La Zona Muerta

May as well get right into it this week, as I kick it speed style. If you want the more thoughtful, more introspective side of my writing, I dropped a near 7,000 word screed about TNA earlier this week. Tranquilo. Assenayo.

Much like most heel commentators when the in-ring action gets… questionable… you might say that my monitor went out for the first twenty minutes of Dynamite. Well, that isn’t true; I did see Will Ospreay and his intensive cult training as Jon Moxley continues to give Will his peculiar brand of encouragement. “Enough grabass,” Mox said, and damned if I don’t disagree. I realize that All In will end with the Death Riders plastic bagging a triumphant Ospreay, but when the living FUCK are we going to get to the fireworks factory? Moxley told Will that Will needed to stop showing hesitation… against ANYONE. Crazy, intensely focused Ospreay is quite a contrast from the wagging tail puppy dog man we would see later.

After my TV mysteriously turned back on, Jay White was threatening the charisma-challenged David Finley with his own shillelagh. PLEASE, SWITCHBLADE, DO HURT HIM.

The Conglomeration got glommed by the Demand. Well, more accurately, by the Lethal Twist. Once, I might have been upset by this,that these men I used to love were BUSHWHACKED, but now…? JUST FIGHT ALREADY. The trios championship should be defended EVERY WEEK ON TV. It’s amazing how many people I like are in the Conglomeration and how much I dislike the group (mainly to do with their presentation).

In a just world, Andrade Il Idolo would get HELLMURDERED by the hulking Jake Doyle. Unfortunately, we live in THIS shitty world, instead. A friend told me that it was obvious what they would be doing with Andrade next. “Yeah,” I agreed, “he’s gonna sweat on a lady and say ‘how you know’ over and over until I have six simultaneous heart attacks.” I recognize Andrade is talented in ring. I just get a vibe from him that I don’t enjoy, that’s all. Oh, and techico Andrade now threatens people with the Dynamite Diamond Ring for some reason. Cool cool. Say the line, Bart.

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times; AEW feels more ELITE when Kenny Omega is on the TV. The Young Bucks came out to give Kenny the REAL AEW Men’s Heavyweight title; get that Burberry garbage IN THE BIN.

Will Ospreay came out to, well not crash the party, exactly. Maybe to build up the party in August. Ospreay, in full puppy dog mode, ran down Ken’s resume and said Kenny was his hero. He said that this was a close as it gets to a real life Goku and Vegeta having a match. Uh…

Who’s Goku in this scenario and who’s Vegeta?

My level best attempt at aping Toriyama-sensei

And my other best attempt. Both have their pluses and minuses. I’m better at aping Akira Toriyama than I was as a teenager, but I still struggle with my digital tools

A question for the Omega Man… why did he keep calling Maxwell Jacob Friedman “Maxob?” It has to be a reference. Maybe this is what people call Max in the back?

The fella who ended up crashing the party after all was one Kevin Knight, pointing out that Max owed him a title shot. He dropped a pretty good line about Kenny; “What’s a God to a non-believer?” Ospreay stuck around as Knight ran down Kenny.

Kenny pointed out that Knight didn’t need MJF’s promise or Don Callis’ backing to get a title shot. “All that shit you’re spouting isn’t coming from you,” Omega went on to say. “I want Kevin ‘the Jet’ Knight, not Kevin ‘Don Callis’ lapdog bitch’ Knight.” Kevin considered his words… and clobbered Omega with the mic, which led to a number of dominoes falling; the attack of the Don Callis Family, Darby Allin and the Death Riders (heels in the first segment, remember) backing up Ospreay. Gang; this was a REAL good segment and Kevin Knight… they were right to get behind this kid. Every time they give him the ball, he RUNS with it.

Jack Perry is still a faux knife guy. But he IS fighting Nick Wayne on Collision, so that’s somethin’.

Bro- I refuse to say it– Bandido and Brody King squashed AEW originals Nick Comoroto and Aaron Solo. IT’S THROWBACK WEDNESDAY! Bandido is RIDICULOUS, hoisting up Comoroto, a huge, hairy man, with one arm. INSANE.

Bandido ran afoul of Kyle Fletcher on the way to the ring. Hmmm.

And Kyle? He faced the returning KOMANDER. Hell yeah! THIS is the kinda stiff I need on AEW TV.

This is the kind of man Kyle Fletcher is; a wag in the crowd yelled at him to “cover his ass,” and Kyle hiked his trunks up. *Chef’s kiss* Just a tremendous match with a couple of actually believable near falls on the part of Komander, who looked like he was auditioning for a contract extension. Fletcher started to pull at Komander’s mask, and my beautiful, best boy KONOSUKE TAKESHITA made the save… but then he got TRUCKED by one Kazuchika Okada. This was chaos in the best way. Okada covets the title Fletcher has, now, and just when it looked like PROTOKADA might have themselves a problem… Bandido and Brody King attacked. Is Takeshita gonna somehow fit working the PPV in during the G1? The mind boggles.

Darby told Kenny Omega in the back that there was no point in trying to reason with Kevin Knight… and suddenly a cryptic Jon Moxley agreed. “Some people just need a beating.” Hmmm, again. I wonder if Knight at the PPV is a feint, and it’s actually gonna be Mox? Guess we’ll see.

The Brawling Birds are back (and are veddy, veddy British). Okay.

The Painmaker is back (and still indistinguishable from plain ol’ Jericho).* Okay.

Tomasso Ciampa is back AND somehow saw that Jericho cut a promo as the Painmaker. Continuity got power drilled, I guess. IS IT GONNA BE A POWER DRILL MATCH OR NAH.

Brian Cage made a ragdoll of Darby Allin as Taz lamented paying for Brian Cage’s big boy dinner one evening. Incredible. Cage hurled Darby to the floor, but his head bounced off of the ring post; it’s difficult to say what part of that did more real life damage. Was that intentional? I can’t tell anymore, but here in the safety of Casa de Convoy, two grown adults screamed.

Speedball Mike Bailey told Kevin Knight that he still loved him, that there was still good in him and wished him well. Knight told Bailey to get lost… but he looked a little shaken. My immediate guess is that this isn’t going to end up with Knight seeing the light of his former babyfacedom… not this early, anyway… but rather leaving Callis’ grasp and ending up in someone else’s.

I’ve been known to Swerve when I drive… (hint)

This is… I’m uncomfortable writing about this, but it would be intellectually dishonest for me NOT to. Skip ahead two paragraphs if you don’t want to see me weigh in on what was very much NOT a controversy except to people who are VERY online… people, sadly… like ME.

I saw some of gnashing of teeth that the women’s six woman tag main event was happening purely in the the overrun of the show. Some folks were… how do I put this… pre-mad that this meant that the women would get shortchanged for time (the match ended up going twenty on the dot, so they did NOT, in fact, get shortchanged). Then, others were upset for other reasons. I guess the idea is that it was bad that the main event was in the overrun because it was… I… I’m not sure anymore. The women main evented Dynamite… but not in the RIGHT WAY, the way some people wanted, so it’s null and void, I suppose.

Look, I don’t want to be a big, gross dude telling people, particularly women, what to think. However… I HATE this divide we have over women’s wrestling. I hate that we treat it as this SEPARATE thing, when it ISN’T. I hate that we hold it to this strange standard I don’t understand. I do think it’s worth advocating for, fighting for… when there’s a reason to. I don’t think it’s worth being paranoid over. I certainly don’t think it’s worth ARGUING over, so I think I’m just gonna call it here. Suffice to say the six woman tag was fine and suited my “we have to continue pushing Maya World” agenda. Also, shout out to Hyan, who is tiny, hitting a great looking spear on Mercedes Moné.

I wasn’t a huge fan of the first forty five minutes of Dynamite, but pretty much everything from the Kenny celebration onward was mint. Komander / Fletcher is the EXACT kind of thing that gets my juices flowin’. Obviously AEW have done this to themselves a bit; no one was asking for an extra PPV this year, so this um… accelerated two week build is their own fault… but it seems like they are trying hard to not let Redemption be a placeholder.

*”What’s a painmaker? Sounds stupid.” – Kazuchika Okada