La Zona Muerta

I blame YOU.

Well, maybe not YOU in the specific, but certainly you in the abstract. Definitely that guy over there, and maybe her, too.

Maybe… I dunno, a week or so ago, for some reason, someone dredged up that weird deal from a couple years back where Ricky Starks was sharing a ring with Bryan Danielson, Edge and, possibly someone else? Christian? I forget. Anyway, Starks is cutting a promo on Bryan Danielson and Edge, if I recall correctly, interjects. Starks says something about Edge needing to keep his “big, googly eyes” quiet or words to that effect and tries to get back to his promo. Edge is clearly pissed and big leagues Starks, calling him a Rock ripoff and a “vanilla midget.” Asshole. Starks sputters a very minor comeback about being “on Edge.” Edge mutters “aw, dude” and both guys, shaken, sort of come off pretty badly. Starks mostly gets back to whatever his promo was supposed to be about and the bizarre scene ends.

This whole situation made me APOPLECTIC at the time and the only reason it didn’t piss off more people is because Starks was already largely on the outs with both AEW fans and AEW itself. Edge was a big leaguing piece of shit going into business for himself, and Starks, allegedly the MICROPHONE MASTA, came under live fire and didn’t exactly acquit himself well. It was a black hat program; no heroes. Edge should have been yelled at but wasn’t because he’s a BIG STAR. Starks eventually left the company. The end.

Except some people a week ago decided Edge moaning “aw, dude” at Starks was funny (wow, only took, what two? Three? years to get there) and subjected the internet at large to a bunch of lame, forced memes about it until it got someone’s attention.

I couldn’t hate this more if you PAID me to

And now, in a JERICHONIAN EFFORT* to create a new “yeet” for Edge, Shop AEW is selling the monstrosity above.

God, I hate wrestling sometimes. WE ARE COMMEMORATING A PROMO FROM OVER TWO YEARS AGO WHERE ONE GUY UNPROFESSIONALLY SHOT ON ANOTHER GUY AND WAS RATTLED ENOUGH TO MUTTER AND SPUTTER ABOUT IT LIKE A CRANKY CHILD. Guy number two doesn’t even WORK THERE ANY LONGER. What kinda gotten to horseshit IS this?

This joke only really works if you pretend Edge is somehow sad or embarrassed to try to make this a thing. HE ISN’T

Good Gotch in the morning. The best way to enjoy a meme in wrestling, as always, is to embrace it and then run it into the fucking ground. Join me, won’t you, on this donkey ride to hell.**

Oh, and look what’s kicking off the show! Christian, Edge, Darby Allin and new object of lust AEW darling Steven Borden versus FTR, Kevin Knight and Kyle Fletcher.

The missus asked me what they could possibly call Steve Borden, because that doesn’t exactly SING as a name. We’ve all joked about calling him “Hijo del Sting,” but sadly, this isn’t Mexico and they can’t get away with that. Can’t call him STANG. Can’t call him STUNG. Can’t call him, I dunno, Gordon (IYKYK). Sting Junior? STING II?

Okay, yes, his Pony Boy from the Outsiders (no, not THOSE Outsiders, the OTHER Outsiders. Read a book) look is hot or whatever. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. We’ve seen him do like a dropkick and nothing else. CALM DOWN.

Christian and Darby teased dissension. I guess I didn’t remember this? Oh well, I suppose I am a FAKE FAN.

Just as I was about to expound upon Borden being a bit too green to judge one way or another, we got a WE ARE NOT YOUR KIND eight man stand off. Fantastic.

Obviously, I’m sure everyone in the locker room likes and respects Sting, so they are gonna try hard to make Sting Jr. look good, they are gonna give him every opportunity to be a success but people are already expecting a bit too much outta the guy (I almost said kid). “STRAP HIM UP! STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT!” Yes, if this were the territories, being Sting’s kid, being handsome and having a good dropkick would mean he probably gets the Greg Gagne push (there’s an idea; give him the famous Gagne sleeper hold. Actually, scratch that, give him the Dragon sleeper into the Scorpion Death Drop), but this is not the moribund AWA in 1983, desperate for a strong babyface. This is AEW in 2026, and I’m sorry, but you have to be able to pull your weight in ring. He has the look. He seems athletic (I don’t really know his background other than he has been training in secret with Darby and FTR and probably some of the others). Helluva vertical leap. We have to COOL IT on anything else. Give this guy a chance to breathe before you decide he’s the second coming, please! I don’t want this cat to flame out and be HOOK II, someone else who everyone tripped over themselves to be the first to say how handsome and athletic he was, etc. but ultimately either never got the reps to improve or wasn’t interested in putting in the work to get there.

End sequence of the match was cool; Christian laying out the FTR guy with the hair on the floor with the Killswitch, Edge spearing Kevin Knight and Darby / Hijo del Sting doing their Coffin Drop / Death Drop combo on the follicly challenged FTR. I guess this is all gonna lead to Darby / Steve versus Knight and Fletcher at the PPV, and I don’t like that idea as three of those four people really shouldn’t be losing right now and the fourth guy is a champion. Why aren’t we doing the standard TNT title defenses instead of this bizarre tag team side quest?

We had a Jon Moxley promo on Will Ospreay which was pretty much what you would suspect. Gabe Kidd remains an incredibly uncompelling TV character.

Boy, I can’t wait for young Nick Wayne to get killed by Chris Jericho. MAYBE THEY CAN MAKE A SHIRT OUT OF THE PUKA SHELL NECKLACE THING OR BETTER YET, SELL THE NECKLACES ON AEW SHOP DOT COM. The crowd didn’t even go MILD for Wayne; they went SILENT, always a great sign.

Jericho’s hair was looking very fresh. Right off the wig loom, methinks. Mrs. Convoy said “Jericho is gonna rip that necklace off. It’s like the stupid friendship bracelet thing and it will never end.” I likened it to PCO stealing Bet Hart’s jacket, if you’re a fan of dated references. A FEUD FOR THE AGES, THAT. HBO MAX started to sputter, since this angle is SO HOT, so if I missed a SUBTLE NUANCE here, please forgive me. Nick “hit” a senton atomico that really was Nick “hitting” the ring apron, which looked like it sucked, big time. I bag on Jericho a lot, obviously, but it’s not like the guy still isn’t tough and he wasn’t trying, here; I’m just unsure how any of this puts anyone over. Just as I wrote that, Jericho hit some of the worst corner punches I’ve ever seen. Taz was trying to put Wayne over, at least. Oh look, my wife was right; a PUKA SHELL DISTRACTION FINISH. Fuck me rigid. Wait, NICK is the heel in this?! He was the WRONGED PARTY! Nick “got his heat back,” if you could call it that after the match, so clearly THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. Apparently young = bad. I mean, guess it’s not like I disagree. On principle.

I guess Mercedes Moné can’t wrestle at All Out and has to wait until WrestleDream, which is in less than a month (god, I hate how close these shows end up being). Thekla said it best; “am I the last real bitch left alive?” I mean, I dunno. Probably. It’s Willow Nightingale versus Thekla, instead, and the winner moves on to face Mercedes. Cool cool.

Francesco Akira SPOKE ITALIAN to his recalcitrant teammates, Will Ospreay and Andrade Il Idolo in the United Empire. Francesco Akira’s waitin’, talkin’ Italian. You know, I love Akira, and I generally like Ospreay but I really have a hard time caring about United Empire versus the Death Riders. Is THIS going to be what the quietly announced Blood and Guts is gonna be in November? WHY do they announce the match before the teams who will be in it have been built into a frenzy? An aspect of promotion I 100% CAN NOT STAND.

For some reason it was suddenly the Conglomeration versus Hangman Adam Page, Brody King, Bandido and their awful walk out music. The vibes are totally wrong; they need ASS KICKING music, not some dirge-y droning thing. The Conglomos are the only team that, for me, are LESS than the sum of their parts. Split them up, at least as an official unit, I beg.

Nothing wrong with the match, certainly; those are six very good wrestlers, but it just didn’t really do anything for me. The Conglomos, uh… ran a train, as the kids (probably don’t) say on Bandido to no avail. This match just makes me want to see any of these dudes compete as singles. Orange Cassidy “rode” Adam Page (save a horse, ride a cowboy, knowhumsayin’)… and vice versa. Much slash fic was born. Roderick Strong got fed up with OC’s antics (y’know, I can’t really disagree) but in so doing, ate the Buckshot lariat AND the pin, so more TRIOS TENSION to come. Joy.

Man, they are really booking JUST FOR ME tonight as TOMASSO CIAMPA is coming to the ring. Dude, I could be watching CMLL right now! I just got a vintage Takara Jushin “Thunder” Liger toy in the mail, and I AIN’T talking about the wrestler! GIVE ME SOMETHING TO CHEW ON BEFORE MY ATTENTION DRIFTS ANY FURTHER. The jobber was entertaining, at least. It was brief, I’ll give them that.

Here’s Swerve Strickland. PLEASE COMMIT SOME CRIMES. SOMETHING, ANYTHING. The New Whatnot came out as well but they were all WAYLAID by the Demand. Okay, I’m into it.

“And the New Level just got put down to a… BAD level.” – Taz

Now I’m NOT into it. Thanks, Taz.

Jungle Jack Perry called out Samoa Joe for some reason. Rotsa ruck, dude. I turned to Mrs. Convoy to make sure I heard correctly. She said I did. Huh.

Hey, Lena Kross and Jamie Hayter! This might be a big ol’ bag of taters. There WERE a couple of pretty rough bumps but the match felt a bit over long, a bit labored. Probably not their fault; I haven’t really been feeling ANY of this tonight. Here comes Megan Bayne to interfere. OH, IT’S A LEAD PIPE CINCH as Bayne sneaks in the INTERNATIONAL OBJECT. Great.

“Tomasso Ciampa is a bitch.” – Kazuchika Okada

May all the gods in all the pantheons bathe Kazuchika Okada, a beautiful man who has never done anything wrong, in their light. Bless your favorite son in his battles against that walking hobo man Ciampa.

The Brawling Birds teased sticking things into the Divine Dominion’s bottoms.

Huh.

That seems like an altogether different type of pay per view than the ones AEW typically produces. Prolly shouldn’t tease sodomy or there will be disappointed people when they don’t get it.

Mox, PAC and… sigh… Gabe Kidd made their way out for the main event. Kidd may have been making love to the barricade, I’m not sure. Defintely SOME form of booty scooty. What is it tonight? Too much “love” in the air, one supposes. Will the Empire be united? Answers on a postcard.

“Is the woman with her tits out the Andrade plant?” asked the wife. No sooner asked than answered. You know it’s a good match when that’s the main question. Nice Moxley spot call as AEW went to commercial. Despite my surliness and lack of enjoyment tonight, Akira is MADE for American TV wrestling. Love that guy. Can we get him and PAC or him and Darby in a singles, please? Akira flew too close to the sun ON WINGS OF ANTIPASTO and got in TOO MUCH OFFENSE which meant he was going to get murdered mid ring, of course. Such is life. DON’T PILLMANIZE MY LITTLE AKIRA. DON’T COMMIT TWINKICIDE. Ospreay gave ELBOWS TO ALL to end the show.

I dunno if it was my mood or what, but I didn’t really vibe with the proceedings. Too many elements I don’t care for sprinkled throughout. I was already, well… on edge about the Edge thing. The Jericho necklace deal is lame. Conglomos match felt a bit limp. Ciampa feuding with OKADA? Get REAL. Gabe Kidd’s energy is the WRONG kind of energy for the Riders. Let PAC or even Mox be the madman.

I think my blood sugar is too low. Perhaps Little Debbie and her litany of artificially flavored fake pumpkin sugar treats can help buoy my spirits. Oh man, I need TV when all I got is T. Rex.

*Remember when Jericho was copyrighting EVERYTHING that came out of his bloated face just in case it became the next “L’il bit o’ the bubbly?” Pepperidge Farm remembers

**Something my sainted grandmother once said about flying on United Airlines, that she’d rather “take a donkey ride to hell” than EVER fly United again