La Zona Muerta

All In is here and man, I dunno. I’m sure it will be good. Mostly. But it just doesn’t feel particularly special.

Again, AGAIN AEW produces this ancillary content about Will Ospreay fpr YouTube and AGAIN, they dump it all on you (and I and everyone) mere days, mere HOURS before AEW All In, the biggest party of the summer! AEW’s signature, tentpole event. And what’s worse; it basically had all the stuff I wanted LAST WEEK, words from his wife, his doctors, his MUM, his wonderful mum, talking about why this is all so important.

Why the hell isn’t this stuff on TV?

Not airing these Ospreay segments on actual AEW TV is tantamount to promotional malpractice. Don’t come at me with the “it’s there if you want to see it” social media stuff. There is a very large, very real contingent of people where, if it doesn’t happen on TV, it doesn’t count, and I’m not sure that I blame them. At a time where Ospreay is struggling to come off as likable, especially with the terminally online people like US… this is the kind of thing that would probably turn that tide. The thing that might build a touch of genuine sympathy. And yet, AEW waited to just unload these little vignettes all a few days out from the big show. I well and truly don’t get it. THIS humble guy, this guy fretting about his career being over before it had a chance to get to the next level… THIS is the Ospreay I like, the theater kid who worked hard to get to this grand stage, not the slightly too laddish one who whines about Wembley being fait accompli and how he’s carrying GOOD OL’ BLIGHTY on his back or whatever. Seeing his mother was lovely. Again, SHOW THAT ON TV. Then Kenny bringing her up HAS MORE RESONANCE! Frankly, they should probably be putting the belt on Mama Ospreay; she had tremendous screen presence, and was so proud of her son.

The final Dynamite before Wembley, of course, emanated from Glasgow, Scotland, and unsurprisingly, Ospreay was a KING OF MEN, there, so I guess ignore everything I just said. A little birdie told me they actually showed the little Ospreay YouTube packages prior to his entrance, and sure, why not? Of course that’s gonna get those folks worked up. But again, he was banging the drum about being a BRITISH wrestler, as if the grind, the work being a British wrestler as opposed to being an American, a Japanese or a CANADIAN wrestler were somehow different. Like, you think Kenny Omega didn’t fucking GRIND on his circuitous path into superstardom? Dude taught himself another fucking language and threw himself into a foreign land with no back stop, no help. Ospreay, of course, is still mad that Kenny brought up his son, and fine, okay. He has British DAD power or whatever. Cool. He bagged on Kenny not being there, which is dumb to lampshade. KENNY IS BAD, NOT BECAUSE HE IS A CRAZY MAN, BUT BECAUSE HE IS OUR CHAMPION IN ABSENTIA. In real life, Kenny was undergoing one more doctor’s checkup but we have to AGAIN point out Kenny isn’t here and Ospreay IS. Maybe it’s some 4D chess scheme to get people to hate big Ken? I don’t know anymore, but whatever the case, this has to be the single most worst AEW heavyweight title reign… EVER. What a disappointment. Ospreay started talking about a debt that needed to be paid and I swear to Gotch above that I have no FUCKING CLUE what that has to do with Omega. IT’S COMING HOME, or whatever. If this was the final word, it was not much of one; I hope they have something else up their sleeve here or this is an INCREDIBLY limp go home segment. (Editor Convoy here; they had nothing else up their sleeve and this was an INCREDIBLY limp go home segment.)

I’m puzzled as to how Jon Moxley versus Claudio Castagnoli was the opening match, not the main event; you’d think the top group imploding would be a bigger deal. What a bum steer this Continental Challenge Cup ended up being; some decent TV wrestling, sure, but no real upsets, no particularly interesting participants. An injured participant in kayfabe and a possibly ACTUALLY injured participant. Really just feels like something thrown together just to keep Moxley “occupied,” as it were. Renee Paquette (possibly one of the most overrated wrestling personalities going today) said something about “not being able to speak to either man today” during their walk outs. I SAW THE GODDAMNED PICTURES OF HER AT BREAKFAST WITH HER OLD MAN. So like, are we supposed to pretend they AREN’T married? Look, I hate WWE, but there was a time there where a simple detail like that? The powers that were in WWE would have FREAKED OUT to make sure the little things like that WORKED, LINED UP and MADE SENSE. In AEW, it’s like you need to pay attention because they do all these great, major callbacks, but then they pay NO attention to basic details. Oh, Hangman Adam Page wore this very same shirt on the day he and Kenny Omega formed a tag team! Cool! But what about this inconsistency or that inconsistency? Sometimes it’s the little things and it’s very, very hard to suspend disbelief when you hear something like that.

Anyway, Mox and Claudio obviously had a good, solid match. Better than solid; it just felt like such a foregone conclusion that there wasn’t much to latch on to. Gee, that feels the build to All In in microcosm. People are flipping out over his pronunciation of “Glasgow,” but if I never hear Tony Schiavone say “SEM UH FINAL” never again, it will be too soon. My wife goes “why couldn’t Claudio have won that match?” I replied “every single other match was super predictable; why would this one be any different?” Perfectly serviceable match, but just nothing to write home about.

Now I’m imagining Mox and Renee communicating solely by carrier pigeon or perhaps the lost art of semaphore.

Oh good, Edge is here. Gee, I hope he doesn’t have any miscommunication with his partners, the Young Bucks! Commentary lauded the success, ALL OVER THE WORLD of one Rocky Romero, but Rocky is about as successful in AEW as he was in Antonio Inoki’s Jungle Fight. As the prophecies foretold, guess who ate the pin? To be fair, Edge did NOT have a communication breakdown with the Bucks (dammit. Hoisted by my own petard), but Christian Cage came out to promo on them, instead. They are very committed to the idea that Edge is a good guy but Christian is still a jerk, which is fine. Christian said that they were so famous for the things they had done that matches and pay per views were named after him and Edge (Does he mean TLC? That, uh… isn’t named after Edge or Christian) but Matt Jackson pointed out that they named a COMPANY after the Elite (that was a pretty good line, to be fair). I can’t say any of this made me want to see the match, but really, nothing was gonna get me over that hump. The tag team scene in AEW right now is DEAD, and it SUCKS.

Hey, YET ANOTHER Mercedes Moné bushwhacks Willow Nightingale segment! Man, the originality. I’m not saying I want Vince Russo incoherency and surprises for the sake of surprises but why are we doing the most repetitive, basic stuff, here? AEW has a tendency to really peak these angles way too early before the go home shows.

Big Don Callis is back from Greece Croatia, and Mark Davis is ready for the Casino Whatnot. Hope it’s better than last year’s, which was genuinely one of the biggest clunkers on AEW PPV all year long.

LOL Maxwell Jacob Friedman can’t tell the difference between Ireland and Scotland because heel. Then, a wee dram (ho ho) of casual misogyny because bad guy says bad thing, but FRIEND TO ALL WOMEN EVERYWHERE, Andrade Il Idolo, whose literal gimmick is that of a flighty playboy is here to… defend the honor of Scottish women? I dunno. They are clearly building to a singles match, but instead this is apparently going to play out in the Casino Whatnot. Hope it’s better than last year’s, which was genuinely one of the biggest clunkers on AEW PPV all year long.

Chris Jericho, with the bronzed hues of RICH, CORINTHIAN LEATHER, said something about being in the Casino Whatnot. Hope it’s better than last year’s, which was genuinely one of the biggest clunkers on AEW PPV all year long.

Kyle O’Reilly and Nigel McGuinness squared off. Nigel, a fine man, had his old ROH “No Bumps Required” t-shirt, which made an old BARRICADE SLAPPER like me smile. For some reason, Renee “I don’t speak to my husband regularly” Paquette stopped Nigel to sorta yell at him? Maybe I’m having a stroke; this very predictable show suddenly makes no sense. Perhaps Renee and Mox colluded during that phantom breakfast that definitely didn’t happen. C’MON, GRAPPLE, BOYS, BEFORE MY BRAINS OOZE OUT. I don’t believe these two ever crossed paths in original Ring of Honor; just a little bit out of time synch with each other. Obviously Nigel ended up getting the win, but it was a fun enough match. KOR had the misfortune of, uh… being born Canadian and not British, I suppose. BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN. Crowd didn’t seem super into it and KOR looked like his eye got clipped. Let’s, uh… NOT do a crappier version of the Continental Classic next year, huh? You’d think the fun of a blind draw tournament would be crazy matchups you wouldn’t typically see and upsets but we got NONE of that. If they do this again next year, it definitely needs some tweaks. As for Nigel winning… that’s fine by me (I know it chafes some that an old, mostly retired announcer is getting a PPV slot). I think my issue is more… imagine how cool this could have been if the Death Riders had been doing dastardly stuff to young talent on Collision all year, especially young guys currently in Ring of Honor, and Nigel as permanent ROH Pure Champion Emeritus finally stood up and said “knock it off or you’ll have a problem with me.” They could have got some fun stuff out of that and had a really heated match. Now it’s just “I’m gonna win this special cup that didn’t exist a month ago.”

Kyle Fletcher is willing to run Don Callis’ playbook. Will Kazuchika Okada? Answers on a postcard.

Next was the traditional “put all the women who have issues in a match together” match. Maybe Mercedes and Willow could have brawled through the middle of it, just to really drive the point home? Lena Kross kicked Maya World with what appeared to be a SHOOTWAY kick, right to the goldurn face, so there was that. My Maya World agenda is over, my Persephone agenda begins NOW. She’s kinda great and with more seasoning, more matches under her belt with people better than her, she could wind up being ACTUALLY great.

I guess “tragedy” befell Darby Allin last week? I mean… It wasn’t obvious that the architect of his misfortune was Kevin Knight? And what happened to Knight promising to kill HIJO DEL STING? Like, is that gonna be a Collison thing? If Darby comes out at Wembley as the PHANTOM OF THE SKATEBOARD, I DEMAND royalties.

Ah, Swerve Strickland versus Jack Perry is the main. I can’t be too upset with that; anything to reestablish Swerve as being the MAN in AEW, please. A grim reminder that they had NOTHING for this guy at All In except teaming up with a tired WWE act from over a decade ago.

“And here I thought the EIGHTIES wore out Balitimora.” – E. Convoy

Maybe Jack and Swerve can be BRAID BROTHERS. Huh? Huh? They had a pretty good match but again; I know one of these dudes is doing nothing in that potentially stinky gauntlet on Sunday, and the other is gonna wind up playing second fiddle to the guys WWE wouldn’t keep paying for. Daybreak? Give me a break.

Then after the match, they gave each other dap.

What?

Then the rather lackluster evening ended with AEW showing better build to better matches as they played an alternate package running down Kenny and Ospreay’s history. A bit counter productive, that.

Look, I get that they aren’t going to want everyone on the main show killing themselves prior to the big tentpole show. I get it. I ALSO get that they only go to Glasgow once or twice a year, and the fine people there should get AEW’s best foot forward, not a tentative one that’s afraid to fully step on the scale.

There’s SO MUCH wrestling to look forward to this weekend; two (!!) shots of Mystery Wrestling (too bad John Morrison is currently their champion, which makes me not want to watch their main events). CMLL (they aren’t really false advertising Eddie Kingston for Friday, are they? Shitty, if so). Rev Pro (if I can convince the missus that THIS TIME their production issues won’t make the promotion shit the bed YET AGAIN, but why ruin a track record of potato video and audio quality stretching back years). Heck, even Collision. But All In… right now All In just feels like another show with a lot of predictable outcomes. I’m sure the show will be good, maybe even great, but it just feels like so much of it, so many of the debuts, the finishes… we know exactly what’s going to happen. AEW needs a shake up come the fall.

All In; It’s comin’ ‘ome, it bleedin’ well is, guv’nor. But when it GETS home, will anyone want it?