La Zona Muerta

We could argue all day the merits of AEW slowly but surely crawling towards the once per month pay per view model… suffice to say I don’t like it but it’s not like I don’t understand it. Money talks, and all that. I do think that there is a touch of nuance lost when AEW doesn’t hit a home run on PPV… there’s an awful lot of defense. Yes, we’re spoiled. Yes, it’s better than the competition. Yes, yes, yes.

Here’s the thing. We enter a sort of contract with AEW when we buy a show from them (no, I don’t mean the literal contract you didn’t read when you signed up for HBO Max); we hand them forty or fifty bucks for five or six hours of entertainment. We count on them to not take that scared trust lightly. I don’t think they DID, here, I’m not accusing them of that, but as the feature creep sets in, the ridiculous string of excellent PPVs just simply can’t, WON’T last, and I guess that’s something we ALL have to accept.

I understand that AEW is scrutinized unfairly. I realize that we are lucky to have a generally high quality of product… but again… this is COMMERCE. We are PAYING them for this, at a time where people have LESS money in their pockets, so if people are a bit disappointed… YOU DON’T HAVE TO INSTANTLY TELL THEM WHY THEY ARE WRONG TO FEEL THAT WAY. AEW is the one company that listens to feedback, so maybe if the fact that a portion of the audience was somewhat dissatisfied gets through… AEW will work to correct that dissatisfaction, yeah? Accepting things BLINDLY is the hallmark of the fans of the other place. Do you REALLY want to be like them?

May as well look at the show, I guess.

Here’s the issue with ladder matches. The guys in them take spectacular risks… but rarely do those risks ever equate to doing something in order to win the match. The six man ladder bout featuring the returns of the Beast Mortos and El Clon, plus Komander, Speedball Mike Bailey, Nick Wayne and Jack Perry, had plenty of cool spots and some distressing near misses that could have led to injury, but ultimately, everyone killed each other and Speedball just sorta climbed a ladder in an anticlimactic fashion to win. No biggie. It’s all so… immersion breaking and it’s not anyone’s FAULT; it’s just the nature of the ladder match. Everyone does their personal crazy spot that’s set up for them and then they rest on the outside to wait their turn for the next one. There was a point where Nick Wayne hit a picture perfect Phoenix Splash to a prone opponent laying on a table outside, but it had NOT A BLESSED THING to do with climbing the ladder to win the match. In a similar vein, Bailey climbed a ladder and leapt onto his opponents, a spectacular spot to be sure… BUT IT WAS ON A LADDER ON THE ENTRANCE RAMP. Why are you all up there and not in the goddamned ring, trying to, like, I dunno, win the match? I loathe ladder matches and the worst part is how dangerous they legitimately are, for such little payoff. Bailey was a KING OF MEN in Montreal, so the reactions for his entrance and win were outstanding, but there were points during the match that the crowd were in “stunned silence,” according to the announcers. Huh. There were also points where the most over participants were the tables that were brought out because… wrestling fans.

I could write VOLUMES about the next match. Look, I have been fairly onboard with the Will Ospreay / Death Riders storyline, at least for the most part. After tonight? They must have known it was Shark Week coming up, because the shark? She was JUMPED. STEP, STEP UP. ALL SHARKS WILL BE JUMPED.

They did it; they figured out a way to take excitement out of a Young Bucks match. Take one of the Bucks, make it seem as though he suffered BRAIN TRAUMA, and then inject ten minutes of will he / won’t he faces of concern from Will Ospreay menacing the non CTEed Buck as they performed the ancient art of grappling STORYTELLING. What good is STORYTELLING when the STORY they are TELLING is so lame, so contrived and so repetitive? I’ve already SEEN Ospreay do the “oh no, I have this amazing finishing move but I can’t use it, bruv” thing. We’re back to that, but now in stereo as Jon Moxley screams at him to “DO IT, PULL THE TRIGGER.” Cue the Many Faces of Ospreay™ as he transitions from dull surprise to mild shock to thumb chewing indecision. WHAT DO I DO, BIG BRUV IN THE SKY? PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

I dunno. Have a fucking wrestling match? Gotch wept.

You’d think that Moxley, in particular, not the character, but JONATHAN GOOD, THE ACTUAL MAN would be putting the kibosh on this nonsense having had a stomach full of it elsewhere. But instead, this STAMFORD SANDWICH, this CONNECTICUT CROISSANT is probably coming direct from his overrated kitchen. A pal said that an interesting outcome to all of this could be making Ospreay TOO good, TOO willing to hurt his opponents, in some kind of Manchurian Candidate twist, where even Moxley has to admit he went too far in rebuilding Ospreay and I agree that could be an interesting angle, but I no longer have faith in AEW, Ospreay, Moxley or the rest to get us there. Ospreay heard the feedback about him doing exaggerated faces and head movements from last Wednesday and TRIPLED DOWN with morals and indecision. ACTING!

Anyway, the story, the narrative THRUST of this match was that Nick Jackson appeared to be hurt (so much so that it called into question the effectiveness of the referee since he acted like he should maybe call off the match several times for safety) after a noggin collision with Will. Ospreay basically waffled back and forth about finishing Nick off for the next ten minutes. Matt Jackson was a good older brother and tried to win the match on his own. When they let the Young Bucks do Young Buck things, this was great! The rest of the time? Moxley got mad and wanted to prove a point, giving MASSIVE HEAD WOUND HARRY Nick two Paradigm shifts (the DDT version of Mox’ finish) and a Death Rider (the brain buster variant) but somehow, that wasn’t enough. Mox rolled out to get a chair to REALLY make Nick’s brain ooze out of his nose, and that was a BRIDGE TOO FAR for ol’ puppy dog brain Billy. They had a pull apart over the chair, and the Bucks landed a million superkicks or whatever on Mox.

All Elite Emoting. Bucks win. Mox was upset that Ospreay can’t DO THE DAMN THING. Ospreay is CONFLICTED.

There was a backstage interview later to REALLY REITERATE THE STORY, REALLY PUNCH IT HOME, since the story they told in the ring was so SUBTLE and NUANCED. “I’m not trying to blow someone’s brains out, bruv!” moaned Ospreay. “If you can’t pull the triggerrrrrr, I will,” snarled Mox. Homies, I GET IT. Quit smashing me over the head with the “story!” I know, how about this for a storyline? This is the third match between Kenny Omega and Ospreay. They’re tied at having won one incredible match each. This is likely the last time they will challenge one another so they will go ALL OUT at ALL IN. There, done.

Sigh.

Kyle Fletcher and Bandido had a good match. I wouldn’t call it a great one. If it was on Dynamite, I’d probably be jumping up and down, but this is PAY PER VIEW, DOG. I think it took them a couple of minutes to get on the same page. Kyle took so much of the match that I turned and looked at the missus and asked “there’s no way Bandido is winning this, right?” I don’t get how Bandido is booked. The ultimate underdog who rarely wins (yes, I realize he won on Collision, but no one will go back and WATCH the match on Collision. They’ll go back to relive the PPV match). The DANGEROUS~! Brainbuster eventually won the match for Kyle. I guess Bandido is in the rear view. I wish whatever title Kyle currently has (the International title, I think?) was in his rear view, as well. Maybe this match was better than I am giving it credit for, and I’m just sour from twenty minutes of MasterOspreay Theatre.

I finally got the venerable Mrs. Convoy to write something for the column, just for you readers. Brace yourselves.

“The Dogs vs. the Bang Bang Gang. No matter who wins, we lose. DUD.”

Brvvity remains the soul of wit, huh? I should take lessons. I should dust off the old “dude, you’re getting a dud” graphic from DDT Digest, but I don’t want to steal. Hang on.

Yes, this is what ALL MEN looked like circa 1999, like Mark McGrath threw up on a corpse with a rictus grin

That’s better.

The Dogs, Jay White and Juice Robinson had one of the most HEATLESS matches I’ve ever seen on AEW pay per view.

Oh, and David Finlay nearly succeeded in putting Jay White back on the shelf, and I don’t mean in the kayfabe, fake grapple man sense. SEND THE DAWGS TO HELL. Or maybe to NJPW Strong, which doesn’t even exist anymore. The LEGION of Finlay defenders that cropped up BECAUSE HE PICKED THE RIGHT SIDE. He still SUCKS. Oh, spare Jay from this MIDCARD MUCK. If you needed a minute to enjoy THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE, boy do I have a match for you.

Maya World got a fluke victory over Hikaru Shida to win the TBS title. I have advocated for AEW to push Maya, yes, but a fluke victory? After Shida destroyed her the entire time? I dunno, man. And of course, everyone is just thrilled Maya won the title, not really thinking about how she got there in this match (by survival, not triumph) or what she will have to look like going forward in order to be a credible champion. Winning a title isn’t everything, folks. I’m not certain if the ends justified the means, here.

Cope ‘n’ Cage beat the Death Riders because duh. Did you know that Cage and Cope, according to Mick “Super Creep” Foley were “one of the five best tag teams of ALL TIME”? They weren’t even the best tag team in WWE when they won the belts. The build for the Wembley match apparently is going to be a clash of “the two best tag teams of their generations.” Thank Gotch that the shambling zombie corpses of the Hardy Boyz are engaged elsewhere. Oh, they’re sequestered in the land of the Walking Dead, you say? How convenient. I’m sure this match would have been a wonderful Collision main event.

Brothers, sisters and non binary siblings, you haven’t seen OUTRAGE until you’ve seen the look on my wife’s face as Chris Jericho, dressed as “the Painmaker,” whatever that is, come out to Judas Priest’s “Painthriller.” The announcer reliably informed us that the Painmaker was also known as the “Japanese Humiliator.” Does that mean he humiliated Japanese personally or that they were humiliated because they had to watch his half assed Clockwork Orange cosplay antics? Didja know that “the Painmaker” has a poison mist gland, just like the Great Muta did? Cool cool. Tell them YOU have a poison mist gland at the ol’ Korova Milk Bar, and they’ll give you a shot of two percent on the house.

Tomasso “I’m out of police references, he loves cops, do you get it now” Ciampa was a living prop in this battle of “who has more plunder at the ready.” Ciampa pulled out a Boston Bruins jersey at one point and that got a bigger reaction than any of the DANGEROUS IMPLEMENTS employed during the match. There were, I dunno… hockey pucks or something? One may have had tacks huckled to its underside. Hockey sticks because Canada? A mirror? Two mirrors? Some tacks on a knee pad? I think some sandpaper came into play, and Ciampa bled a little. The announcers acted like it was a bloodbath, when it was more like a trickle. I’m sure everyone worked real hard and etcetera but yeah, this was not for me or for probably anyone that has seen actual deathmatches. Crowd may have liked it here and there but there were a lot of quiet parts. The doctor checked on Jericho at one point because of REAL GLASS™, but when Jericho the Painmaker “used” a power drill on Ciampa’s skull, no one seemed particularly concerned. BLUE LIVES MATTER*, BUT WRESTLERS’ DON’T. After that match, I might not hold certain wrestlers’ lives in high regard, either.

Mick Foley barked like a dog at the behest of the Divine Dominion. And you thought MARK HENRY was stealing money. Of COURSE I’M NOT KIDDING. I didn’t pay forty bucks to see a geriatric’s fetishes displayed in my living room, thanks. MICK FOLEY IS A GROSS CREEP.

Andrade Il Idolo now proudly features “HOW YOU KNOW” in his theme song and says it when he hits one of his signature moves, the “How You Know Driver,” one hopes. Mark Davis, sadly, dropped the National title, here. Another okay match if it were on TV, but I am PAYING to VIEW this. At one point, Andrade missed a head scissors on Davis, but Davis leapt into the ring post, anyway. What a sport. Tony Schiavone was THRILLED that Andrade won, I guess because Andrade is a REAL LATINO MAN. Just in case you forgot that “how you know” is the real Latino man’s catchphrase, it was also helpfully written on his ass for quick reference.

Willow Nightingale defeated Thekla for the women’s championship, and now presumably will be going on to battle Mercedes Moné at Wembley. That’s probably a better match up, a better throughline than Mercedes and Thekla would have been, so it’s great in that sense. Thekla, honestly, doesn’t need the championship; she can face a special challenger or whatever she wants, really. The match was solid enough. Of course, you had to have some interference in there… Willow had to pause the action to take out Skye Blue (sigh) and then… she just sorta won. I called it a “fluke” on Bluesky, which is wrong; it wasn’t a fluke in the way the Maya win was. It was just sort of… “okay, now it’s time to end the match,” I suppose. Again, I think Willow is the better choice going into Wembley, but I wasn’t like jumping up and down with joy for Willow here. I know, again that the fact she triumphed will likely overshadow how we got here.

Not for the first time, it was up to Kenny Omega to save the show… and he knew that he had to help give Kevin Knight part of the pushski to get to the next level.

They don’t call this cat the BEST BOUT MACHINE for no reason, folks.

Kevin Knight is like Kyle Fletcher a year ago, so young and hungry. He wants this, wants to get to the next level; and Omega is a generous dude; he’s going to do his best to get Knight there while, y’know, beating the snot out of him. Kenny was borderline HEELISH a few times, screaming that Kevin would NEVER be Kenny, would NEVER take the belt from him. THe announcers sort of clued in to this but failed to stick the landing; TOny Schiavone pointed out that Knight seemed to be making Kenny more emotive, and the others agreed, saying Knight and Don Callis had been working to get under Kenny’s skin… but then Tony failed to stick the landing and said that it was obvious that Knight had FAILED to get under Kenny’s skin. Huh? That’s basically the point of this entire match; Kenny was PISSED OFF, so he showed Kevin Knight what it was like to run with the big dogs. Kevin got to do his signature spots, and even outwitted Kenny SLIGHTLY with some TWO BELT CHICANERY. There are few things that bring me as much pleasure as Kenny working at the height of his powers, and Kevin Knight hung in there, overmatched but not outclassed. Lovely stuff.

Then it was time for ACT III of Ospreay and Moxley: The Tortured Pair as the Death Riders arrived to Pillmanize Kenna Omega’s goshdarn neck with a chair. THe Bucks tried to help but were stopped. Will Ospreay, CONFLICTED AGAIN, stopped the gang beating and possible Pillmanization (shout out to PAC for looking EVIL on the floor). Moxley shooed the Death Riders away and presented Will with the dreaded PLASTIC BAGGIE. At this point, we were HOWLING for Will to just fully turn heel and to do it. There MAY have been a chant of “do it” in the crowd but maybe they were saying something in French. “Mais non! This is, ‘ow you say, terrible!” I CAN’T BE SURE. At any rate, we got MORE conflicted Billy before he FINALLY ripped up the bag (with great effort; them plastic bags be sturdy) and hit Mox with the Hidden Blade. AT LEAST HE DID SOMETHING AS OPPOSED TO TO SIMPLY STANDING THERE, TREMBLING WITH THE POWER OF PANTOMIME. He helped Kenny to his feet and lingered a little too long on picking up the fallen AEW title… and Kenny, looking at the remnants of the bag and what that meant…

…hoisted Will up and CRUSHED HIM with the One Winged Angel. Some will see this as a heel turn… but I’m not so sure. Kenny REALIZED that he was nearly TAGGED AND BAGGED, so he defended himself, as far as I can see. Obviously there is an element of this that would seem to indicate AEW is AFRAID of Kenny being cheered over Will at Wembley; we’ll see if they lean harder into this or not; right now, Kenny’s actions appear to be probably justified.

So, yeah, that was the show. A mixed bag, at best, and definitely a show that didn’t justify it’s existence**. If this all happened on a themed Dynamite / Collision, I’d likely be singing a different tune, even if the HEAT DEATH of the Death Riders / Ospreay storyline would have been bad in ANY format that they presented to us.

There can be no more excuses, no more hand wringing (looking at you, Billy Goat). Everything has to drive HARD towards All In, now. Sales have picked up, obviously people WANT to see Will and Kenny but they need to ACCENTUATE the matches we know are coming while really watching out that they don’t overcomplicate the stories. The MATCHES are the end product, which is the thing the other place has forgotten. I saw SO MANY PEOPLE crowing unironically about the STORYTELLING in the Moxpreay / Bucks match and I was FLABBERGASTED. The STORYTELLING in the match was unsubtle and obnoxious and repeated over and over, into infinity, taking away from the match itself. If that’s what “STORYTELLING” is (it isn’t), I want NO PART OF IT. GOOD WRESTLING MATCHES HAVE TO BE THE PRODUCT OR THERE’S NO POINT TO ANY OF IT.

I can’t imagine going back and watching this show ever again, not because it was terrible, but simply because it just wasn’t particularly enjoyable for me. Kenny and Knight might be worth revisiting on it’s own, and I’m sure the video package (!) they make out of Willow’s win will be a feel good moment that can be relived over and over. I’m starting to notice a worrying tendency to accept that good outcome = good match, and that is something I don’t want to confront if I can help it.

C’mon, AEW. You have a hungry, THIRSTY (perhaps in many ways) audience; don’t let economic reality get in the way of serving us the good stuff.

*NOT an endorsement, it’s a joke because Ciampa LUVS the popo. Shame that photo of him with the Blue Lives Matter flag in his gym seems to have been scrubbed

**not that it will matter; even if this show doesn’t do GREAT in the PPV arena, it will still net AEW millions of dollars, so even their lesser attempts are STILL successes