La Zona Muerta

Before what’s left of my gutshot fandom of wrestling and, indeed, humanity oozes out all over the floor, I’d like to see AEW really STICK IT to WWE somehow. There’s been too many nasty tricks, too many attempts at “counterprogramming,” too many little barbs thrown by persons in and out of the company, too many people trying to profit off of TRAGEDY, tragedy that, for better or worse, has been handled with grace. I need AEW to take a big swing, to get something that isn’t merely a “moral” victory.

I’m not big on when people say AEW needs to do something to “counter program” WWE and specifically the Saudi Arabia co-opted WrestleMania event, but you know what?

Fuck WWE.

Fuck Saudi Arabia.

Fuck TKO.

They are all ghouls.

Counterprogram the shit out of them.

Allegedly, on the internal WWE books, Mania is slated for April 10th and 11th. Who knows, assuming the world doesn’t blow up and the creek don’t rise before then, of course. I’m not normally the “AEW needs to do ____” guy… I typically HATE that guy, to be honest with you, but AEW needs to go for the throat, here. Have a big ass stadium show that weekend! Only the richest and stupidest of marks are gonna fly out to Riyadh, SECURE WITH THEIR AUNT PAM ON AIR SAUDIA. That leaves a very real gap, a deficit that can be filled. Exploited, if I’m feeling nasty, and I am.

I’m no longer a fan of the GCW “Collective” and all of it’s WWE adjacent hangers on, but fuck, host them, too. Get New Japan on the horn. Tell them “hey, if you’re our supposed promotional partner, tell your workers to shut up and support us with your best acts.” If they HAVE any, that is. Get CMLL, an ACTUAL good partner, on the horn. Get all the MyAEW goofballs. Okay, maybe not Orange Crush guy. Get STARDOM. GET SCOTT D’AMORE AND HIS NOT QUITE TNA BUT IT MAY AS WELL BE CANADIAN GOOFBALL CIRCUS. WHY NOT. Leverage some football contacts and get one of the big stadiums, hopefully at a discount. AIN’T NO FOOTBALL THAT TIME OF YEAR. Make it a destination that the people who are normally willing to cash out their mortgages and max out their credit cards for Mania are gonna want to go to (even if those are the people who are probably more supportive and susceptible to the tactics as listed above). Don’t charge nothing, since AEW is a FOR PROFIT business and not a TEW save with the infinite money cheat code applied, as some seem to forget, but make seating a reasonably cheap alternative to watching the show at home. Make it a big, dopey three day weekend of wrestling, capped off by a huge AEW show. No one can touch AEW on pay per view, right? SHOW THEM. SHOW EVERYONE.

Hurt WWE.

Take a chunk of their fans away on their own biggest weekend because they’ve already decided those domestic (and international) fans aren’t as important as Saudi Arabia blood money. Give those now underserved fans a reason to NEVER LOOK BACK. TAKE A CHUNK OUT OF TKO’S FLANK. You’ve got six months to plan, build and execute.

Fuck Konann.

Fuck Eric Bischoff.

Fuck Raj Giri.

Fuck ANYONE who is trying to use the deaths of PAC or the Butcher or Brodie Lee or JAY FUCKING BRISCOE as some sort of CUDGEL against AEW.

Let WWE, TKO and ANYONE ELSE know that combat sports, that PRO WRESTLING doesn’t belong to them. It belongs to the idiots who watch it, like you and I. Give it back to the people and not to the morons who shell out fifteen grand for a DAY’S WORTH of the mediocre trash the Fed feeds them in their slop troughs with the “cool” WWE branding. Maybe if they’re REALLY lucky, they can get a Cody Rhodes / Guile hairdo popcorn bucket from that Street Fighter movie to hold their ladles of slop. Sonic Boom? More like SONIC FLOP, amirite?

You can tell that I’m in a FANTASTIC mood this week.

Speaking of bad moods, you want to hear a secret, dear reader?

When I saw Kofi Kingston was slated to beat Lee Moriarty, the young, hungry and talented technical wrestler that has been sort of protected and hidden away in Ring of Honor on Collision?

I turned it off.

Its galling to me that nearly everyone in regards to the New Level, specifically here in regards to Kofi, is like “yay, this is our guy because he chose AEW!” Kofi didn’t choose AEW. AEW is the only place that will PAY him what he thinks he’s worth. He can work hard (and is, I recognize that), but don’t PRETEND those dudes CHOSE AEW. THE OTHER PLACE LOWBALLED THEM. That’s not a crime, obviously, get paid… but putting 45 year old Kofi over 32 year old Moriarty? I don’t love that, and given my tentative connection to AEW right now? I decided I didn’t need to watch it. I watched woodworking videos, instead. And once I decided I didn’t need to watch the beginning of Collision that was going to have an outcome I was sure to dislike? I didn’t see any real reason to come back to watch the rest of it. I realize now, in hindsight that this was probably to give Kofi some mild ROH cred for his bout against Bandido tonight, but I still don’t have to like it.

This means that I missed the initial announcement of Raven’s Will Ospreay’s Clockwork Orange House of Fun Carnage match. Immediately, of course, the somewhat convoluted sounding contest (apparently an eight person random draw timed entry elimination match which, after a certain period of time, becomes an iron man match with whomever survived the first period; the person who ends the match with the largest number of falls wins) drew both ire and praise. It’s a new thing, it’s bound to get a mixed reaction. But then you get the AEW fans FOR WHOM NOTHING CAN EVER BE WRONG, telling others how STUPID they are for not understanding the match or praising it for being something WWE wouldn’t do. Well, people ARE stupid, sure, but that doesn’t mean not understanding this nonsense makes that so. As far as it being something WWE wouldn’t do… I guess no one watches NXT anymore, or they’d realize this is not dissimilar to the “Iron Survivor” match type that was just introduced a couple of years back, itself a multi person iron man match with its own convoluted bit of nonsense (pinfalls leading to a time out in a penalty box) that has something in common with the KING of convoluted match types, TNA’s King of the Mountain match (a multi man reverse ladder match where pinfalls lead to a time out in a penalty box).

IT’S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE! (TM Mike Tenay)

I get that negativity gets some fans down, and constant negativity is no good, either, take it from someone who is naturally melancholic. But are we really gonna die on the hill of defending this thing against those thinking this sounds a TOUCH overwrought? We have to be able… even when it’s our PRECIOUS AEW… we have to be able to say so when we think things just plain DON’T SOUND GOOD. I’ve seen some fans clinging to “it’s just a casino gauntlet iron man match,” which it’s NOT, not exactly, but okay. You want to downplay the complication of the stip that way, fine. It’s still something where ultimately, the heavyweight champion is spinning his wheels in a multi man match of his own devising instead of simply defending his title against a number one contender. Just do the stupid Andrade match! I’m sure the match will have good people in it. I’m sure Will has already seen some of the responses (I KNOW Tony Khan has; he talked about how he’s made tweaks to the match and will be going over the rules on TV EXTENSIVELY, his words, not mine). I’m sure people will work hard. I’m just saying IT DOESN’T SOUND ALL THAT HOT ON PAPER. Who knows, maybe it will be great. Will Ospreay’s creative instincts NEVER MISS, right? Will Ospreay, avowed human puppy dog and TNA fan?

It’s not even that the match sounds so bad… mostly… it’s more… this, THIS is what you’re doing for the main event of a pay per view? For the world heavyweight championship? I mean, if this were a match to establish a number one contender… maybe as a different concept for TV… sure, give it a shot, see if it works, I guess. But no, we have to PAY to watch this almost untested (yes, I know they just ran one in Pro Wrestling EVE, a match with very little buzz in any of the circles I travel, circles where people watch a lot more wrestling than I do) match with less than two weeks of build?

No, thank you. I kinda hope WrestleDream does a big, ol’ belly flop; it’s a show that comes too close on the heels of the last one as it is. I just want to watch Will Ospreay, someone who is probably one of the top two or three wrestlers in the world, have a cool match with one of the other big names in AEW. I don’t want a million run ins, a weird gimmick match, some convoluted nonsense; I don’t want any of that. Two people who hate each other or two people who want to prove that one is better than the other. I’m not saying that is what wrestling HAS to be, but it’s what wrestling at its BEST is. The more AEW gets away from that, from one on one matches, the more convoluted it gets, the more the older guys from other companies go over the young people… the less interested I find myself being.

With that unpleasantness out of the way… here we are in France for some reason. VIVE LE FRANCE! My wife asked me why AEW was in France. I shrugged. She asked if they were doing some sort of European tour or loop. I shrugged again. I don’t know why they suddenly jetted over to France, why they suddenly announced this show roughly a month ago (to be fair, it did sell out). JUST FOR THE HALIBUT is probably just a slogan on a shirt that dads wear, but it seems as good as an answer as any.

If nothing else, tonight’s show sounds like it will be one of the type I tend to favor; match heavy, no time for dumb interviews and bad angles. I NEED the recharge, so here’s hoping.

Oh boy, Kofi and Bandido right out of the gate. I have said that I want to see Bandido drop the ROH title, but that will be some Monkey’s Paw type nonsense if it happens here. Can we not beat ROH champions in AEW, please?

Oh good, the guy that thinks apple cores cure cancer DIDN’T join comms. Bandido is seconded by big Brody King. Kind of an awkward thing where Bandido went for his taunt but I don’t think Kofi KNEW THAT and dropkicked him. Nigel McGuinness likened something or someone in ring to THE EMERALD EMPEROR, MITSUHARU MISAWA, but that can’t be right. Perhaps I’ve had a stroke. THE FRENCH CAN COUNT. Oh snap, here comes Swerve Strickland. Oh double snap, here comes Hangman Adam Page!

Hon hon hon

Tony Schiavone wants to talk about Kofi’s length. Ooh, er, missus. Match so far has been Kofi taking a lot of it. They cut to Page and he looked thoroughly unimpressed. C’MON BANDIDO SHINE SPOT. Bandido never met a thigh he wouldn’t slap. Man, Kofi is taking a LOT of this. I suppose that’s a good sign, in a way. Bandido is a STRONG DUDE, doing that kinda moonsault with the other guy in his grip thing. Ah, finally Swerve and Page collide! Swerve and Page, saving the promotion since 2023. Whoops, they almost missed the finish; Bandido hit the 21 Plex (second ver.). Whew!

Speedball Mike Bailey has, uh… declared? For the Clockwork Whatnot. Clockwork Carnage is a “Casino gauntlet plus an iron man match, bruv.” NO IT ISN’T. The Casino Gauntlet ends, FULL STOP when someone is pinned.

Here comes BIG SAMOA JOE, megachurch enthusiast (sigh) against Jungle Jack Perry. YOU ASKED FOR THIS, JACK.

Whoa, the French REALLY like Baltimora.

This is gonna be more about the valiancy of Jack than it is anything else. It’s incredible how, even if Joe is diminished from his prime, he’s so honed into his character and ability that he walks in without having missed a step from the last time we saw him. Joe may be a gross mega church goer, but he is PROFANE at least, so there’s that. Middle finger from Jack means a BIG BOY SENTON from Joe. 3, 2, 1… MUSCLE! Match was good for what it was but I’ve watched Perry for probably ten years by now. He’s never gonna be my guy. Joe, on the other hand, has been my guy for probably around twenty two years.

KAZUCHIKA OKADA SPEAKS PITCH PERFECT FRENCH. He wants the ARC D’OKADA erected in his honor. A great man.

Jon Moxley needs that BRACING SLAP from his teammate, Marina Shafir. The less said about Gabe Kidd, the better. PAC’s chair. Sigh.

Hey, it’s Jake Doyle and Mark Davis, the team that never was! Maybe they can change that. What, was Don Callis stopped at the airport? DENIED ENTRY?!

Man, you want CLUBBERIN’, this is the match for you. Bless Mark Davis’ heart; he could have been the discarded partner, the guy who was injury prone and faded away… instead, he redoubled his efforts and became one of my favorite acts in AEW. The head into the turnbuckle thing being Gabe Kidd’s taunt is SO LAME. Oh, MAN; Davis hit his sit out piledriver thing- is that Close Your Eyes (and Count to Fuck)? I hope so. Eat it, Kidd! Thank you for your service, Mark.

The Pro to staaaaar and his tiara are here! Kyle Fletcher rules. Hey, Darby Allin. This should be bonkers. Excalibur was incredulous that Darby got in some training by skateboarding thru the streets of Paris. Is it REALLY that surprising?

Jesus, I always sound like the safety police when Darby is on but he immediately took a face plant into the barricade. It’s not sustainable, my dude. Of course, then Kyle crashes and burns, himself. GOOD LORD, the awful things that happened on the announce tables. Basically, the match is composed of stopping every couple of insane spots for a doctor or a referee to do their due diligence. I’d imagine wrestling Darby is fun, especially if you’re a bigger guy. I can’t imagine anyone else who would be quite as enthusiastic about having you throw him around like a rag doll. HOLY CHRIST THAT MICHINOKU DRIVER. Terrifying. I haven’t seen a Michinoku Driver that emphatic since the days of TAKA MICHINOKU HIMSELF. Code Red! Another! Coffin Drop! Brainbuster! GOOD GOTCH ABOVE. NO NOT THE TURNBUCKLE BRAINBUSTER! DAAAAAAANGEROUS~! Ugh; why isn’t the Dangerous~! Brainbuster the finish? Don’t do it if it’s not the finish. Kyle bonked himself on the exposed buckle and of course ate a couple Coffin Drops. Darby retains.

I like Darby well enough, but his matches are always the same thing; he takes RIDICULOUS damage and then suddenly rallies. He never builds to a finish, he scrambles and hits a Coffin Flop or whatever. Great match, ungreat finish.

I hope this match with Mercedes Moné is not the end of the Queen Aminata push. Obviously she isn’t WINNING unless Thekla costs Moné or something.

I guess it’s the War Dogs against the Young Bucks on Collision. Okay.

Aminata speaks several languages, and apparently French is one of her best, because she cut a SPIRITED promo au Francais about coming back to the States as champion. Ugh, they have ALREADY mentioned “Chocolate Kisses,” and the match hasn’t even started yet. Moné stomped a beret for FRENCH HEAT. I’m sure she’s wanted this match for awhile; she’s giving Aminata a LOT. Aminata is getting a good reception from the crowd. I SAID NO MORE EDDY GUERRERO SPOTS. The world won’t listen. Aminata needs to be permanently upgraded to AT LEAST the Kris Statlander type echelon / level. Aminata hit a variety of sick suplexes and Moné let Aminata do some pretty nasty things to her with a chair, too. Aminata is leaving it all in the ring, here; she’s bringing her absolute best. Moné won, obviously, but if they let it, if they follow up properly, that could have been a star making performance for Aminata. THEKLA! Mercedes’ costume may have mange as it sheds and sheds and sheds.

More trios fun for WrestleDream; Swerve and the New Level versus Page, Brody and Bandido in a two out of three falls match. Huh.

Hey, Don Callis WAS allowed to enter the country after all! He’s out here with Okada… who has owned Ospreay eleven times out of thirteen in previous encounters. Of course, if we’re talking BRAIN CAPACITY, Okada doesn’t exactly have good ideas for matches, either (see the now defunct King of Pro Wrestling title in New Japan. Actually, don’t; they actually discontinued it). I’ll say it before Excalibur does; Okada legitimately brought Ospreay into CHAOS in real life, not just storyline and was a supporter of his throughout their respective tenures in NJPW. The crowd is absolutely MENTAL, here, just MOLTEN HOT. NO OKADA, DON’T LEAVE. Superlative wrestling on display, the craft executed at it’s highest level. Almost like there’s something to having Ospreay in a bullshit free match against one of his peers, huh? Food for thought. EXCELLENT two point seven five off of a Rainmaker by Okada. Gee, Okada rules. Just a great closing stretch here, Ospreay giving Okada both barrels and Okada kicking out of just EVERYTHING, including the Hidden Blade! Ah, he couldn’t kick out of the FORWARD FACING, SERIOUS version of the Hidden Blade. Excellent match and Don is LIVID that his man lost. The thought occurs; you can bag on the way Okada has been used in AEW all you want (even if 90% of it is his own doing) but when he wants to, he can still turn it on like no one’s business.

A very good show!

The thought ALSO occurs that I needed a simple show like this, just GOOD matches with no real horseshit, no overbooking, no overblown angles. I’m still holding AEW at arms’ length a bit. Still likely gonna skip the pay per view unless they add something IMPOSSIBLY compelling, but I needed this. I needed a bit of a respite from the more… challenging elements of AEW of late. My brain chemicals feel mostly evened out, and that’s certainly no small thing on a random Tuesday.