La Zona Muerta

What deadly dose of poison do I quaff before Dynamite starts; dirt awful discourse about the ratings Big Dave Meltzer is going to give the top matches at All In, SUPER dirt awful discourse about how no matches have been announced for Dynamite as of 2pm PST, or the SUPER, MEGA TOXIC discourse about how *checks notes* Will Ospreay kicking out of the One Winged Angel is somehow BISEXUAL ERASURE (!!!) and how every queer person from hell to breakfast should be AFFRONTED by this egregious action?

It’s wrestling, you guys. IT’S JUST WRESTLING.

I’ll omit the name; the person who brought up wanting to know what was happening on Dynamite in my view was in no way being obnoxious or entitled as some fans seem to get on those post pay per view Dynamites, but I will show you what I asked them:

“You’re gonna watch regardless of who is announced, arent’cha?
I mean, I get it, if they announced it was just Edge for two hours or something, I’d probably tune out but there’s always this ‘why don’t they announce something’ thing amongst the folks who are gonna watch it no matter what.”

I get it to a degree, you want to GET HYPED and so forth, and sure, maybe there are times where you have other shit going on when Dyna is on and you need to prioritize. I understand all that. What I don’t understand is the people like ME who are going to watch until the wheels fall off who are grousing. You know the score after a pay per view, homies, they have to round up who’s willing and who’s able after the big shows. Often times, folks are banged up and so on. So cut AEW a TINY bit of slack, would’ja?

I’m not even going to TRY to touch the OWA discourse, because frankly, very little of it is in good faith. If it bugs YOU that Will Ospreay kicked out of it, that’s a VALID feeling to have; rock on. I’m certainly not gonna try to talk you out of that. If you are out there telling people that kicking out of a wrestling hold, A WRESTLING HOLD is an example of bi-erasure or homophobia, I truly hope you never have to experience ACTUAL homophobia, and you should be absolutely ASHAMED of yourself.

As for Big Dave, and his BIG star ratings, the man himself has told us over and over and over that his star ratings are THE LEAST IMPORTANT THINGS HE DOES. The people who talk about his ratings all day are the ones that WANT to be worked up by them. Become a pundit I respect and trust, KNOW BALL, and then, I dunno, make your OWN fucking rating system. STAR RATINGS DISCOURSE PUSHERS SHOULD HAVE BAMBOO SHOVED UNDER THEIR NAILS. If you don’t care for Dave and his ratings, QUIT TALKING ABOUT THEM.

All right. ALL IN VIDEO PACKAGE PUNISHING THOSE OF US WHO BOUGHT THE SHOW. Thanks, B. Alvarez.

OSPREAY IS HERE, AND HE’S IN EFFECT. I hope this is good, non dumb lad Ospreay. I don’t want to hear about him shtupping the missus or about ENGLAND anymore. I want to hear about why Will Ospreay is the best goddamned wrestler there is. From here on in, this guy needs to be all gas, no brakes. He NEEDS to be the fucking MAN, to cash in on that walk out showing his friends and foes. It’s HIS, now, time to OWN IT.

Ospreay apologized for looking “a bit rough.” But enough about his hair, amirite. “Hurp, durp, I drank a lot.” Loverly. He thanked those who were onboard the Ospreay train from the beginning and those who joined since he came to AEW. He thanked Kenny Omega, as well, for pushing him to the limit. He still wants a rubber match down the road, saying it’s two and two (is that true?). Ospreay did a little strut and talked up the former AEW Mens’ World Champions, putting them over as his heroes but saying he’s joined their ranks. “My idols are now my rivals.” Ospreay has found his confidence: “I’m the STANDARD, now!” Anyone that wants the belt will have to walk through the fire, and he’ll see them at the end of the line. Shoutout to the United Empire (crowns up)… we are apparently getting United Empires East (the New Japan version) and West (Ospreay’s own AEW version). I don’t like the sound of that. Ricochet doesn’t like the sound of that, either. Ricochet doesn’t want to be misunderstood (please lord, don’t let him). Ricochet KNOWS Will Ospreay and Ospreay KNOWS Ricochet. “You wouldn’t be here without me, Will.” Ricochet is angling for a title shot, but Gabe Kidd interrupts the interruption. He’s mad that Ospreay was able to become the first British whatnot before him and apparently wants to “take his life.” All righty, then. United Empire East is still here watching Will’s back, so Gabe Kidd’s posturing fizzled a tad. I guess it’s some conglomeration (not THAT conglomeration) of Ricochet / the Demand and the Dogs versus UE in the main event.

I mean… some of that was pretty good… some of it was VERY drawn out. When Ospreay is being genuine and emotional, I like him. When he’s like “I drink a lot, lol,” it’s go away heat. Ricochet was fun, Gabe Kidd, unsurprisingly, was a drag. An AEW United Empire? I dunno. They were never a particularly interesting faction and an Ospreay UE versus a Callum Newman UE in either AEW or NJPW sounds deadly dull.

Swerve Strickland and the (sigh) New Level are here to face the Rascalz. Why the sigh? Austin Creed had to remind us IMMEDIATELY that the New Level is “from another universe.” Get bennnnnnnnnt. This is the shit I don’t want, the constant reminder that these dudes are from WWE. Are you AEW or not? Did’ja know they were nine time WWE tag team champs? You do now, and you didn’t even have to turn on Netflix or the USA Network.

Myron Reed and Swerve sharing the ring for a bit was a treat. Can we just get them to have a singles match? Tony Schiavone was apparently a BIG Austin Creed fan prior to his joining AEW. Yeah, I’m sure his eyes were just glued to Spike TV in the Lethal Consequences days. This may be the first time I have ever pulled for the Rascalz. At least they aren’t SMASHING us over the head with the weed stuff anymore. Weed guys are ANNOYING, possibly the most annoying. Rascalz actually cleared the ring and took control, but Kofi (no longer Kingston, thank goodness) hit some kind of wacky trust fall maneuver from the ring post to the outside which, uh… obviously wrestling is fake but if it weren’t, why would you wait for someone to hit that? Just walk away, Samoa Joe style. KOFI LEAPT BACKWARD; HE COULDN’T SEE. Boom Drop from Kofi on Reed. Clearly, the Rascalz have slightly better tag team continuity as a unit than Swerve and the New Level. Desmond Xavier dropped Swerve on his head with a tijaras. Rascalz used teamwork to overcome Swerve, and it was SUPER EFFECTIVE, but Kofi managed to break the pin attempt up. I will say this, Kofi clearly realizes he has to bring it, here; he’s working hard, unlike some of the other WWE expatriates in the past. Creed is still Creed, adequate if unspectacular. More topes aren’t better topes, dude. We play the “if I could ban one move” game a LOT in Casa de Convoy, and the tope might well get my vote next time the subject comes up. The Rascalz are getting a LOT, here, I must say. Dez told Kofi he “never shoulda came,” and nailed him with a Kappo kick type maneuver but Swerve hit a mid air Rider Kick / House Call on Dez and then another more standard one for the win. This was actually a pretty fun match, if you could get past them hitting you over the head with the WWE stuff. Swerve did not play second fiddle (this time) to anyone, which I was definitely concerned about, and the Rascalz got to look real good as a unit.

Looks like the Young Bucks have one more mountain to climb; they faced off with New Level on the ramp as it was TO THE BACK time for commercial. When we came back, the Bucks looked forlorn in the ring. Matt Jackson pointed out he couldn’t complain about being screwed by Cage and Copeland, since the Bucks have done worse… but they want to hear from Cage and Cope directly that they were satisfied with the outcome at All In. Instead, we got FTR (with Stokely Hathaway, thank goodness). They have their old Mechanics shirts, I guess? That was a LONG time ago. Stokely laid out the Bucks’ pattern of failure against Edge and Christian. Dax Harwood knows that it’s hard for the people of Texas to keep up, which, well… prove them wrong, I guess, Texans. FTR point out that they have beaten the Bucks AND Edge and Cage. Mick Jackson pointed out that at least the Bucks never said “I quit.” Just as FTR and the Bucks were squaring up (with hair up), Christian (and Edge) came out to stir the pot. Christian said they’ve beat BOTH FTR and the Bucks, despite being old. Something something, fifty percent pay cut.* CAN WE PLEASE STOP REFERRING TO WWE (challenge: impossible). Oh good. A little challenge for you, big man: Tables, uh huh, Ladders, yes, AND Chairs at All Out. CHRIST JESUS DID I TURN ON NETFLIX BY ACCIDENT. IT’S THE ROAD TO WRESTLEMANIA, MAGGLE.

Will Ospreay has problems with Callum Newman. I know, dog. I know. Ospreay says there ARE no problems with Newman OR United Empire because he says so. Okay. Is that how conflict resolution works in real life? Because if so, I’d like to try that. Oh yeah, Andrade is in UE, isn’t he. Great. I guess we’re lucky it wasn’t Jake Lee.

Darby Allin got bushwhacked on his way to the ring by Mark Davis. LET’S GO. Davis is KILLING Darby, just hurling him around EVERYWHERE, and the match hasn’t even started yet! Coffin Drop! Whack with a skateboard. Davis retaliated with an elbow. Get this match in the dang ring! Uh oh, I think the boys broke the audio cable again. “Always bring an extra mixer cable!” TM SRARS. These two RULE together, best big man / little man matches you’re gonna get. Don Callis has been SILENCED on commentary; complete and utter blasphemy. Dynamite came back from commercial with a crushing sliding lariat from Davis. Don is going to make a FORMAL COMPLAINT against Aubrey Edwards. Can we see that as a backstage skit, please? More announcer audio death. Darby with a missile dropkick to the outside. This RULES. Suddenly Darby won outta nowhere with two Coffin Drops. Didn’t love that finish, especially in contrast to how fun the match was. The Don Callis Family came out to gang stomp Darby, but HIJO DEL STING made the save. Hey, Josh Alexander is back! DCF 4 LIFE. Josh looks like he’s had the Don Callis makeover, if you catch my drift.

Maxwell Jacob Friedman is finally (?) having his long fabled crash out, I guess? I mean, we’ve teased this before, more than once. MJF says we’re mad that he’s better than all our old favorites (he isn’t). Then he started screaming. Cool. I’m sure some, even many will herald this as good, but to me, it was just the same old song. Supplemental note; I had to get up and take a BIG swig of chocolate mint flavored Mylanta during this promo. Coincidence? Well, yeah, probably but my body deciding that this was the time to attack with OVERWHELMING AMOUNTS OF ACID did make me chuckle (ruefully, of course).

Megan Bayne and Alex Windsor beat the hell out of each other, if that’s your kinda thing. Bayne had to cheat to win, so THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. Jamie Hayter was pretty ineffectual here in protecting her fallen partner.

We have to hear from Chris Jericho for some reason. I mean, I don’t have to, to be fair. Nick Wayne is the next to be sucked into the Jericho Sargasso (TM). Young Wayne left Jericho laying, which at least I could mildly appreciate.

Mercedes Moné time. She hasn’t stopped smiling since All In. How many times can she mention WWE? Well, that’s one, at least, I won’t count “bet on myself” as two. Remember the main WWE Diva axiom, the women can be only either manipulative or catty, and Moné was BOTH here, so I guess that’s a type of “evolution.” PLEASE THEKLA, PLEASE RELEASE ME FROM THIS NIGHTMARE OF SCRIPTING. Whatever Moné wants doesn’t, uh… exist yet? Okay. THANK MIGHTY GOTCH ABOVE, IT’S DRUNKEN THEKLA. Thekla is like one hundred times the promo Moné is. Maybe more. She might be a better promo than most anyone in the company, come to think of it. Thekla cackles that Mercedes humiliated Willow Nightingale, which made me AND Mercedes both chuckle, but no one SWINGS IT BETWIXT THEIR LEGS BIGGER THAN THEKLA. Thekla is here to take “dumb bitches” back. THAT’S MY GAL. Mercedes may be the CEO, but Thekla doesn’t work for her, daddy. The difference between a woman who has to use a script to cut a promo, and, well, Thekla.

Hey, Britt Baker, DMD! Persephone doesn’t NEED a mouthpiece, but she could do a lot worse than the DENTIST.

Whoa, impromptu Jon Moxley versus AR Fox match? I guess the overrun is back. EVIL TONY KHAN STRIKES AGAIN, HOLDING WBD HOSTAGE. They are positioning this sort of as Fox looking to get into the Continental Classic, I guess the idea being a good showing against the Continental Champion would speak well to being in contention. Oh, it’s whatever they call their version of Proving Ground matches. An Eliminator? YOU know what I mean. AR Fox is another guy where if only AEW had come around just that tiny bit sooner, he’d be a much bigger deal. Dude is so smooth in ring. Tony put over the efforts of Nigel McGuinness. Mox suckered Fox into a flippy do and hit the King Kong lariat. Four fifty (again) for a near fall. Death Rider for the one, two, three. Not a squash by any means (Fox got a lot, here) but obviously the outcome was never in doubt. Did Fox kick out at 3.1? Heh.

Say what you will about AEW and treating it as a social crusade (which will only lead you to disappointment, as I have noted a number of times), but it’s indisputable; if you want to see Black excellence in wrestling, AEW is where it’s at.

Don Callis has an idea to create COHESION within his bickering family; Kyle Fletcher and Kevin Knight will be forced to have the opportunity to tag on Collision.

Okay, main event time; United Empire (not typing all the names, go use Google, you jackals) versus the Demand, Gabe Kidd and Clark Connors.

Oh god, the crab walk scuttle. We’re wasting the overrun on this?

Excalibur explains that the Dogs have had a lot of problems with the United Empire. Don’t fucking remind me. That “cage match” between the War Dogs and the United Empire may still be continuing somewhere out in the multiverse as the War Dogs struggle to pry up the ring boards endlessly forever. Hey, that was the match that cost us Alex Coughlin, wasn’t it?

Ricochet immediately tagged out as opposed to facing Ospreay. Chuckle. HENARE faced down Toa Leona. Big boys doing big boy stuff. Action broke down pretty quickly into a slugfest in and out of the ring. I was BEGGING Bishop Kuan to TAKE CARE of Newman for me, permanent-like. Bless HENARE’s heart, he seems to actually be getting over in AEW. Maybe he should just stick around? I’d probably accept United Empire West much easier if he and Franchesco Akira just stuck around. Hey, is Ospreay friends with El Phantasmo? Hmmm. The Gates of Agony double teamed HENARE and they kinda low key rule, now. Next was wee little Akira versus the Gates. Love that guy. Schiavone was SCREAMING with delight about Akira being fearless (flat out forgetting his name and calling him “Fearless” later. “HERE COMES FEARLESS!”). FINALLY, we got Ospreay and Ricochet. DON’T REPEAT THE VIRAL SUPERHERO POSE THING, I BEG. Ospreay was VERY over in Texas, which I would take as a VERY good sign. Clark Connors tagged in to deliver a spear and power slam to Newman, but Andrade leveled him with an elbow, setting up Ospreay to hit the Hidden Blade. Very fun match, and the feud between the Dogs / Demand and Empire will continue. Ugh, too much Gabe Kidd. TOO MUCH NOODLE. What an unpleasant character that guy plays. Yes, yes, I’m being worked. Fine. I think Excalibur died or something because Schiavone had to take over commentary. A TRUE PRO. The unpleasant Kidd was going to kill a prone Ospreay with a chair but then the Death Riders appeared… and Moxley put the kibosh on Kidd finishing the job. Hmmm. Andrade and Kidd brawled into the stands, leaving Moxley and Ospreay together… and as they stared into each other’s eyes… it’s Moxley versus Ospreay at All Out. They’re pulling the trigger on that already? Huh. Were they legitimately surprised? Sounds like it’s the full court press to cement Ospreay’s GUY-ness.

So, in theory, Ospreay has a lot of problems, which is what life at the top SHOULD lead to. Mox. Andrade with his little cash in thing (remember, he has to give a week’s notice). Crash out version MJF. Callum Newman. MMMMAYBE Kenny, which they teased at the beginning. I like that.

Boy, there was a LOT of chit chat on this Dynamite, a LOT to keep up with. On the other hand, there was a lot of really good in ring action, too. For an episode that seemed to be pulled together fairly last minute (and probably was), they established a LOT of directions for a lot of wrestlers. Not exactly the full creative reset I was hoping for (Bucks and Edge / Christian MUST continue, Birds / Dominion MUST continue, we are IMMEDIATELY throwing Ospreay back into DR stuff), but I respect it for the most part. Cool it with the WWE slop, though, please. I DON’T WATCH WWE FOR A REASON, QUIT MENTIONING IT CONSTANTLY.

Profiles in hair courage:

*And that line makes NO sense, anyway; no one in ring took a pay cut, is in DANGER of taking the pay cut, etc. You’re just mentioning it to make the crowd go “OOOOOOOH” becue WWE is MORE TOPICAL than AEW