As I feverishly type this missive, wondering what I’m going to say about a show that probably won’t be getting me to buy the pay per view, New Japan fans are presumably gnashing their teeth since AEW is bailing out their favorite promotion… again. It looks like Wrestle Kingdom will have a litany of AEW dudes… Kenny Omega, Jon Moxley, Maxwell Jacob Friedman, probably Will Ospreay… like most of the top of the AEW card coming in to MAKE a WK card for those unhappy, teeth-gnashing fans. And why?
Well, New Japan stinks, that’s why.
Okay, okay. STINKS might be a touch harsh. But not much more than a touch.
You ALL told me how GREAT the G1 was, over and over. And sure, the final was great… but New Japan squandered that supposed momentum from that supposedly great tournament, the one with so many exceptions and provisions and caveats. Good “if,” you know? Good if you ignore Jake Lee’s clown antics and SANADA’s big hat. Uh, don’t watch THAT night, but do watch this one, instead. “HE GETS CHOPPED FOR HALF AN HOUR.” It’s like when someone tells you how good their new, favorite TV series is but then they mention “don’t watch the first couple of episodes. Wait until episode three, that’s when the show really finds its footing.”
Over in New Japan, land of the stalled push, they’re STILL trying to do something with the charisma deficient Shota Umino. Yota Tsuji talks a great game, but delivers somewhat inconsistently in the ring (don’t get me wrong, I like him better than most, but I can see the flaws). Royhei Oiwa (never BIG ROY, shame on you all) has a definite… something happening… but it’s apparently not enough something to buy him the big seat at WK. Aaron Wolf is barely off of the launch pad. Yuya Uemura may have exploded on the launch pad. Oleg Boltin is good for his level of experience, but they seem reluctant to truly get behind him. Gabe Kidd has one foot out the door (and unfortunately, one foot in the door of the TV show I actually watch every week). Callum Newman is someone a lot of my friends are high on, but someone I’ve never seen much in. The junior heavyweight division is in the DIRT, featuring YOH and DOUKI in a race to the bottom of the sea. Everyone seems to love the Knockout Brothers, even though they have pretty much the same match every time out… and that’s about it. There’s no juice in New Japan right now. And it PAINS me to say that. It’s sad. It’s a waste.
And for some reason, when NJPW sees that, when they see that they have NOTHING, and they pull the panic lever, it’s AEW’s fault.
I don’t, I can’t blame Tsuji or Oiwa or even Aaron Wolf, as much as I might like to blame the latter*. I can’t even blame Newman or the rest of the crop of lackluster white dudes foreigners. I guess it’s the same kind of thinking where people ASSURED me that the 92nd CMLL Aniversario was ruined by AEW. Except it wasn’t. The Aniversario was largely great and the couple of clunkers weren’t the fault of AEW** (depending how strongly you felt about the Blue Panther / Jeff Jarrett match). I keep hearing that CMLL has been ruined by AEW workers and Americanization, but I still don’t see it that way. Sorry you hated that perfectly okay Eddie Kingston match so much.
It’s not AEW’s fault that Kenny Omega is more compelling than anyone New Japan can field right now.
It’s not AEW’s fault that Zach Sabre Junior couldn’t make a credible main eventer out of Shota Umino (it wasn’t ZSJ’s fault, either).
It’s not AEW’s fault that the G1 was won by someone NJ apparently doesn’t have a ton of faith in.
Tony Khan, secure in his power and wealth, isn’t calling New Japan and INSISTING his guys go to the Aniversario or Wrestle Kingdom. It’d probably be easier for him if they didn’t. I’m sure he’d rather deal with his own booking issues than have to listen to Chris Charlton having a seemingly out of character freak out about him and his supposed motives. Do I have issues with how AEW uses wrestlers from their partner groups? Absolutely! It’s VERY likely I will be complaining about it again here a few inches down when I talk about Darby Allin and Hechicero, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to flip out when AEW actually lends a hand to a partner promotion to BOLSTER a weak card. Now, if we get to January 5th, and all the AEW guys triumph and New Japan comes out looking like a weak sister, that’s something different… but right now, we are back to the people who WHINED about Kazuchika Okada coming in LAST year as opposed to a diminished Shinsuke Nakamura, controlling the discourse. AGAIN. New Japan is no longer the partner big leaguing everyone… they are in too weakened of a state to be able to do that. They can’t afford to. THEY NEED THE HELPING HAND RIGHT NOW, and that’s entirely the fault of the management and especially the booking office.
So, I’d imagine Dynamite is 3 hours plus tonight, Art. AEW isn’t, uh… GREAT when it comes to getting the word out about that kinda thing; I’m really using creative inference and my Swiss cheese brain to get to that conclusion. They PROBABLY said on Collision; I dunno. Stuff like schedule changes and time changes… that’s definitely something the other guys beat you over the head with and AEW, if they were to copy anything from THAT cursed playbook, should probably follow suit.
Actual correspondence between the wife and I:
E. Convoy: I’ll look forward to another package where Renee attempts to explain the rules of that dumb Clockwork whatever-it’s-called match for the title
DJ Convoy: what if it was Clockwork Knight
DJ Convoy: and PEPPERCHAU showed up
DJ Convoy: and stabbed Edge with a key
E. Convoy: !!!!
C’mere, Adam
So, yeah. Last call for WrestleDream. I’m looking forward to doing something else Saturday, to be perfectly frank. Can this show de-sour me AND make me sweeten? Prob’ly not, but let’s give it the old college try.
The Death Riders are here to battle the Don Callis Family. Is that where we’re headed for Blood and Guts in a few weeks? Oh hey, it’s Wardlow. Remember Wardlow? I’d rather Mark Davis and Jake Doyle… and here they be. YES, SHOW THEM BEATING GABE KIDD. SHOW IT AGAIN AND AGAIN. Let’s hope Wardlow’s muscle integrity can remain, uh… integral. Ah, poor Danny Garcia; I suspect he’s the designated pin eater this week. I guess they are building to Jon Moxley and Davis for Saturday. Wardlow has won me back on side by wanting to help destroy Gabe Kidd. Apparently this is the first time Moxley and Wardlow have ever crossed paths? Hmmm. Sorta exposes Wardlow’s size a bit; obviously these guys would all be HULKING in real life, but in wrestling, it depends on who they are in there with. I’m a little distracted by Marina Shafir, the best second in the business, shadow boxing on the outside. Delightful. I’d be more excited about any of this if I thought Davis had a chance in hell against Mox at the PPV. Well, I was WRONG about Danny eating the pin; CLOSE YOUR EYES (AND COUNT TO FUCK) on Moxley for the win. That’s something, I suppose.
FIVE qualifier matches for the Clockwork Whatnot tonight? Sigh.
I know people who think Edge will be putting over Josh Alexander tonight because they are CANADIAN FRIENDS. Get prepared for disappointment, people. DO IT, EDGE. GET THAT “OPPORTUNITY.” Excalibur speed running the rules for Will Ospreay’s brainchild doesn’t make them any clearer, I’m afraid. Dudes I like shifting down several gears to accommodate Mr. Copeland makes me sad. Edge seems a tad… hobobular tonight. Is “hobobular” a word? CAN it be? Josh stuffed a spear by Edge, that was pretty cool. For some reason, the turnbuckle has been exposed; I guess Edge grabbed it “accidentally.” Oh, good, both of them have hit it. Why? The story of Edge being a secret bad guy continues, I guess. Edge cheats very specifically, dropping Alexander into the buckle on purpose. Ah, spear the second is your finish. WWE legal on call as Edge calls the ladder match from All Out “Tables, Ladders and Chairs.” Allegedly Christian got more than a little hurt during that match, which is more proof ladder matches are dumb and bad. PLEASE RETIRE. Yes! 2027 will be Edge’s last year.
NOT SOON ENOUGH.
Don Callis HATES to interrupt the Edge pity party, but I sure don’t. Don doesn’t want to let Edge REACH 2027, and I’m fully onboard. My beloved Konosuke Takeshita and the stupid Conglomeration came out to help Edge. IT’S A DOUBLE TURN. I hope Edge can manage to retire without accidentally putting anyone over. Maybe he can lose to his hetero lifemate, Christian, once he’s back off of the shelf. HE COULD REALLY USE THE RUB.
Hey, my wife’s wish came true! Renee is the one failing to sell this stupid stip!
Ah, Takeshita came out to battle Brian Cage, avowed steroid fanatic. I mean, they ALL use ’em, but only this doofus is PUBLIC about it. Brian Cage is a (steroid using) MACHINE! Of course Takeshita had to work really hard to put this big gleep away, which shows you EXACTLY where Takeshita is in the pecking order, squashed FIRMLY against the glass ceiling. Mrs. Convoy wants to know why “getting my shit in” is a good thing, a thing to advertise on your tights but as usual, I have no answers for her. Ah, Takeshita BARELY SQUEAKS BY. Cool.
Here’s Ospreay and UNITED EMPIRE WEST. I’m already disassociating.
Hopefully FTR are here to laugh about Edge’s imminent retirement, and maybe they can hasten it along. They still hate the Young Bucks or whatever. Ah, here are the Motor City Machine Guns, instead. MAYBE THIS WILL FINALLY SHUT UP EVERYONE ONLINE WHO HAVE BEEN WHINING ABOUT WHY THEY AREN’T WRESTLING HERE. Chris Sabin says that they have a legacy equal to FTR’s. Alex Shelley wants a best of FIVE series with them? Oy. BIG STOKE isn’t down. I’m not sure if I am, either. He wants it for the pay per view, which is fine, but is NOT particularly an enticement for the folks sitting in my living .
Here’s Hangman Adam Page starring in “As the Swerve Turns.” Brody King shouts “strength through unity” for some reason, and I haven’t the heart to tell him where that little gem comes from.
Ah, poor Myron Reed here to lose to Kazuchika Okada. Again. I am a veteran Okada defender, and I KNOW it was his idea and his favorite band does his theme and WHATEVER, but that music is a fucking BUZZKILL. Actually, Okada gave Reed a lot in their last encounter so this should be fun. A lot of Okada not taking Reed seriously enough type stuff. I like this; have Reed get a LITTLE closer to beating Okada each time and then have Reed upset him in the Continental Classic or something. Yuck, I know, fantasy booking. Well, UNLIKE TAKESHITA, that match did not overstay its welcome.
They have said the words “Clockwork Carnage” so many times the words themselves have lost all meaning.
MJF is your PWI 500 number one. That and a cup of coffee will get you, uh… nothing.
Mojo Brookzz (?) is here from the algorithm to replace Swerve Strickland who is off taking care of family business? I’m, uh… I’m at a loss. Oh look, it’s New Level in their most WWE coded segment yet. THIS IS DEATH. They should have went on remote with Swerve and shown whatever it is that he’s doing. (Joke for exactly one person; what if instead of Mojo Brookzz, it was Ron Browz? WINDOOOWOOOOH)
The mighty THEKLA’s aura is SO punctured by the Sisters of Sin. Hey, did they FINALLY get rid of the awful voice over from the Divine Dominion entrance? Hope that’s permanent. Oh yeah, Mercedes Moné is here, too. Enough with the “big dick energy” stuff, you tryhard dorks. Oops, I mean “BDE,” because you can’t say the other thing on DAVID ELLISON’S SKYDANCE.
Samoa Joe and Tomasso Ciampa (do they go to the same megachurch) are set to face off against Ospreay and Andrade. Maybe if I keep my eyes half shut, I can just watch the Joe and Ospreay parts. Andrade’s… um… escort (?) no sold Ospreay, which was a chuckle. That headband has to go, bruv. YAY, CATCHPHRASES! It’s funny how a couple of workers I don’t care for can really throw a blanket over any enjoyment I may have had. Joe and Ciampa used Megachurch former NXT buddies power to win and choke out Andrade, which I can’t be too upset about. Still, more belt shots, interference, more, well, you know.
More show? Yes, more show.
Ah, Renee interviewing her husband. BRING BACK ALEX MARK-VEZ. Jon made constipation noises and kicked stuff. DRAMA. I get what they are going for here, but it comes off more melodramatic than it does sincere. Moxley doesn’t know what kind of pain he is in (gastrointestinal, I suspect) and his work wife colleague Marina Shafir gave him a cryptic pep talk, which seemed to work, while Renee moaned “what’s wrong” a number of times. Marina should have said “I understand your man better than you do,” and kicked Renee low. Then Hangman could have pointed and laughed.
SAVE THE SHOW, RICOCHET. Imagine, ME saying that. Match with Ace Austin was fine, but everyone felt fatigued, the crowd, the workers, me.
Oh man, a sit down segment with the Young Bucks and Kevin Knight / Kyle Fletcher? Did I turn on the wrong channel? Don mocked Renee, at least. The Bucks superkicked their way into the scene. Okay.
My guy Nick Wayne STILL getting zero reaction. Dunno what the disconnect is other than this Chris Jericho feud sucking on toast. He’s here to crow about beating Jericho. One guy in the crowd screamed “CHRIS JERICHO SUCKS” at the top of his lungs, which was funny. OH BOY, THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. You know what gets me going two hours and forty minutes into a three hour show? An interview, a “celebration” and a video package. Ah, but Jericho has his OWN video package! Nothing says wrestling like DUELING VIDEO PACKAGES. Can Edge please take Jericho with him in 2027? DEATH TV. Gotch knows that I could also use “better lighting,” but whomever lit this segment seemed to have something against both Wayne and Jericho; Wayne had a grim, gray pallor, and Jericho looked like a freshly roughed up catcher’s mitt.
YEAH ANOTHER BACKSTAGE INTERVIEW LET’S GO! Ciampa and Joe said… things. The only thing that can pull this thing out of a nosedive is a Hechicero win in the main event, but that certainly won’t be happening.
Poor Hyan and Dani Luna out to no reaction and a tired crowd. I hear Persephone and Britt Baker (DMD) are working with Tessa Blanchard in CMLL on Friday. And I’m part of the problem there because while I certainly won’t be WATCHING that, I am PAYING for it, so LA EMPRESSA already has my ducats. Great. I’d pull the plug if it weren’t for El Dia due Muertos at the end of the month. Paul Turner, the referee, couldn’t even be bothered to regulate when he caught Britt using her “terrible towel.” More beltference! What is this, like the third time tonight? Good gals won, but the bad gals got the upper hand. Speaking of belts, Queen Aminata is here with a SHOOT BELT! They oughta belt the agents, amirite.***
ANOTHER video package? Well, I suspect it’s for Ilja Dragunov, at least. DO SOMETHING INTERESTING, I BEG.
Big Hech and Darby is your main. Normally, I’d be psyched for this, but I can’t imagine I’m gonna enjoy the finish. What a weird show this has been. Hech and Darby actually doing grappling is fun. ROLLING TAPATÍA?! Fucking SICK. Darby retaliated by CHEATING. What is with these cheating babyfaces? DON’T GO TO COMMERCIAL, IT’S EIGHT THIRTEEN. I like this sort of march, but this is not what you want as your main after three VERY long hours. Darby clearly believes in using every part of the buffalo AND the ring as he continues CHEATING. It’s an all star tribute to Stamford, Connecticut circa 1984! He spams the Coffin Drop a zillion times and wins. Yay. Thanks for coming, Hechicero! You may be a champion elsewhere, but in AEW, the only thing you’re a champion of is carpentry. DCF out to kill Darby. UE out to kill the DCF… Now Edge! Now Ricochet! Now Takeshita! Now Joe! Now Ospreay! Now Okada! Now Darby! No Speedball? Thatsitwegottago!
Yawn.
Overall, an unsuccessful block of programming. No good wrestling to sink one’s teeth into, and a veritable ton of dumb skits, interviews, video packages and drudgery. Special anti shoutout to that grim Nick Wayne segment. I’m begging AEW to do something better with this kid; he’s special.
Sure, you might say, strawman in my head, you already had your mind made up! You didn’t want to like the show, you said you didn’t want to buy the PPV! I suppose I did say that but 1) I never go into a show with the intention to dislike it and 2) you can’t tell me that dull three and a half hours sold ONE extra PPV. Obviously, they won’t stop making B shows like WrestleDream as long as we keep buying them, but this time, they didn’t get their hooks in my wallet… not even close.
*I’m usually not enough of a dick to root for failure, but after well over a year of being told by people that I needed to get used to this guy because he was being brought into be the next “guy,” I am not sorry ONE BIT to see Wolf wallow in mediocrity, due to either himself or his booking or a combination of both. Wildly overhyped and over praised, where a bad performance is always someone else’s fault and an okay performance gets turned into a GREAT one by some online commentators
**Well, okay, there was the so Andrade / Volador Jr. match where Andrade made sure to shoehorn in all of his AEW crap, so, MAYBE there, but Andrade is another issue I seem to be on an island on. I still love the highly sketchy (complimentary) Volador Jr., tho’
***belt in this case meaning strap the living bejeezus outta them
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