La Zona Muerta

Editor Convoy here: in between taking notes and writing the column last night, I lost at least part of my draft in a fashion where it couldn’t be retrieved. Frankly, I didn’t feel strongly enough about either the show or what I had already written to reconstruct all of it. If this missive lacks the usual fit and polish, blame it on an “unnamed” WordPress error, an eighty-five degree evening and a less than stellar general mood.

So, AEW Grand Slam Mexico numero dos. A little under three hours of mostly good in ring action, and only a couple of stinky angles. Was this an all time, unforgettable show? Probably not, but read on anyway, please.

I realize Edge brings joy to (some) wrestling fans, including the stalwarts that occupy Arena Mexico, la cathedrál de lucha libre, but sadly, I’m not one of them. We went from Hangman Adam Page cutting an impassioned promo (in Spanish, no less) last year to kick off Grand Slam Mexico to Edge milking the crowd to sing his dopey theme song this year; a MASSIVE downgrade. He had a “Rated R” mask because of course he did. Such pageantry, much splendor, etc. Edge and his hetero lifemate, Christian, teamed with the Young Bucks to take on the Death Riders. PAC, bless his moist, surly self, trolled the vociferous crowd by wearing English football jersey. A beautiful man.

As always, Tony Khan remains Warner Bros. / Discovery’s strongest soldier, even as WBD BURNS AROUND HIM, as the turnbuckle pads had HBO MAX “Lanterns” (ugh, ugh, spit, gross) branding for some reason. Can we please leave that dumb, corporate synergy for the DOMESTIC branded specials?* Look, I just want to know if I should be using Roshfrans in my car and if I should drink BOING! or not. ¿DONDE ESTA EL CLAMATO LOGO?

It’s hard for me to judge matches like this; the arena was so MOLTEN that the workers could have been playing pattycake or hacky sack and the crowd still would have been cheering their faces off. Edge “hit” what I could only qualify as the Six One Not. NOSTALGIA OR WHATEVER, BUT SOMEONE ELSE’S NOSTALGIA. That seemed ill-judged, but what the hell do I know? There were a lot of shenanigans, of course, probably too many, but I don’t think this sort of thing is really for me. It’s for fifteen thousand screaming Mexican fans. Fine. MUY BIEN.

Also not for me; Tomasso Ciampa coming out in an American flag. For heat, you see (probably, let’s face it, also Ciampa’s normal home attire. Contrast this with the delightful jersey troll from PAC. You can do nationalism without being a gross dork). Andrade il Idolo, unsurprisingly, was a hero to the Arena Mexico faithful, perhaps literally. They may STILL be chanting “idolo.” The underlooked Komander did his best in this three way dance, but what else could he do? Neither AEW nor CMLL make the best use of him.

Pin me, pay me. Komander hit this amazing, twisting poisonrana at one point, and it doesn’t matter a lick

At some point during the match, Andrade found one of his lame plants in the crowd in order to receive a wee kiss from her. You know, I watch CMLL most every week and Soberano Jr., a rudo who is BELOVED by the women who come to CMLL shows (and there is a sizable female contingent, trust me), doesn’t NEED plants. Women will stand OFFENDED if Soberano passes them by, as happened on Tuesday night during the AEW x CMLL Semana Internacional show (Hey, Soberano ALSO beat Komander! Imagine that).

Anyway, Andrade hit whatever his finishing move is on Komander (I’m still holding out for it to be called the HOW YOU KNOW DRIVER). Of COURSE Komander ate the pin. Again. Ciampa wouldn’t have been hurt in the SLIGHTEST by losing here, but whatever. I was chatting with a friend and she pointed out something I was too dumb to pick up on; obviously it’s Andrade versus Maxwell Jacob Friedman at Wembley, presumably for the stupid Dynamite Diamond Ring. Only took me until today to realize this. *cough*

Andrade then cut what I can only classify as a bad promo in mixed English and what I’d have to call Don Callis level Spanish, saying he had “una pregunta” and then “helpfully” explaining EN INGLES, POR FAVOR that he had a question. YES, I KNOW WHAT A “PREGUNTA” IS, DORK. Everyone who has ever seen an episode of SESAME STREET knows. Tonys Schiavone and Khan both apparently think this tryhard blowhard is the coolest dude in the world, and I still don’t get it.

At any rate, Andrade suddenly got laid out by MJF carrying his “Triple B.” Ugghhhhhh. MJF apparently is going to do some sort of “real world’s champion” type deal, claiming he never lost the title (even though the outcome of that match was not in any sort of question, wasn’t contentious in the least). I despair for my sanity. MJF did his racist bit, talking about what a shithole Mexico is, which, I’m assured is “good heat.” I used to think the world of this guy, but now…? A “real world’s champion” deal? Ultra cheap nationalist heat? Laaaaame. I think the only time the fake champ gimmick has ever worked was with Ric Flair in 1991, and even then, it only really worked for the first few weeks, IF that. Oh good, I just realized; Max can FINISH PUNK’S STORY. Remember Punk’s SPECIAL SACK? It, too, just like it’s owner, was a Collision exclusive. And woe, WOE be to you if you DARE to point out that a “real world’s champion” story is lame… because a LEGION of MJF defenders will rise to the occasion, defending “their scumbag” with full chested nonsense. I’m not out to yuck YOUR yum, but to me, this is lame, a rehash of something Punk wasn’t around long enough to even really fully get into, and strikes me as borderline lazy. Max really was better than this, once. I’m just trying to remember when.

Apropos of, well, the last match and the next, I suppose, I would like to move for a “no tributes to Eddy Guerrero unless you actually knew the man, and even then” policy going forward. Please and thank you.

Mercedes Moné, the Divine Dominion, the Brawling Birds and Willow Nightingale all beat the crud out of each other. Jamie Hayter did what I can only describe as a sort of, uh… a middle finger dance? when Willow got the win over Mercedes. I hope that doesn’t mean Mercedes wins at Wembley. Willow desperately needs that stamp of approval from the veteran.

Kyle Fletcher (sans TIARA, what a rip off**) battled Speedball Mike Bailey in what was probably the match of the night, depending on how strongly you felt about the main event. Fletcher, at one point STRAIGHT HURLED Bailey into the safety (?) barricade, which was… wow. I know a little, tiny bit how the sausage is made in regards to wrestling, just a smidge… I know that there’s some FENNEL in there, but I don’t know how you do that safely, especially the way Speedy took it. Jesus, this match was BRUTAL, full of scary spots. I realize that the crowd was propelling everyone to try a little harder but these dudes were just laying WASTE to each other. The DANGEROUS~! brainbuster into the turnbuckle finally won the day for big Kyle, but Speedy gave him a helluva fight. Not the biggest Speedball fan, but he’s the kind of dude you want on your roster, able to have a match with anyone and able to get a crowd to rally behind him.

Hey, are they doing Kyle versus Kazuchika Okada at All In? Hmmmmm. Okada and Fletcher no longer appear to be quite on the same page. Something that has me genuinely interested.

So, next was the stacked former champions match with Okada, Hechicero (another cat who can’t buy a win in either CMLL or AEW; ridiculous), and Kevin Knight versus Chris Jericho, Darby Allin and, of course, the mighty Mistico. Okada has the BEST hater energy. When Mistico came out to the familiar strains of “Me Muero” (CMLL doesn’t let us hear that every Friday night, which is promotional malpractice), Okada sneered and shook his head repeatedly. Amazing.

Pretend I had time to draw sneering Okada instead of reusing “apparently sodomized by a corncob” Okada

Jericho came out with lemon juice lightened hair and some of his old gear as “Corazon de Léon.” Sorta. I doubt anyone there other than the most STAUNCH of fans even remember his stint in CMLL and more likely remember the TERRIBLE match he had with Mistico a year or two ago. Kevin Knight got the match going early by cutting off Darby’s skateboard entrance with a tremendous diving clothesline. At one point, Darby did his suicide dive, but it was some INTERCEPTED by an Okada dropkick on the floor. Okada, man! OKADA. Darby was actually very over in Arena Mexico, and took some TOUGH bumps in that brutally tough ring and hard floor, but I dunno if anything he took was as nasty as what Speedball suffered. Match was pretty standard but I don’t mean that in a pejorative sense; it was an all star deal and the crowd ate it up. Triple technico submission por la victoria. Que bueno.

Persephone and Kris Statlander had what seemed to be a hard hitting match… perhaps let down a bit by

1) the crowd maybe not being familiar with Stat (or maybe more accurately only caring about Persephone)

2) the ludicrous amount of interference from Thunder Rosa and eventually Hikaru Shida, involving a ref bump. PS, I saw the match where Rosa won the National Feminil title (strangely, a belt defended in CMLL, but NOT a CMLL belt. Go figure), and uh… yeah

I dunno; this molten crowd was decidedly less molten after all of this. I dunno what to make of it (I DO know what to make of it, but I’m attempting to be polite). “At least Persephone won” is about all I can say.

Hangman Adam Page, Bandido, Brody King and KEMALITO (!!!) came out with ranchero music and (presumably) non problematic sombreros to face Ricochet’s Demand. This was a wild match, better than the first six man, with crazy strength spots (Toa Liona put ALL THREE MEN on his back at one point; what a BEAST) and poor KeMalito taking a BIG BOY BUMP, bless his heart. At some point, TWEETS invaded the screen, telling us that the “vibes” were “immaculate.” No shit, buddy, it’s called BEING IN ARENA MEXICO. GET IN THE BIN, GENIUS. The finish was terrific; Hangman hit a Buckshot lariat to trigger Bandido’s German suplex on Liona (!) for the win. My wife, notorious technico hater, growled “I don’t recognize title changes that take place outside of the home country of the title,” as is her wont. I get it, I understand her good guy antipathy, but this was the right finish POR LA PUBLICA. The trios titles can certainly bear being hot potatoed all over the place; in fact I think that makes the most sense for them.

Yes, I have used this pic before, but I like it, okay? Give me and the ROH champion a break

Then, AEW dared to DISRESPECT OUR TIME*** by PLUNGING into the already… ah… overran overrun by airing the MEXICO CITY STREET FIGHT with Mark Davis and Will Ospreay. We were bummed… the way Arena Mexico is set up… the street is pretty literally RIGHT THERE, easily accessible, so we were hoping that the boys would take it outside. No such luck, but Ospreay WAS knocked down the steps, for all of you Ospreay haters. I had pals who were SURE Arena Mexico might not like ol’ Ospreay… that was anything but the case. We can fantasy book people booing Ospreay all we want but it ain’t gonna happen. At worst, both Ospreay and Kenny Omega (where WAS Kenny, anyway?) will both get cheered. Ospreay was a KING of men, here, and he and Davis brutalized each other for another twenty minutes or so. They even got color, and believe me, these days, that is a RARITY in Arena Mexico. If anything, as I go back and make my “edits” to this column, mere seconds before it is scheduled to automatically post, I see that I’m under selling this match; it was special, if a bit gory. The finish saw Ospreay hit the Hidden Blade… with BARBED WIRE wrapped around his elbow. WILD. Ospreay, for all of my (our) making fun of him as this brainless puppy dog man has a really unique mind, centered completely around wrestling and how to get a rise out of a crowd. The chants of OSPREAY, OSPREAY rang out and really, lasted through an awful lot of the match.

Ultimately, was this excursion as good as last year’s show? I suppose not. It was still good, sure, probably not as SPECIAL, not as NOVEL, but that’s no crime. The PUBLICA came unglued for nearly everything and regardless of if this was MY favorite show (it wasn’t), it made AEW come off like they are MUY CALIENTE as almost everything they did hit, and hit BIG. Feels like a hot run up to All In.

*The show said to have lots of “references” for long-time fans. Wow. References. A police procedural with too much superhero stuff for fans of police procedurals, and too much police procedural stuff for superhero fans. Another superhero show embarrassed of its origins? A sure fire winner! James Gunn, you’ve done it again. Also, Tom King can get bent.

**I assure you, Kyle was lista con una tiara el Martes para CMLL

***OH, I KID, Mostly. But the person that wrote that AEW was disrespecting their time WITHOUT A DROP OF IRONY should be at least somewhat ashamed of themselves