Chicago sees host to the latest AEW pay per view extravaganza (?); this year’s iteration of All Out. I feel like it’s basically a one match card, that one match being Jon Moxley versus Will Ospreay, but that’s probably more a “me” issue that an AEW one. On the other hand, hey, it’s up to them to get me excited, right? I’m not really feeling this evening’s proceedings. Let’s hope the matches manage to change me from sour to sweet.
I guess I’d be remiss if I failed to mention that the other guys are running a GLORIFIED HOUSE SHOW (anti shout out to the folks who gave me a hard time for using that term this week when that’s precisely what it is) across the street, featuring a certain Chicago Made Person. Any issues I have with the AEW card… those should immediately go away when confronted with this terrible, house show assed line up. Who watches this stuff with unironic passion? Some podcasters and pundits have said it’s “cool” that both AEW and WWE are running successful shows in Chicago at the same time. I don’t really see why I should find it “cool.” ENJOY ALL WRESTLING, AMIRITE? No, it was a pathetic attempt on WWE’s part at counter programming, and while it was successful on a drawing a crowd level, it didn’t hurt All Out one bit, so it was a wash out in the actual intended purpose. “Oh, but they’re showing it next Wednesday on YouTube!” Okay. I doubt it will make much if any difference to any regular Dynamite viewers. WWE has tried on several occasions to do these strange, half assed attempts at counter programming and it never really accomplishes anything except to make WWE look scared. They have no need to be scared… even though AEW has better wrestlers, better stories and better (much better) matches… WWE has the inertia of being the brand leader for fifty years. They’re never going away, barring a sale to the Saudis or something drastic, and even then. It’s the real life equivalent of the everyone having a good time meme except for the one guy who’s screaming and upset. Go over there and enjoy your simulation of pro wrestling and leave the rest of us the fuck alone.
I guess I have to watch the Tailgate Whatnot, aka the second half of Collision. I heard that, if you stick your head out the window and listen really hard, you might be able to hear the sounds of Wednesday’s show, still going on as I type.
Oh man, they’re gonna feed my guy Katsuyori Shibata to Jungle Jack Perry? Instead of putting over Perry’s dangerousness, we’re talking about him grilling hot dogs. I dunno, man. Who does this appeal to?
When I hear people say things like “They’re wasting Kazuchika Okada,” I always roll my eyes. Okada WANTS to be a goofball on TV and doesn’t want the responsibility of being the world champion. TRUST ME ON THIS. However, when I see them haul out Shibata…I feel like he could be doing more, absolutely. Obviously, given the severity of his brain trauma, we’re lucky he can do anything, but I don’t love him being low man on the totem pole in the OPPs.
LOL, Jungle Jack somehow outwrestling Shibata to lay in his dumb STF thing. Perry didn’t squash Shibata, obviously, he won with a fluke roll up, but it was a pretty back and forth affair. I dunno, make the AEW Dojo, put Shibata in charge and put people to work. Make ’em killers. Use Shibata to best effect. Perry calling out Samoa Joe is still more than a touch laughable to me. As Perry laid in the ring, caterwauling for Joe to appear, the man with the biggest, squarest head, JOE HIMSELF arrived. Not one person in the crowd thinks Perry can beat Joe and frankly, nor should they. One headbutt later and the issue was should be put to rest.
I don’t wanna do my Queen Aminata rant again, so I won’t. This isn’t what I, personally, watch wrestling for. Just let her beat up people.
Oh man, the Dogs and the Bang Bang Gang. This is a waste of everyone involved. What am I even talking about? This is especially and specifically a fucking WASTE of Jay White. You wanna complain about Okada being wasted? Let’s talk about THE SWITCHBLADE. LOL IT’S A KIWI WITH A FOOTBALL.
Strong RAW Bowl vibes from this and believe me that’s NOT a compliment. WE ARE NOT YOUR KIND right off the bat. Ho ho. Oh, look, it’s Brock Lesnar Guy. Shouldn’t you be across the street, chief? Get going. “This is entertaining,” lied Tony Schiavone. At least Marina Shafir beat up Juice Robinson. Is this going to continue into the PPV? This couldn’t possibly convince someone to BUY something. Oh, I typed too soon. Just as I was complaining, Jay hit the Bladerunner on Wheeler YUTA. Wow, what amazing timing. INSTINCTS.
PAC is red, angry and here to kick off the show. My spirit animal. I heard a podcaster say that he likes Andrade because Andrade “didn’t play his AEW character in CMLL.” Meanwhile, in CMLL, in the match he was reffering to, he got a selfie with a plant and did the “How You Know” chant, so I guess he didn’t like actually watch the match. Andrade sucks, guys, I’m sorry. WEAR RIP OFF PANTS, MORON. Why is he carrying the dumb title shot contract? It’s WWE-lite. PLEASE let PAC win this; he’s too good still to languish as a carpenter for the upper mid card.
It’s a dueling chant type of evening, I see. FOR THE SICKOS™. START WRESTLING FOR GOTCH’S SAKE. Oh, silence when they’re actually working. What, not enough TABLES fornyou? Marina Shafir referred to PAC as “Bastard” as a friendly nickname, which made us chuckle. Andrade, now’s your chance to get a selfie with Brock Lesnar Guy! Why is this match so slow and bad (as if I didn’t know). Some asshole up front is FLICKING HIS BEER at PAC. Off with his head. “We want tables” chant just for that extra je nais sais quoi. Oh god, oh GOD NO, not the Three Amigos. OH MY GOD, Marina choked out the plant selfie woman! PAC (and to a lesser extent, Marina) are carrying this. Andrade STINKS. He rolled up PAC whilst PAC was applying his submission finisher for the win. Andrade ain’t it, chief. And quit carrying your contract like it’s Money in the Bank!
I assume the guy losing in this next bout is Darby Allin. Too soon to pin Sexy Steve™. Kevin Knight shouldn’t be pinned. Kyle Fletcher should ESPECIALLY not be pinned, which means I’ve probably cursed him. At least Don Callis has joined comms. Should Sexy Steve be the guy working to get reps, being Ricky Morton or should he be the hot tag guy to look good? I’m just a bit… something feels off about this and I can’t put my finger on it. Probably shouldn’t be on PPV yet. Go work Collision for a year, I dunno. THEN throw him in the deep end. Don Callis is simply concerned about Darby, asking how long he’ll be allowed to continue before he is considered a risk to himself. Hot tag to Sexy Steve DENIED. YAY WE CHANT “STEVE” WHEN STEVE IS ON OFFENSE! Sigh. Kyle and Kevin are doing their DAMNDEST, here. Kevin and Sexy Steve did an aerial Coast to Coast clash. Ooh, Steve hit his head pretty hard. Doctor stoppage? Not sure if that’s real or not and that’s EXACTLY why you shouldn’t do doctor angles. Since they didn’t show replays and didn’t show Steve, I’m assuming that was for real. Not to be an asshole (there’s a first time for everything) but that was a real reach exceeding grasp thing. A million “AEW is too dangerous” articles will be launched off of the back of this. (Editor Convoy here: it was definitely real; they had to disassemble part of the ring and take him out on a stretcher. He had one of those knocked out hand spasms. Hope the dude is okay.)
Okay, Persephone and her open challenge. Crowd is super deflated, and understandably so. Hey, it’s Dani Luna! I know this is a gal who has openly campaigned to come into AEW, so she’s a great choice; she wants this and isn’t hoping to use AEW as a stepping stone. TNA did NOWT with her. Unfortunately, these ladies are in a tough position; the crowd is a bit freaked out and understandably so. Britt Baker (DMD) is a great manager; I think this is a good role for her. Persephone and Luna both took some tough bumps in this, probably hoping to get the crowd back on side. Luna did the Kota Ibushi outside in German suplex to Persephone, which was cool. Baker prevented a second one with some subtle interference. I probably would have had Luna pull off the upset here, but such was not to be.
Hopefully Okada and Tomasso “I like AI, actually” Ciampa can get the crowd back on side. IT’S THE (alleged) 2018 DREAM MATCH! *cough* Why, WHY do they show the scary heel KISSING HIS DAUGHTER? This is what ruined his NXT character, too; he got hurt and they showed him in hospital with his family… WHILE HE WAS THE TOP HEEL. Best wishes, evil heel family man! Kiss your kid on YOUR time, not the time I paid for. TREAT HIM LIKE A YOUNG BOY, KAZU. Ciampa went after Don at one point, and Okada took advantage. Where’s Lance Archer? Oh no, a bonk on the head? MY SHADOW KNOWS MY GIG RIG. “He keeps it in his beard,” my wife helpfully supplied. Okada flipped off the little Ciampa girl and got flipped off in return. “DUD,” said the enraged Mrs. Convoy. To be fair, it kinda got the crowd back in a better mood, if not my wife. PUT CIAMPA IN THE MONEY CLIP. Ciampa hit the “Project Ciampa” (? Whatever that means. Been confused about that for many years) backbreaker. Tony yelled “that backbreaker was right on target!” Yes, HIS BACK. Ugh, not the screwdriver. Actually, to be fair, it was not a factor. Ciampa got a couple near falls the crowd bit on, but not the cynical people in Casa de Convoy. Emerald Flowsion, Rainmaker, one, two, three. YOU KNOW THAT’S RIGHT, BITCH. The crowd really bought into everything from the daughter spot on.
Brawling Birds and Divine Dominion did the plunder thing. You know, AEW and women’s plunder matches do often go hand in hand. Not really my cuppa but people I was corresponding with seemed to dig it. All four ladies best the breakfast out of each other and Alex Windsor ran the blade pretty hard. I might not have done the head whiplash power bomb spot to Alex Windsor after what happened to Sexy Steve™. Then head first into a chair! Alex, enough with the head damage! Alex and Jamie gave Lena Kross the Hart Attack into tacks for the win. The camera missed Jamie glassing Lena with a beer bottle first because of course they did.
Sexy Steve is conscious, responsive, talking and cruically, remembers the match at the hospital so that’s a bit of a relief.
Trio thingo with Hangman Adam Page, Brody King and Bandido versus the New Level and Swerve Strickland next. Oh, the fan fic. THE FAN FIC. Swerve is dressed (somewhat) as Reverse Flash, which is cool and will piss off certain people when they realize it’s a comic book reference. Oh, and New Level are Flash(ish). Geeks unite! Austin Creed got ginned up to fight Brody King for some reason and, uh… it did not go well. Hangman tagged in and inadvertently knocked Swerve off the apron which triggered a Swerve violence party. Both teams separated the two men, but tensions were obviously running high. ENOUGH WITH THE JILTED EX STUFF, LET THEM FIGHT. Ah, now it’s time for ROH champion Bandido to be smashed FIRMLY into the glass ceiling. Swerve proceeded to beat up Bandido AT Hangman, purely to taunt him. Jesus, EVERYONE is bound and determined to land on their heads tonight as Kofi gets Death Valley driven into the apron by Brody. FINALLY, Swerve and Hangman meet in the middle of the ring. NOW we’re gettin’ somewhere. Ugh, the NICOTINE PATCH advertising everywhere is pretty gross. Hangman and Swerve really understand that their feud is a core AEW tenet, a pillar if you will, if pillar meant pillar, which it doesn’t*. A keystone. I hope AEW itself gets that! We got a couple of silly strength spots, but the crowd ate it up. Swerve went to finish off Brody King, but Hangman intervened. We then got the “everyone in the trio hits a signature move” spot. 21 Plex backfired and Swerve turned it into the JML Driver for the win. Really solid match. Hangman and Swerve simply ARE AEW. Woven into the DNA of the company.
Thekla “Two Bitches” is here! So is Willow Nightingale! Thekla promised to break Willie’s OTHER hand. We’ll see. I wish I liked Thekla’s actual matches as much as I like her persona. Match was okay. Obviously Thekla versus Mercedes Moné is the biggest women’s match they can field and obviously this was gonna have the nonsensical (literally in this case) overbooking and so forth.
Oh good, WrestleDream, always AEW’s least essential show, is in three weeks.
Oh good, time for NOT TLC. Not Full Metal Mayhem, either (no chains). Do FTR have fake, mark belts they made for themselves, a la the Young Bucks in 2015? Or are those the Rev Pro belts? Hey, it’s Edge. Who you gonna big league today? (If you don’t get it, look at it this way. Edge has been a secret heel this whooooole time. Maybe in real life, too.) I “love” it when the crowd drifts off course during the sing along portion of the show. They keep mentioning Edge and Christian have had forty ladder matches. Like, I bet the Bucks aren’t a mile away from that number. The Ladder War in ROH was a rare and precious thing, but they did at least a couple of those, and those were every bit as grueling as any TLC match. Man, I hate ladder matches. Too real life dangerous, and all basically the same. Forget how to climb, climb, bump, snooze, set up ladder, forget how to climb, climb, bump, snooze, set up ladder, ad infinitum. Edge hit an Impaler DDT at one point on Matt Jackson to a table outside that DIDN’T BREAK. That about sucked. Then Christian (Chris tee anne, according to Nigel McGuinness) hit an avalanche Unprettier on Nick Jackson onto a ladder. ACK. BIG STOKE levelled the playing field with a LOW BLOW and FREEDOM POWDER on Christian. He took an INCREDIBLY risky bump through a table, which seemingly fucked up the sound for a bit. Sound has been in and out all night anyway, so who knows. Spike piledriver by FTR on Edge! Running Meltzer Driver on FTR Bald by the Bucks! Eventually, FTR hit Nick with a Shatter Machine off of the ladder. BACK BODY DROP ON HAIR OVER THE LADDER? Jesus! Legit terrifying. Bucks won with a BTE Trigger to Christian. FINALLY. Can we PLEASE move on from the olds and get back to having an ACTUAL tag division? Shouts out (good grammar) to Cash and Stoke for going above and beyond on the crazy bumps.
Wardlow is back. In case you cared.
Main EBENTO. Mox got the standard Mox entrance. Ospreay got a rad violinist, which always pops me. Yeah, they fucked up by making him ONLY A LAD but now he’s back to being an ASSASSIN’S CREED MAN. That’s the Ospreay I want, the puppy dog man who is, uh… part of a secret assassin’s guild? I dunno, I only played like one of those games and got bored like a few hours in. UBISOFT, AMIRITE. It was now time to BURN IT DOWN (uh oh). This is starting to take forever, c’mon. Will said… something… but between the audio and the Essex, I couldn’t understand. I’m reliably informed Ospreay said “let’s fucking end this,” but the audio level has been staggering drunkenly all night long. He may have said “It’s a jolly ‘oliday wiv YEW, Mawy Pawppins!” but who can say. GET YOUR ASSASSIN TYPE VIDEO GAME AT A REASONABLE DISCOUNT. Maybe Mox and Will can settle their differences with a spirited game of Assassin’s Creed.
Match started… I don’t want to say “slow.” Deliberate, perhaps. Moxley worked the neck, because DUH. Lotsa get the crowd’s sympathy type stuff. UGH, NO MID MATCH MONOLOGUE, PLEASE. They did the middle of the ring slugfest thing. Moxley somehow transitioned out of a potential Styles Clash into a potential arm bar, which was slick. Ugh, sleeper suplex to Ospreay! Brutal. Will did a LOT of the glassy eyed sympathy from the cheap seats type of selling. Neck bridge out of a curb stomp! That was cool. Styles Clash! Oscutter! Ref bump? Ughhhh. Francesco Akira to the rescue? PACference with a Halliburton? Oh boy, its Andrade. Would have preferred Ilja Dragunov. Man, fuck this overbooking . Did Jeff Jarrett agent this match? SHAFIRENCE. Brawling Birds with the save. Anyone else from the back wanna come out? “This is breaking down all over the place,” said Nigel. Never has an announcer been so right. Curb stomp on the briefcase. Bonk on the head! Kickout. Like three or four Paradigm Shifts and Death Riders! It’s okay, Ospreay doesn’t use his head, anyway. Hidden Blade! Stormbreaker! Oh, Moxley is laughing because WE TELL STORIES, PAL. (Non) Hidden Blade, and mercifully, the end. That was AWFUL after the ref bump, just Moxley’s worst instincts AND Ospreay’s worst instincts on display. The one match I wanted and it not only didn’t deliver, it FAILED to deliver. Why can’t we just have a fucking WRESTLING MATCH instead of Masterpiece Theater by way of 2006 TNA main event style?
Hard show to judge. Obviously an injury so early on threw a bit of a pallor over things. Did the show ever truly find it’s footing again after that? Sure, arguably the trios match kinda got things back on track. I think liking the show largely depends upon if you liked the women’s plunder match and the ladder match. Neither of those things really moves MY personal needle, so there wasn’t much meat on the bone for me this evening. You can hzve SOME interference, even a bit of overbooking… but the main events? Those should be, for the most part, straightforward contests where one person tries to be BETTER than the other person. If you are drawing comparisons to 2006 TNA, something is wrong.
As for souring or sweetening, I can genuinely tell you the main event left me with a SOUR taste in my mouth, like six Sour Patch kids had a party with fizzy lemon drinks and DIED back by my uvula. We’re back to me wondering if buying the next PPV in three weeks is worth my money and maybe more importantly, my time.
*a rant for another time. Giant Baba did NOT wake up one day and create the “Four Pillars of Heaven” and that’s not what “shitennoh” means, anyway. Throw your copies of the Illustrated History of Pro Wrestling in the goddamned bin
Leave a comment