La Zona Muerta

Dynamite was a hot show, in front of a juiced crowd in Fairfax, Virginia. It started with a memorable match, Maxwell Jacob Friedman versus Kevin Knight, and ended with an even more memorable match, Darby Allin versus Brody King. I’m guessing, just due to that last match ALONE, that everyone is probably raving about this particular episode.

But to me… I dunno. I don’t feel like anything from this show will stick with me. I feel BIG EMPTY, not bummed, not bad… just kind of meh.

Is that an UNFAIR gripe? An indication that we expect too much from weekly wrestling TV these days?

Answers on a postcard.

It was a perfectly reasonable show. Probably a very good show. But it just didn’t FEEL like there was a lot for me to sink my teeth into. Swerve Strickland is on the horizon, so that’s good… but Will Ospreay is off doing penance push ups in a grunge pit with the Death Riders. Kenny Omega is off somewhere, probably with an arcade fight stick in his hand, feeling sorry for himself. Hangman Adam Page is MIA, enjoying real life time off with no follow up to his ridiculous storyline, which has barred him from the World Title picture. And MJF, while not actually champion, is all over TV, anyway, just sans belt. If you’re not into the MJF character, there has been NO REFUGE from him.

The Darby title reign is pretty cool, I guess; he’s giving title shots to dudes less likely to reach the heights of the title picture, the belt gets defended on TV every week, which makes it seem like a big deal and on top of that, he’s getting the brakes beaten off of him with every match. We all knew would be the case… he has all but TOLD us that, but if I were to nitpick, it feels like we are treading water a bit until MJF gets the belt back.

The problem with Darby as champion… you don’t want to have, let’s say Kenny Omega, to name a name, come in and beat him. That’s the wrong kind of face versus face energy. Darby’s engine runs on sympathy and determination. Kenny (or whomever) avenging Darby after Darby loses a tragic, cringe-inducing match to a heel (let’s say MJF) is also kind of a problem, because then Darby is automatically a little brother who needs to be bailed out by his senpai. That will cut off Darby’s nuts. No good. Could you do a three way at the pay per view? A hypothetical Darby, Kenny and MJF match? I guess, but then you still have the face versus face issue. Yes, Kenny could pin MJF and Darby can clap like a seal for him in the corner, but I don’t really feel like that does him (or Kenny for that matter, if he is the hypothetical next guy on deck, and frankly, we have seen no sign of that) any favors. MJF isn’t losing on TV over and over to not get his heat back, friends.

The x-factor that may prove intriguing is that Darby has now said twice on TV that if Max wants a title shot, that Max needs to put something on the line. Is Max going to have to do what the kids in the streets are calling “the Cody” to get the shot? Is he going to have to let Hangman out of the stip? Would that even make sense for Darby, who really has no link to Hangman, to ask for? I’m not really sure, to be honest with you. The answer could prove interesting… or could just lead to Max calling people fat and poor for another month. LET’S PRAY FOR RAIN. And interest.

As for Darby versus Brody King itself, as a unit of entertainment, what can I say? Brody beat the ever lovin’ SHIT out of Darby for twenty minutes. To get the advantage back, Darby used every part of the buffalo; the ring, the floor (I mean the literal floor), the steps, the announcer table, a cameraman (!) and a wacky “crash through the barricade like they did in every Roman Reigns match up until the time of the ThunderDome” spot to retain. It was pretty good. Darby’s health bar went down that much more. Next week, Kevin Knight gets a title shot (and I’m guessing THERE, to protect the innocent, MJF interferes). RUSH has been being fed dudes, like meat to a caged tiger, on TV for the past few weeks, so a title shot is probably in his future. Mmmmaybe Mark Davis, too, if beating Will Ospreay via DQ means anything to the non existent rankings. Andrade Il Idolo (he said the thing from the meme! Remember the meme?) is sniffing around MJF, too, so that is another potential wrench in the works. And then, of course, sooner or later, the Owen Hart Cup, which guarantees a title shot, is gonna have to start. Is this actually a good title picture and I’m just being sour? It’s hard for me to tell, sometimes. An olive branch to the legions howling how HOT AEW is at the mo’; despite my outward lack of enthusiasm, it certainly sounds decent on paper. How’s that?

(Editor Convoy here: I realized that I completely forgot to mention that they Sting-ified Darby by at least 37% which I appreciate; they gave him the repelling entrance from the goldang rafters AND the Scorpion Death Drop, which a year of WCW Monday Nitro made me believe was the most devastating move ever, so I like that. I like that Sting’s mentorship has actually meant something to the Darby character. Carry on.)

Speaking of Ospreay, I guess we have to talk about the little playlet they did on Collision, and then the one they ran on Dynamite. When last we left our chavvy hero, he had been (literally) carried off by the Death Riders, presumably for them to have their way with him (ooh er, missus). They actually took him to one of those nebulous backstage spaces only wrestlers can creep into, and pleasantly sat him down on a chair. Marina “license to commit chiropractic care” Shafir menacingly wrapped her towel around Ospreay’s neck…

…and with two stomach churning twists, possibly cured his never ending NECKY WECKY issue. Amongst the gross weirdos online wolf whistling, banging their fists on the table and drooling “hurr, I wish she’d do that to ME, amirite, amirite,” I had a different, less groin based reaction.

IF MARINA SHAFIR ENDED THE TERRIBLE NEVER ENDING OSPREAY NECK STORYLINE BY LAYING HANDS, SHE IS THE GREATEST WOMAN TO HAVE EVER DRAWN BREATH. Next time they are in Seattle, I will bake her muffins and cookies. And bring her some sensible socks.

(Also, kids, chiropractic adjustments are bad for you; a temporary solution with potential permanent side effects. Signed, someone with a bad back.)

Anyway, Jon Moxley sat down and gave Will, not an ultimatum, exactly (after all, he’s never been MAD at Will), but more an offer. The Death Riders can rebuild Will into the most dangerous weapon pro wrestling has ever known… if Will can put away his PRIDE.

This week, I guess pride went out the window. Ospreay rolled a natural twenty on his “detect Death-Jitsu” perception check and found the Death Riders and their sweaty grapple space.

Training with the Death Riders apparently doesn’t involve a ring (“Oh, we don’t do a RING,” Moxley cheerfully chirped when a skeptical Will agreed to train). Instead, training with the DRs means getting stretched by Shafir on a grimy boiler room floor. Mrs. Convoy laughed “That better be YUTA getting his ass kicked down there.” It was. Oh, and the training also includes getting mean mugged by a wonderfully incredulous PAC, who’s clearly got the “I’m the only weirdo from England around here” envy. His disgust at seeing Ospreay was PALPABLE. They still have ACCENT HEAT. I suppose Claudio Castagnoli will put Will on the patented Death Rider push up program and maybe we’ll get a new string to Will’s bow, maybe some grimy grappling to come? Ospreay had to acknowledge that while he isn’t technically cleared, he’s off to Japan in a few days, to further that particular story on the New Japan side of things (and to write him off of TV). This delighted cheerful patriarch Moxley (a side we have never seen him display before on TV. I imagine this is not a mile away from what actual father Jon Good looks like. He literally JUMPED FOR JOY when Ospreay found their torture den) who was all but BEAMING that Will was off to help his friends in the land of the Rising Sun.

I know people who HATE all this. Too wacky, too sports entertainment for them. I think it’s nothing if not interesting, at the very least. For me, it’s been amusing, and not in a pejorative sense. Mox being genuinely happy to embrace Will while jilted PAC seethed was great. Shafir possibly having cured Ospreay (or more accurately, cured him ENOUGH) is good enough logic for me in a wrestling sense; just enough connective tissue for me to dismiss the story I HATED WITH THE PASSION OF ONE HUNDRED FIERY SUNS and move on. Do I want Ospreay JOINING the DRs? Absolutely not. Can this be a “Sting joins the Four Horseman for a month until Sting wants a title shot and Ole Anderson gets pissed and immediately kicks him back out” type deal? Sure, absolutely.

I guess the Ospreay storyline in microcosm is a good encapsulation of AEW itself in macro right now. I may not know where they are going, exactly, but they have a plan, dammit. And they’re gonna execute that plan, come hell or high water. Is it a GOOD plan? Dunno. But they have SOMETHING, I suppose.

My issue right now is that there isn’t anything really grabbing me. I don’t have a problem with Darby as champ, just vague unease about where it goes. The Ospreay / Death Riders thing is largely fine. MJF is MJF, always lurking and ready to disrupt my enjoyment. One wonders if Kevin Knight is in a role Kyle Fletcher would be fulfilling right now, were he healthy. I couldn’t care less about Cope and Christian versus FTR (boy, did the Roppongi Vice boys work HARD for these dorks). THe Jericho thing is lost on me, and I don’t think it’s helping Ricochet all that much. I like Thekla, but feel they haven’t really done much to give her credible competition. Kazuchika Okada and Konosuke Takeshita’s feud is on the boil again, but you already know how I feel about that; they missed the peak, five months ago, and while I will surely enjoy the match, my faith in that program is lost. Swerve appears to be back, and should have a solid program with Bandido. An aside; I was ready to bury AEW into the cold, dead ground for airing the Bandido wild west film set promo YET AGAIN, but that was clearly the POINT; you were SUPPOSED to think it was the same old wild west stunt show again, but then something was very, very wrong. People were FLEEING, one guy bleeding. A man walked down the street, hands CAKED IN BLOOD and then we pull back to see it’s Swerve. Damn, is that guy cool. SWERVE, DISRUPTOR OF STAGE SHOWS. As long as this isn’t just a side quest, a way to keep Swerve busy, mind. Anyway, Swerve is back, and that certainly helps my interest level. But it still feels like AEW is lacking that one killer idea to make everything else coalesce; that one spark that takes a recipe from a collection of ingredients to something you serve your family over and over again.