Jesus, it’s time for the next pay per view already? These three week windows SUCK; just no time at all to breathe. I guess it helps the Dynamite TV booking a touch; no chance to overdrive the various angles into the ground, but on the other hand, I feel like there are only a few codified matches for the show (Will Ospreay / Jon Moxley, NOT TLC with the Young Bucks / Edge and Christian / FTR, Willow Nightingale / Thekla, some trios thing, Darby Allin and Sting Jr. / Kyle Fletcher and Kevin Knight and the Brawling Birds / Divine Dominion) and out of those, maybe only one match I genuinely care about. The main event is PROBABLY worth the price of admission… but… yeah, I dunno. Not super psyched. Let’s see if the next three (!) hours can sway me towards the positive column.
The Demand cut their typical shouty promo. Okay. There’s been some improvement on this front for all these cats, but no one had anything in particular to say, here.
Prince Nana is speaking and oh man, it’s ANTICS with the New Level and Swerve Strickland. No, we watch the product, honest! LOL, the New Level are good guys and Swerve is a bad guy! Hahahaha! Ha. Cough.
First match is Swerve and the other guys versus the Demand. I’ve been ASSURED this is not the case by people who certainly know better than I, but it REALLY feels like Swerve is doing this trios shit as to keep him busy, to give him something to do while he’s not in the title picture. Toa Leona did shoulder check Austin Creed into THE SHADOW REALM, so there’s that, at least. TAZ may not have been, y’know, PERSONALLY thrilled about that but hey, you make an omelette, you gotta break a few (orange) eggs. Swerve hit some kinda sick one legged version of his stomp to Bishop Kaun stuck on the edge of the apron, which was cool. Couple of sloppy / botch-y slots in the match, but it’s six men, sweaty and fierce and ultimately, you’re gonna get some rat feces in there*.
Look; the New Level guys are working hard. You can’t say they’re goldbricking or coasting. I’m sure some people are really into this and they’re probably reading this with a sour look on their face. I just find them and the vibe with Swerve completely and utterly charmless. But hey, New Le Vel, New Le Vel, amirite. God, but the Hangman Adam Page / Bandido / Brody King theme SUCKS. Page was a SNITCH and told the New Level that Swerve wasn’t what he seemed, which Austin Creed took exception to for some reason. Swerve finally got pissed off and pointed out that Page is a, no good, uh… trios abandoner? I dunno. I get Swerve is playing into some tropes some AEW fans really dig, this jilted ex stuff, but this is leaving me cold, when Swerve / Page should be a perennial feud AEW can return to any time they need it. If you like it, cool. It’s just not landing for me.
Will Speedball Mike Bailey join the United Empire USA? I guess the answer is yes. Does he come in green? Hahahaha. Roll on snare drum. DON’T SWEAR, WEE LITTLE FRANCESCO AKIRA. Will doesn’t want to pay the fines, LOL.
With comedy like this, who needs enemies? The energy of the show feels off tonight.
Gotch bless Thekla. INSIDE EVERYONE, THERE ARE TWO BITCHES. Much like Wu-Tang, Thekla indeed is for the CHILDREN. I know I constantly rag on everyone using the word “bitch,” and it DOES suck, but Thekla has license to say it until the end of time, as far as I’m concerned.
Jon Moxley beat up Dezmond Xavier. ‘Twas fine, he gave Dez more than he was required to and Dez gave a good accounting of himself. Can we get to the next story point with ol’ Mox, please? Gee, Renee, I dunno. I don’t think Moxley is losing ON THE GO HOME SHOW BEFORE THE PPV. Bring back inset promos.
FIRE UP THE THIRST ENGINES, STING JR. IS HERE. Oh, never mind, Edge is here, too. THIRST AVERTED. Darby knows about climbing mountains, yeah? Like a really BIG mountain they can’t let us forget about? Well, Edge, too, is a mountain. “More like a molehill,” snarled my wife. Why are they setting up Edge and Christian against OTHER teams? The Bucks HAVE to win at the pay per view. Don’t they?
Speaking of whom. Oh, it’s some kind of lame sit down thing in ring with FTR. TWO EDGE SEGMENTS BACK TO BACK? Eat me. Nick Jackson teased that this fake TLC could be their last opportunity to win the belts. SEND EDGE AND CHRISTIAN TO THE SHADOW REALM. Christian is like “I fucked your mom, LOL,” and I’m so SICK TO MY EYE TEETH OF IT. IT WAS FUNNY ONCE< MAYBE TWICE. Matt Jackson pointed out that the last time Edge jumped off something, he crippled himself, which is, y’know, TRUE, but for some reason, Edge was ENRAGED. Security ultimately intervened but this was all a big snooze. I’m sick to DEATH of Edge big leaguing everyone from hell to breakfast. FTR is boring. The Bucks are looking dangerously directionless and also ran-y since they can’t beat this allegedly generational tag team. Why are we pretending that the Young Bucks AREN’T the greatest tag team of all time?
Hey, its Tomasso “AI AI Uh oh” Ciampa! Oh god, I forgot they are wasting one of Kazuchika Okada’s limited dates on this clod having a match. Poor Jake Doyle has not really got off of the starting blocks in AEW. Time will prove me correct re: Ciampa and all the squees in the world won’t help. NO ONE WILL SURVIVE.** A Rainmaker pose? It. Is. To. Laugh. Ciampa claimed that him and Okada was a dream match people wanted in 2018. No, it wasn’t. I genuinely believe that there’s more upside in a dude like Doyle than there is in a cat like Ciampa. Okada correctly pointed out Ciampa is not on his level. How is he the heel, again?
Since I generally don’t talk too much about women’s wrestling here, I’d just like to point out how giddy I was that Persephone made Tessa Blanchard look dumb with the power of RUDA CHICANERY at the CMLL Aniversario. Tessa stinks and that’s before we get to the RACISM. Oh, it wasn’t a good match? Who cares; that’s what you get for booking Tessa. RUDA CHICANERY also won Persephone the match against Hyan, while Britt Baker sat in on comms. Good to know Tony Schiavone’s balls are STILL firmly in her pocket. Britt’s still quite adept on commentary; she had Taz in her pocket the whole time, too. She genuinely could go to the desk if she needs a post wrestling gig that doesn’t involve TEETH.
Oh man, probably another hour and a half to go. Show just isn’t hitting for me. Not terrible or anything but not really COMPELLING, either.
Good thing Speedy packed green gear (with ornate gold trim), huh? One step closer to United Empire Hollywood versus United Empire Wolfpac. Hey, Claudio Castagnoli! What’s the opposite of hey? It’s Gabe Kidd. QUIT SCUTTLING. Marina Shafir, still the best part of the Death Riders, helped Claudio get his pump on with some push ups. Little things like that make me smile. Moxley on comms would not accept compliments for his earlier win, pointing out that he can always perform better. Speedball immediately went ass over tea kettle and landed on his head from the apron. Oops. Claudio threw Ospreay into the barricade, but Ospreay turned that into an offensive advantage with a forearm strike. Man. Moxley is legitimately really good on commentary, and that’s ME saying that. Burying certain shoeless wrestlers for NOT wearing shoes even though a shoeless wrestler works for him? *Chef’s kiss.* Ospreay snatched up Claudio, A HUGE HORSE OF A MAN for a Styles Clash like it was NO BIG THING. Holy crap! Crowns up, I guess. Ospreay thanked (!) Moxley for his guidance and for being the ace of AEW, but obviously, come Saturday, etc. etc. Moxley tried to psyche Ospreay out but to no avail as Ospreay had to be bleeped for a solid two seconds. I THOUGHT HE WAS SICK OF PAYING FINES OR WHATEVER.
TEA TIME, GUV’NOR, for the Birds and the Dominion. Groooannnn. Oh no, the tea party went awry or whatever. No interest.
Roderick Strong is sick of the Conglomeration. Me too, brother. If we’re doing this AGAIN, Roddy better actually LEAVE this time. And maybe get a PUSH, as a treat?
Next was a tune up match for Knight and Fletcher against the Outrunners. How DARE they take the name of the Yu Suzuki / AM2 / SEGA classic in vain? I’d burn down the fucking world if Suzuki-sensei commanded me to. Yes, even after playing that mediocre Space Harrier clone Ys Net released. Air Twister? Something like that. The grindy one that looked like a mobile game.
Anyway, you know who hates eighties wrestling carnies? Don Callis, obviously. The worst. Despite my antipathy for the act, the Outrunners (ptui ptui) are a perfectly decent cannon fodder team. Match went WAY too long, though. Remember what I said about Swerve up top? Multiply that times six for Knight and Fletcher. These guys should be unstoppable killers on a collision course, but here they are, yukking it up in the midcard with the fucking Outrunners. DON WAS RIGHT, Fletcher and Knight are gelling as a team. I guess AEW doesn’t trust Hijo del Sting on non pre taped promos. Hmmm.
Oh man, Jericho? My will to live is ebbing. Crickets. The crowd could not care less. Me, either. Is this how he works a crowd for his crappy band? No, auto correct, not “scrappy,” CRAPPY. Unfortunately, if Jericho got no reaction, that means Nick Wayne got even less. Sigh. Nick correctly points out that anyone that has ever trusted Jericho has ended up with a knife in their back. THIS SUCKS. Jericho likened himself to the sainted and noble Nick Bockwinkel, relating a story where Bockwinkel critiqued his work and now Jericho is doing the same to Wayne or something. PLEASE DON’T ALIGN YOURSELVES. Wayne called his shot for Grand Slam France, wanting to show Jericho how much he knows. Okay. This is now officially a battle over WHO KNOWS MORE ABOUT WRESTLING. Nick Wayne is GREAT. This, this is not. Instead of making this kid can’t miss, once again, an old in AEW is big leaguing his opponent because old = good and young = bad.
Please, PLEASE let Queen Aminata escape from the vortex of doing the dumb butt spot. What are you, Ryusuke Taguchi? YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. Aminata should just be this vicious striker, but they have to do this nonsense. They seem to FINALLY be giving her a push, at least. Mercedes Moné, for all of her prowess, still has NOTHING to say on commentary. Lost without cue cards.
Ah, PAC versus Ace Austin. At least Mrs. Convoy will be happy. Why do I suddenly feel like stewing chicken thighs? Hmmm. Definitely a battle For The Sickos™ but also, very, uh… Collision coded, let’s say. Obviously PAC won, but this led to a schmoz with the Dogs, the Riders, the (sigh) Bang Bang Gang, Andrade and a partridge in a pear tree. Was this a good match? I dunno; I’m weary.
Show just felt kinda long. Nothing too egregious (maybe that Jericho segment, good lord, or Edge taking umbrage at people being younger than him) but nothing particularly stood out, either. I don’t feel especially jazzed for the pay per view. Like, the PPVs are supposed to be almost a celebration, yeah? The go home shows should have you pumping your fist, pacing the room with anticipation. Instead, I’m more like “what non wrestling media can I cram in before bedtime? I need to detox.” Is Tony Khan distracted by the pigskin? Or just by kissing David Ellison’s ass?
*Mr. Show reference, don’t at me
**I, too, can make NXT references
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