La Zona Muerta

Unless I wake up tomorrow and it turns out David Zaslav sold off WBD to a conglomeration of Elon Musk, Donald Trump and Ari Emmanuel, it would be hard to say THE MOTHER OF ALL SIMULCASTS was anything but a success. The picture on MAX was GREAT; the feed looked like a million bucks. The sound was… okay. Still not as much separation and delineation from the announcers and the rest of the mix. The broadcast booth only had two people, which is a huge improvement in and of itself. The only real fly in the ointment is that MAX has ads, even if you pay for the “no ads” tier, but look… it’s not THAT big of a deal, is it? MAX mostly used its own ads, so except for a couple of exceptions where we presumably got the TBS feed, I didn’t have to hear about how BK WRAPS ARE A HUNGER HACK or how Wayfair has A STYLE FOR EVERY HOME. Hell, on the longer breaks, MAX would show their ads, and then when they were done, they would just show a WARMING, NOT HOTTING blue screen, serenely telling you to hold on with some sooooooooothing music. BLISS, at least compared to the execrable TBS app.

As for the content…? It was a good Dynamite, perhaps not a great one, but definitely a solid episode. Guess I should talk about that but first, over the last few days, a unique AEW superfan quirk appeared.

So beaten, so DOWNTRODDEN are a certain subset of AEW fans, that they are now mad when you say you prefer old AEW to current AEW, specifically targeting 2019 AEW as that’s the first thing that has been uploaded to MAX. In other words, it’s bad to prefer what 2019 AEW had on offer as opposed to 2025 AEW. Rose colored nostalgia glasses, bad faith, wasn’t that good really, etc. etc. ad nauseam.

Great Gotch above, what are we doing here? So bad is the AEW discourse that now AEW fans must decide between haves and have nots? If you like earlier AEW as opposed to modern AEW, ARE YOU THE ENEMY, BLINDED BY YOUR NOSTALGIA FOR FIVE YEARS AGO?

Stuff and nonsense.

As I type this, the missus and I are watching our fourth 2019 AEW “special event” today, All Out 2019. Kenny Omega vs. PAC is on and yeah, I feel like it’s okay saying that it’s better than a lot of things from 2024. DUH. It’s just such a weird bugbear; it feels like a misplaced purity test. “Sure you liked AEW IN THE PAST but what have you done for me LATELY?”

Sigh.

No incarnation of AEW has been perfect. We’re also pretending like five years is ten or more. FIVE YEARS IS NOT ALL THAT LONG AGO. There are things better about 2019 AEW (especially the emphasis on tag teams and no weird feeling that people are being wasted). There are things better about today (more star power, smoother production… for the most part). IT’S OKAY IF YOU PREFER OLDER AEW TO NOW. This space is quickly becoming a “reasons why I despise AEW fandom” blog, and I genuinely don’t want it to be that… but dagnabbit, the kids are NOT alright. STOP TELLING OTHER AEW FANS WHAT THEY NEED TO LIKE. WE ALL DON’T HAVE TO ENJOY THE SAME THINGS.

Anyhoo. Back to the Mother of All Whatnot.

The show started hot with Orange Cassidy and Hangman Adam Page. I’m reasonably sure that’s a match up that never happened before unless there was a REALLY weird Proving Ground match on a buried episode of Sinclair Broadcasting ROH or something. Actually, I tell a lie. The show ACTUALLY started with that 1982 classic “I’m So Excited” by the Pointer Sisters. I was three when that song came out and then two years later, it came out AGAIN, just when Pointer Sistermania had started to cool off. Those of you slightly younger might also remember the girl on Saved by the Bell FREAKING OUT, HOPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS, singing “I’M SO EXCITED” and spinning around in an upper induced frenzy until she collapsed, moaning “I’M SO SCARED.”

I don’t know if my meager words can truly express how ubiquitous this song was, really in ANY decade, but especially in the 80s. It’s been used in literally too many commercials and movie trailers and sports highlight packages and other assorted foofoorah to count.

I COULD HAPPILY NEVER HEAR THIS SONG AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I hope it was a one time only thing but I know “Saturday Night’s All Right for Fighting” is back this week so who knows. WITHER NEUTRON DANCE?

Anyway, OC and Hangman beat the shit out of each other. One of my favorite wrestling podcasts recently suggested that ol’ Hanger is checked out, doesn’t win matches, doesn’t care and just cashes his check every week. Meanwhile, I’m like “this dude is so compelling; I can’t wait to see what’s next.” It took five years but I’ve finally become a HANGMAN FAN GIRL. Well, within reason. He put the kibosh on OC with the Buckshot Lariat and then beat him some more after the finish. No longer EVP but still real life executive Christopher Daniels came out to admonish Hanger and Page STRUCK HIM IN THE FACE, screaming “stay outta my business!” Love it.

Then, the Hurt Business made another important business transaction and ANNIHILATED Max Caster when Anthony Bowens more or less left him high and dry. Well, more accurately, Caster kept tagging himself in while Bowens was trying to mount offense against the Business, and finally, Bowens had enough. I was BEGGING for a Sid jumping off the ring when tagging with Hulk Hogan on SNME style moment, but it wasn’t quite that dramatic… basically Bowens walked back and watched as Shelton Benjamin suplexed the weasel-like edge lord Caster again and again, leaving him open to the not so tender mercies of BIG BOBBY LASHLEY. Caster should have been sent home in a bodybag. My only concern is that they try to pretend Caster is the wronged party somehow and they try to portray him as some sort of embattled violence broker, heroically taking on the Business.

Mercedes Moné came out to remind us of her WWE AEW catchphrases. That’s it, no real point. QUIT TELLING ME SHE’S GOOD, NOW. THIS STUNK.

I guess there is a number one contender battle royale next week, so we suddenly had a three way to decide who will be number one in the gauntlet. All of these people will likely be the match anyway, but it’s hard to complain when the match has Jay White, Swerve Strickland and Roderick Strong. Actually, while the match itself was good, it really became more of a vehicle to further the burgeoning Swerve / Ricochet feud, I guess keeping Swerve busy out of the main event scene, for better or worse. Rico appeared in the crowd and attacked Swerve with a bedazzled pair of scissors. He also threatened Prince Nana with EYE INJURY. What is it with people wanting to shove things into Nana’s goddamned eyes?

Yes, I know I’ve used this one before but who would have known his eye would be menaced more than once?

An interesting thing happened post match (Jay won, incidentally, which is good because he needs desperately to be in the main event scene). Ricochet started scalping (!) Swerve and the only people who came out to break it up were, of all people, the newly united Undisputed Kingdom. Don’cha get it? Sure, Swerve is a good guy NOW, but dude HAS NO FRIENDS. He stepped on everyone’s neck to get to where he is. When people freak out about the storytelling, it’s stuff like that that’s so good, a subtle nuance. Swerve is still haunted by his past actions.

They aired a surprisingly touching backstage segment with Jeff Jarrett’s coterie where they all claimed they couldn’t get a hold of Jeff and then Jeff claimed he couldn’t get a hold of KAREN, HIS WIFE. Lord. Karen appeared and she said she supported him in whatever his decision was to be. AW. Not a sarcastic aw, either. I liked this.

Mariah May blithered about something or whatever. I hoped Double J would appear to give her the ol’ ACOUSTIC EQUALIZER, but alas. Instead, he went to the ring and talked about his career. A blind man could have seen what was coming, but still, this was well done. He ruminated upon his career and teased retiring before revealing he’s signed ONE LAST TALENT CONTRACT and that he wants the AEW title. Like, the TITLE title, not the TNT title or the tag titles or the trios titles. He’s not the only one; Jay White talked openly about wanting the title, as did… sigh… Maxwell Jacob Freidman. Actually, the MJF promo was one of his better ones of late, but in the style of Taz, I digress. At any rate, Dubba J said he would win the battle royale gauntlet deal next week. We shall see. It’s funny; I always bitch about the OLDS in AEW, but still, I love me some Jarrett.

I was praying that Jarrett’s true, hereditary enemy, the Professor, Mike Tenay was gonna come out to challenge him before he hung up the boots

At some point, Edge Cope (barf) big leagued Big Bill and Bryan Keith, telling Keith he sucked and was a boy and that Bill had a stupid face. Mr. Mummy with the recessed eyeballs has A LOT of audacity talking about ANYONE’S face. Anyway, Adam Copeland is now officially known as Cope. What other fan girl canon do we need to make real? They SMASHED US OVER THE HEAD with this new name many, many times during the main event. My feeding tube fell out so I vegetated during the match, coming back only for the finish; Jay White snuck in to kill young Wheeler YUTA, which led to YUTA eating a Shatter Machine at the hands (and knees) of FTR and then, of course COPE, the Rated Fifty Superstar, likely twice YUTA’s age, had to spear the seemingly indefatigable YUTA for the one, two, three. ‘Natch.

Main event aside, this was a good show; a lot of story stuff was advanced, men made their intentions known for the up until now sealed off AEW Heavyweight Championship and motivations were made more clear. Jon Moxley said he’d melt down the belt and sink it in the ocean before letting anyone unworthy have it. Kenny Omega is gonna make an appearance next week. The MAX debut was flawless from a technical aspect and, other than the weird, fringe elements of the increasingly sensitive AEW fandom, things seem like they have positive momentum. Not a bad way to kick off the New Year. Feeling mildly restored?