti Max Caster “rap” from today. He blithely sat down and ate some cereal while ANNIHILATING Caster into that good night WITH LYRICS AND RHYMES.

Obviously the power of Mercedes Moné’s botchy Gory Bomb Driver-thingie is SO GREAT that it sent Stephanie Vaquer to the Fed… but they spared us the brutally long Moné victory lap promo when MY GAL, THE DOCTOR OF MEDICINE IN DENTISTRY saved the day by superkicking a bunch of nameless scrubs. Bless Britt Baker’s heart. The match won’t be great, but I hope it will have the proper outcome.

I am not the right person to write about Toni Storm and Mariah May’s breakup. The story isn’t for me, the characters DEFINITELY aren’t for me, and despite the praise of her work, I have yet to be impressed ONCE by May in ring (so much so that I think she has been outclassed by her opponents several times and have said so). That being said, the crowd loved the angle where May won and revealed her true colors, smashing Toni with the Owen Cup belt. The turn clearly fired people up, probably saving the show for many. I liked Luther bumping for May, that was pretty cool, I guess. Mrs Convoy said “That’s the best thing I’ve seen him do in a year and a half!” CINEMA. Or something. Again, if you loved it, I have no issue; it’s just not my bag. I know a fella who was extolling the virtues of the last seven months of booking, pointing out the subtle body language and furtive looks between the ladies, subtly laying out the seeds and, hey, if all of that really gave you that enjoyment, if that was your takeaway, if you think they really planned all that stuff out… mazeltov.

One thing before the end, here… boy, the announcing tonight. Nigel McGuinness was GREAT, absolutely on fire the whole show. Where else are you going to learn about Tony Schiavone’s limp dick or the evils of that clamdigger Bryan Danielson? What was bad was Excalibur… and it wasn’t his delivery or anything; it was what he was being fed to say. He simply couldn’t understand what Hangman Page meant when he told the Elite “I’ll do it.” His voice was grave with very “genuine” concern after the destruction of Samoa Joe via forklift. He especially shined, after May turned. “WAS THIS THE PLAN ALL ALONG?” he cried. Yes, yes it was. I know the audience can be dumb dumbs and the announcers sometimes have to hold your hand through the minefields of STORY, but c’mon.

Now, my rant against AEW.

The most crushingly consistent failure of AEW, beyond hiring Jimmy Jacobs or Mike Mansury (hey, no LED boards tonite! My eyes needed the respite, however brief), even beyond not fixing the GODDAMNED SOUND FOR FIVE YEARS RUNNING, is failing to take advantage of things when they peak. Some of those failures are external, out of AEW’s control. Maybe a Kenny Omega goes down with a hernia, bad knees and vertigo all at once, or maybe he gets SUPER DIVERTICULITIS. Maybe Adam Cole’s ankle randomly explodes into a thousand pieces, blinding onlookers with shrapnel composed of foot bones and pulsating tendons. You can’t blame AEW for that stuff… but you can one hundred percent blame them for not splitting MJF and Cole last year at Wembley. Complete whiff. Never got that Swerve / Keith Lee blow off (and they waited so long by the time it was gonna happen, the “bad guy” would have won). Never pulled the trigger on Darby when he was hottest. Killed off dudes like Wardlow when they were hot (maybe a bit of external circumstances there, but still). You can blame them with missing the boat on Hangman several times (although again, some of that was external, too, but has he ever, EVER felt as hot as he did the night he led the Dark Order against the Elite? The night he, y’know, LOST?). They missed the peak with Jade Cargill and got nothing out of her finally losing. They’ve probably missed the right time to either have the Bucks lose (or win) the tag titles half a dozen times, the time to pull the trigger on young acts like Daniel Garcia (he should have 100% beat Edge when they had their match and now Edge is rooting around in a bootleg organ bin in Mexico, looking for fresh MCLs and ACLs. They’ll never have another match). AEW is CONSTANTLY in repair or rehab mode from not pulling the trigger on the right people at the right time…

…and I’m very concerned they are missing the boat on the peak of Hangman / Swerve. “Oh, they can do that at All Out!” you might say. There’s one metric fuckton’s worth of difference between a main event at All In and a main event at All Out; let’s not pretend the two things are equivalent. Maybe they can pull up the plane out of the tailspin, but… my faith in AEW right now is used up like a snot filled Kleenex.

Went into AEW today with hopes and dreams. Came out bummed and annoyed. The feeling? Anything but restored.

He tried to kill me with a forklift… Olé!