La Zona Muerta

Have to say before committing eyeballs to phosphor and fingers to keyboard; this is not the best sounding Dynamite on paper. There are three weeks to Wembley, brethren; in the words of TONY KHAN HIMSELF, let’s fucking go! No time to slooooow down, so what is this card?

Tonight, Dynamite emanated from a very lackluster Las Vegas venue and crowd. Pedal to the metal and all that… and yes, a couple of matches for All In were established… mostly by backstage interview. WHERE IS THE EXCITEMENT? This felt like auto-pilot.

If you are looking for positive reinforcement, pro AEW cheerleading and assorted whatnot; this might not be the best column for you this week. I’ll be upfront; I thought this was a fairly middling show. If you want some snark and zingers, then by all means, lay on, MacDuff.

The ghost of Will Ospreay’s grandfather sez: “DO A FLIP!” Ospreay… Ospreay sort of perplexes me. There was a point where I thought he came off as endlessly likable and affable. These days, I just wait for him to say something stupid and cringe-y. I almost always want to stand up for Ospreay, as I think a certain segment of fans are far too hard on him, but then… he goes out of his way to do head scratching stuff that makes him seem pretty goddamned UNLIKABLE. What happened to that lovable lad from last year who honestly had become a killer promo?

Ospreay launched into the “Kenny Omega is bad because he is not here but I’m here every week, bruv” stuff, which is not a great way to get me, or indeed ANYONE on side. AEW, Will, WHOMEVER; NO ONE WANTS TO BOO KENNY. Stop TRYING. Will called out Kenny… and then intimated that Kenny was too busy to come out because Michael Nakazawa was trimming his testicles in the back… attempting to evoke gay panic, I guess? I don’t THINK Will meant it in THAT way, but… it’s hard to say, these days. I have an idea; how about we don’t go there at all and then we don’t have to worry about it! Crazy, huh? The droning buzz of the BROWN NOTE indicated Don Callis was in the building, as he cut off Ospreay entirely (possibly preventing Will from sticking his foot any further in his mouth). Love Don, obviously, but… can we please get to some ACTION?

Don came out to run down both Kenny AND Will, which makes sense, as Don has extensive history with both… and the Don Callis Family mugged Will during Don’s monologue. Oh, Will. IT WAS A LEAD PIPE CINCH, as Kenny charitably made the save with his international object (no, NOT Michael Nakazawa) and armored in a new (presumably) bi-flag inspired jacket … but Kenny NEARLY ended up braining Ospreay with said pipe after he cleared out the bad guys. Maybe that Nakazawa comment was a bit too close to home? “Just hit him” shouldn’t be the reaction this threat evokes. Kenny pointed out what a dipshit Ospreay has been, really since before he was in the promotion proper… and well… yeah. Kenny actually helped Will to his feet (after Will thought about it) but pointed out he can’t HELP Will any more. Will said he didn’t NEED help, but let me tell YOU, dear reader; he was in no danger of making a comeback on DCF. Felt like he DID need the help, to be perfectly honest. I’m burying the lede here slightly; Kenny was EXCELLENT in this. I can imagine one prominent podcast host I listen to being upset that Kenny is an anime super villain or some other dumb thing, but Kenny’s tone, his cadence… “I can’t HELP you anymore, Will…” Under the right circumstances, that could have been chilling. They REALLY need to figure out that people don’t want to boo Kenny.

Maxwell Jacob Friedman came out and… gee, gang, I musta zoned out. Darn the luck! *cough* I had lost all interest by the time the MID MATCH MONOLOGUE kicked in (Mid Match Monologue™ co-owned by JH and VM. We’re working on getting a kickback every time one is deployed). Max, his fake title belt and his very real bacne won the match, beating YOUNG NICK WAYNE because of course he did. Oh, and Speedball Mike Bailey was there, too, let the record show. *l*ic** *t**t, please get your man to *xf*l**t*. Bailey and Wayne have a helluva singles match in them, evident in the few minutes they shared the ring together. Hope we get to see it sooner than later. So yes, the heel who claims to be the world’s heavyweight champion won a match to be in a gauntlet to decide who will be the number one contender to… the world’s heavyweight champion. Such storytelling, much crash out.

The Divine Whatnot cut a promo on THE BINTS WITH THE TINTS or whatever. Thirty seven minutes and nothin’ on.

Oh, this isn’t gonna help MY interest levels; Mick Foley clapping cheeks with the BANG BUS BOYS. Jay White, I BEG you to turn this show around!

Sadly, he only interest I have in seeing Jay versus David Finlay is if it’s an extended squash where Jay hits the Blade Runner over and over and over and over and over and over and- *record scratch*

Do you guys remember, during the pandemic, when an angry Jay White sat in a New Japan ring, berating the crowd for being silent? I believe this was June, 2022 in Osaka-Jo Hall, and Jay was fresh off of defeating Kazuchika Okada. Jay commanded the audience, disallowed from cheering due to obvious COVID protocols, to SAY SOMETHING. “Say something, Osaka. SAY SOMETHING!” he thundered over and over, demanding tribute from his captive audience, tribute for defeating their precious Rainmaker.

Yeah, I don’t remember that, either. I haven’t seen THAT cat in a long, LONG time. 

I thought we were witnessing a genuine, real time evolution during that INCREDIBLE promo, like an “Austin 3:16” moment, whatever THAT means, but Jay has been spinning his wheels, due to either booking, injury or maybe personal INTEREST LEVEL for nearly four years, now. Do we blame AEW, or does there come a point where we start casting some askance glances at the Swtichblade himself? Ten to twenty people (twenty may be fanciful on my part) in the unimpressed Vegas crowd TRIED and TRIED to get chants going during this boring snoozefest of a match, but it sounded closer to the lone jerk chanting “Super Dragon” than it did actual interest. “IT’S AMAZING HOW THESE TWO GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER,” the absolutely useless Paul White bellowed on comms, even though Excalibur had already pointed the fact that these two knew each other so well no less than six million times. Jay eventually won this rather unexciting bout with a tepid looking Blade Runner. GIVE THIS MAN SOMETHING TO SINK HIS TEETH INTO BEFORE HE DRIFTS AWAY. Hell, give ME something to sink MY lousy choppers into before I drift away!

El Bueno, El Malo y El Guapo (?) came out to talk but, thank the maker, they were interrupted by Swerve Strickland… and no one cared. SWERVE IS BACK, YOU JACKALS! Bad crowd? Or bad just having Swerve wander out without making a HUGE deal out of it? Answers on a postcard. Any other time, I’d be excited, but I think this is leading to something BAD. Swerve pointed out he had crushed Bandido, he beat Brody King bloody, and well, his history with Hangman Adam Page speaks for itself. Swerve went on to say that Page no longer HAS a legacy, and I’m just waiting for the New Day dorks to show up, teeth gritted. Oh, what, you wanted me to sit here with a unicorn horn strapped to my forehead and a bowl of fake cereal? Perhaps a PANCAKE? The Demand came out next. THIS is what Swerve and Hangman are doing at Wembley? A three way trio-off? Anyway, Ricochet said that Swerve had no friends. GEE, I HOPE THE CROWD CHANTS “WHO” A BUNCH. CAN’T WAIT. They are really just POUNDING US OVER THE HEAD, HERE, that Swerve is a man with no friends. Somehow, the inevitable debut was forestalled for another week. Welcome to WWE 2014. I guess we’ll talk about it when it happens but right now, this feels like a downgrade for both Swerve AND Page. I want these guys battling on top for the fate of the company, not languishing in the trios midcard. Let’s put a pin in this… ALL of this… and come back to it next week or whenever the day breaks.

Chris “Spot Caller”* Jericho allegedly “still had it” in a match against Kevin Knight. Like, why even BOOK this? Knight has feuds running with Kyle Fletcher, Speedball Bailey and Darby Allin, he’s trying to break permanently into the upper echelon and suddenly the Jericho Sargasso** strikes? The only, the ONLY point to do this match at this point is for Jericho to bump like a MANIAC to put this kid over and… I dunno. DON CALLIS had to intervene so Knight could win.*** Don’t worry, Iron Woman Aubrey Edwards (who did a terrific job in the seventy plus minute CMLL Grand Prix last week, so I’m not truly bagging on her) didn’t see NOTHIN’. Put it THIS way; even if I be nice here, I don’t feel like Knight got a lot out of this. Jericho is a veteran, he’s obviously gonna protect himself, so a crazy sprint / squash was never gonna be in the cards, but imagine a seven to ten minute spotfest where Jericho was simply just overwhelmed by offense, maybe taking the young guy too lightly? This is the time to really go all the way with Knight! Le sigh.

ANGRY MEN FILLED THE SCREEN. The Death Riders don’t care who they face. Sums up my evening!

Mercedes Moné bushwhacked Willow Nightingale in a previously taped segment. Unfortunately, they left the crowd audio on, so they caught a clod screaming “SASHA, COME HOME.”

I hate it here. TRULY.

I guess Darby Allin is challenging Kevin Knight to Falls Count Anywhere at Wembley. Allin at All In, amirite? Makes sense; they HAVE been building to it; should be a cool bout. So what was the deal with the match with Jericho, then? Kevin Knight shoulda clobbered Jericho and proclaimed his TNT Champion reign to be the greatest ever, or something equally heel delusional. Instead, he’s barely skating (pun slightly intended) by ol’ man Guy Gerricualt (shoutout to Paul Rudd).

Oh, hey, Kyle Fletcher still exists! Speaking of needing out of the midcard. Kyle Fletcher, Kazuchika Okada and Konosuke Takeshita are officially in a three way (ooh er, missus) at Wembley, much to Kyle’s chagrin. This will be great, obviously, but it sort of feels like three people just being given something to do. Also, we JUST DID Takeshita’s slow split from Callis… and now Kyle is walking that well-trod path.

My wife cut the mother of all promos on the late Baltimora and his song “Tarzan Boy,” but it was for MY ears only. Sorry about that; you don’t have the clearance necessary to have heard it. Jack Perry, the fake knife guy, versus Jon Moxley, a dude who I could see ACTUALLY being into bladed weaponry. Incongruous visuals don’t generally bug me in wrestling, but it was almost impossible to see Jack here as anything but a small, skinny kid compared to the hulking Moxley, who you tend to forget is a BIG dude. Commentary mentioned something or other about Nigel McGuinness (go to the finish). The promo Mrs. Convoy cut on THAT, I’ll let you in on: “Nigel, hurry up and LOSE, so you can get back on COMMS and kick the GARBAGE back to the can it crawled out of.” Sorry, dear; the BIG SLOW needs something MUCH LARGER than a mere can.

Meanwhile, in ring, it was a LAS VEGAS BLOODBATH (IYKYK). I revealed the title of this very column to the person who reads it first to show off my predictive abilities and she cackled, so if nothing else, Dynamite provided me that.

Mox’ mounted strikes are STILL AWFUL. I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I don’t love Jack Perry, but him somehow eking out a win MIGHT have been interesting, more interesting than Mox’ relentless march to Wembley, anyway. Such was not to be. Is it cool AEW STILL can field a first time match between AEW day oners? Absolutely. Was this a great match? It was fine, but nothing more than fine. Your mileage may and probably DOES vary; but I was pretty done with Dynamite by the end of the evening.

Look, obviously no one can hit home runs one hundred percent of the time. I felt like this looked like a weaker card coming off of that incredibly hot Grand Slam Mexico, and, maybe that was a self fulfilling prophecy; I went in with a furrowed brow and maybe I got out what I put in, for better or worse. Regardless of if this was their fault or mine… the bottom line is that I thought this was a pretty middling effort all around. Some wrestling heavy Collision will probably perk me up, but *snaps fingers* we need to kick the final push into Wembley into overdrive.

*NOT A SHOT CALLER

**the Vortex no longer has the pure stopping power it once did. You need the choppy, seaweed laden tentacles of a brine-y Sargasso to TRULY drag you down.

***PLEASE don’t correct me Mr. Strawman Pendent; I realize Don’s interference did not DIRECTLY lead to the finish, but it DID set up the ref bing BLIND AS A BAT