La Zona Muerta

Political and old man rant incoming. Please skip ahead if you are not inclined for same.

Maybe it’s just me… I mean, I’m riding high(er) after America’s midterm elections, too… but I think those of you using wrestling terminology to celebrate, making or crossing political memes with wrestling ones… hoping to entice Neo Lib Bluesky weirdos into watching Blood and Guts.. using VINCE MCMAHON REACTION GIFS to go along with winning blue guys, gals and NB pals…

…that ain’t it, chief.

I’m reminded of when the contemptible Ellisons went all in on trying to buy WBD, and so many people’s first reaction was “what about AEW?” and not “what about news media in America?”

Part of the REAL LIFE VILLAIN GANG, stupidly, because reality is a farcical pile of nonsense and danger, is Vince McMahon’s evil, yes, legitimately EVIL wife (or wife in name only or ex-wife or whatever). Paul Levesque was out there yesterday canvassing old ladies and generally has his nose so firmly lodged up RFK’s brainwormed, rotten asshole that you’d need a crowbar to separate the two and some of you are like “What a good lead in for Blood and Guts! The good, liberal wrestling is on Wednesday!” Sometimes I can hardly blame those gross “wrestling is gay and bad and right wing” dorks for looking down on the rest of us. Why would you even want to reach out to those people? Wrestling, in all of it’s strange, gay and occasionally perplexing glory is our thing. It doesn’t have to be theirs. Celebrate by all means, Tuesday had some small measure of catharsis, but don’t be surprised when someone can’t take you seriously for drawing lines between real things and unimportant things.

Here’s the thing, and it gives me no pleasure to say this: one way or another, if you give too much to it, wrestling will break your heart.

I KNOW this to be true because it has broken mine. More than once.

We let ourselves get too attached, we let it grab on to too many parts of our real lives. We let too much of our personality get tied in to the guys and gals we root for. Wrestling is an unique form of theater that has a nearly inexpressible and unexplainable component of reality which all but BEGS for the attachment, sure. It represents a comfort place, certainly for me and probably for a lot of people reading these words… but sometimes we treat it like this vessel that we are counting upon to hold our EVERYTHING… but in reality it’s just this big, silly play featuring nearly naked dudes in their tights, rolling around on the ground together, built by people who are looking to monetize our passion for same.

Yes, AEW presents as the more liberal wrestling place. Obviously nothing AEW has done, ever once, not even Tony Khan firing the ‘Boys’ or being ‘mean’ to Big Swole, adds up to a FRACTION of the legitimately culturally DAMAGING things WWE / TKO have done, up to and including THIS VERY WEEK, but counting on AEW to be this big, liberal catch all because, I dunno, Stephen Woltz works there or because Kyle Fletcher said he’d like to give You Know Who a brainbuster or because a guy said “fuck ICE” that one time is only going to lead to disappointment when AEW doesn’t align on some critical issue. If you count on them too much, they will let you down.

Things weren’t “fixed” Tuesday night. Maybe, MAYBE the wound was stanched. Hopefully. That doesn’t mean it was healed. Enjoy wrestling how you wish, of course. I’m nobody, and I’m yelling into a void. But maybe think twice about aligning wrestling to EVERYTHING ELSE in your life, especially the REAL things. There’s wrestling and there’s real life and the twain should probably have a bit more distance between the two.

Okay, dumb rant and scolding over; you can open your eyes now.

I wish Blood and Guts was more… I wish I was into it. Everyone and their mother, up to and including ME has complained about the (lack of) build, so I don’t really feel like repeating myself… again. Suffice it to say that it’s not great that AEW built up a feud with two actual factions for the pay per view… and it’s not being contested in this big, factional feud ending cage match.*

AEW simply CAN’T use Blood and Guts next year as filler between various pay per views that are coming far too often and too close together. It can’t be a WWE-style Money in the Bank or Elimination Chamber situation where they just do Blood and Guts to DO Blood and Guts, and regardless of what happens on the show, regardless of how good the matches are or aren’t… that’s exactly what’s happening tonight. It’s a bummer, especially after watching the terrific, commentaryless (!) collection of B&G matches AEW put up last week. There IS something to the match format. The average B&G is easily better than the WWE’s bastardized version of War Games, and even the worst B&G… I hate to admit, is better than MOST of the ACTUAL WCW War Games matches, only a couple of which are genuinely special. In other words, AEW HAS SOMETHING WITH THE BLOOD AND GUTS CONCEPT… it’s up to them to not wear it out or ruin it.

We all know the connective tissue is a bit thin. Let’s hope the wrestlers have picked up on that too and bridge the gap.

Oh, ladies first, ladies first. But wait, here’s big Don Callis to chat about Bee and Gee as the ring crew secures the dang thing in place. The Don Callis Family (Wardlow, Mark Davis, Jake Doyle, Kazuchika Okada, Kevin Knight and Kyle Fletcher) has a gameplan. Don Callis is all too happy to violate HIPAA laws when it comes to the Young Bucks, sharing their weaknesses. Kyle Fletcher is the captain, and he’s going to, uh… do a sports analogy or whatever. Dude needs the be the one to win this whole thing, methinks, he NEEDS that credibility going into the match with Ospreay. Hopefully he hurts Edge somehow and Ospreay surrenders on Edge’s behalf.

Ick, Mick Foley! Hide the women! He’s talking to the Bucks, Will Ospreay, Edge, Darby Allin and Sexy Steve™. The good guys are ready, duh. When Foley and Edge shared the screen, I nearly turned it off. Remember when they had a match at WrestleMania? REMEMBER? Bucks are wearing white, bless their hearts. Edge noted that he had to protect the careers of the others because he’s the big, bad veteran or whatever.

So, Women’s Blood and Guts. Persephone, the Divine Dominion, Thekla and her dorks (Skye Blue and Julia Hart) against Willow Nightingale, Harley Cameron, Kris Statlander, Queen Aminata and the Brawling Birds. Women’s plunder matches in AEW almost always deliver, and I hope this is no exception.

The first two in the cage are Megan Bayne and Stat. Bayne unleashed a good ten seconds of profanity before spiking Stat on her head with a rana. They have to get something going with Stat but I couldn’t tell you what; they have tried a LOT with her. The tag team with Harley isn’t a long term solution. Perse out next. Her slide down since All In has been palpable, and it sucks because I like Persephone. She’s extra pissed because of the loss of the TBS title to Aminata, of course. Imagine that… the Queen herself is out next! BOOKING. I know Aminata was crushed in both character and real life last year to miss Bee and Gee, so she will be extra motivated, here, I’m sure. Of course, as I typed that… Chocolate fucking Kisses. The WORST move in wrestling.

LEAVE CHOCOLATE KISSES TO THE IDIOTS ON THE OTHER CHANNEL. CHRIST. THE SINGLEMOST WWE CODED THING ON AEW TV. I can hear Booker T moaning over it RIGHT NOW.

Jesus, Bayne is Muta-scale bleeding over here. Statlander saw Skye Blue coming and went to go kill her on the ramp, but Blue crushed her with a bundle of light tubes. HOLY GOTCH, Bayne just HURLED a chair into Aminata’s face. I think Blue was busted open simply by like entering the cage. Stat is bleeding, too, but the both of them put together is nothing compared to Bayne. Here comes Willow. Skye and Willow getting into a STRIKE EXCHANGE is definitely one of the dumber things I’ve seen recently. Obviously Blue did not, uh, get the better of that. Willow Nightingale had a backpack, and it was full of glass and Legos toy bricks. Joy. Blue, of course, is trying to match Bayne for blood loss but Bayne probably needs a transfusion. Thekla is here. Willow is bleeding now, too, and now it’s Aminata (who once swore to ‘stomp on the spider’) and Thekla in an impromptu strap match! Alex WINDZAAA next with a two by four coated in barbed wire. DON’T CUT BLUE ANY MORE, SHE’S BLEEDING ENOUGH. Bit of a malfunction when Skye Blue had to wait for a chair shot from Alex. Neither of you can figure out how to vamp? Whatever. I think Thekla shot a NET at Alex! Okay, that was a bit of a miss. Lena Kross out next. Ugh, Harley Cameron. She almost killed herself trying to do… something to Skye Blue. Some sorta crucifix bomb, I guess? Skye Blue weighs like one hundred pounds, maybe, and Harley couldn’t do whatever she was trying to do. I know you all love her and the puppet and whatever but this is where THE BEST WRESTLE, yeah? Megan Bayne helped make a Destroyer from Harley look pretty good, so… good job (he said grudgingly). Taz speculated that Cameron brought a CROSSBOW to the ring, but it ended up being one of Jeff Jarrett’s guitars because BREE WOOO. Julia Hart next. I believe she is wearing brass knuckles, which made us CACKLE. She is the smallest, SLIGHTEST woman in the ring. Brass knucks? She’d need a brass candlestick to actually hurt someone. Last gal would be Jamie Hayter. The Brawling Birds go to work on Thekla who is stuck in a trash can. A million fetishes were born, one suspects. Someone set up a table, which of course the crowd started to chant for, as opposed to the women all bleeding to death. Sigh. The Dominion gals THREW Kris Stat into the cage and she slid down / fell down the gap between the cage and the ring, which looked REALLY unsafe. Brutal, and looked even worse on the replay; I screamed out loud. Camera missed Thekla curb stomping Harley. Another table? Why not, the crowd is flagging. Fortunately Stat seems to be ambulatory. I predict Bayne will be the bloodiest wrestler tonight, even amongst the men; she has lost a CRAZY amount of blood. Persephone ascends the cage to deliver a splash to Aminata through a table. Powerbomb on Bayne by Jamie! That’s a lotta gal. Kris Statlander and some well placed chair shots got the crowd back. DVD by Willow on Thekla! That looked TOUGH. Hart Attack (I won’t call it the other thing)! Julia Hart taps to an inexpertly applied single leg crab from Harley and a barbed wire assisted choke from Stat for the win. They all worked hard, and a couple of those bumps were nasty, just repulsive, but the finish was a bit of a damp squib. Bayne was 100% the star of the match. Blood! Also, to a lesser extent, guts.

Video package and interview time while the long suffering ring crew does their thing.

Andrade loves the fans. Goody.

Swerve Strickland is here! Ugh, the New Level intercepted him, or at least Austin Creed did and wants to know why Swerve went so far with Bandido. Swerve pointed out that Bandido had defeated them, and therefore deserved to be beaten. Creed disagrees, but… Kofi is being killed off screen… by Bandido! Hell yeah! Now Bandido and Swerve are brawling into the live arena. Bandido was going to CRUSH Swerve with some steel truss, but Creed saved Swerve. BANDIDO AIN’T HAVIN’ IT. Bandido was about to press slam Creed into THE SHADOW REALM, but PRINCE NANA (?!) made the save! Here’s Hangman Adam Page and Brody King. “He took my mask, he took my honor and I will TAKE HIS LIFE!” screamed Bandido. FUCK YEAH. BANDIDO ends up being the one who now wants Texas Death! Now, this, THIS was a great bit of business. Fantastic stuff, especially from Bandido, who has every right to be homicidal.

Conglomeration promo. The Conglomos are mad… but uh oh… here’s Jon Moxley? Moxley points out he’s drawn things out of Orange Cassidy that no one else has. He needs people he can trust. The Death Riders are going to Full Gear, regardless… will OC and the Conglomeration help take on the Cut? I mean, yeah, probably. I’d imagine it was Jon Moxley confronting these guys solo because Marina Shafir would have scoffed at the idea.

Here’s Mercedes Moné in a “blood” motif. Since she, uh… didn’t participate in the Bee and Gee, that’s a tad goofy. She immediately dismissed Renee Paquette (high five, Mercedes. Maybe you are the best) and called out Shafir. MARINA, I BEG YOU. Mercedes called Marina “Jon Moxley’s bitch.” Marina offered to settle it in the cage RIGHT NOW. If only. Being the biggest star doesn’t make you the most dangerous, Marina points out. Also? Mercedes “hits like a pussy-ass bitch.” Mercedes beat uo Marina and put on her so-so crossface to wrap the segment. When you get out promoed by Marina Shafir…

Repeat of “Nick Wayne: Kick streamer” from Saturday. Great gimmick, but I don’t know how it will work in ring. Hey wait, he’s here! He’s going to the awful Chris Jericho cruise on Saturday. Bless. They might have something with this gimmick.

Recapping the Machine Guns / FTR deal.

Okay, men’s Bee and Gee and TONY SCHIAVONE IS FIRED UP, DAWG. Kyle Fletcher out first. It’s six thirty… this is gonna last awhile. Special Darby entrance with the skating and the flips and etc. Sexy Steve™ throws Darby in a body bag into a crowd at some gig to crowd surf? I dunno, man. Just show him running the marathon or something. Darby unbodybagged himself. Is that a word? Unbodybagged? Who cares. Commentary puts over the marathon man. Well, somebody ought to. Yes, Don Callis on comms! He gives his men WHAT THEY NEED. Darby has already taken a variety of gnarly bumps in the first two minutes alone. Darby doing some crazy pushing off the cage dive thing! ImPRASSive, Taz malaproped. Kevin Knight next! To be fair, while the match wasn’t particularly well built, the wrestlers do all have various levels of history, and Darby went right after Knight, which totally makes sense; they have unfinished business together. Darby is probably the perfect choice of anyone in the entirety of WRESTLING to get beat on for the first five minutes. The referee needed to check to see if “Darby is still with us!” Cripes. Nick Jackson next. “Lucha libre!” screamed Nick as he did a wacky lucha thing to Fletcher and Knight at the same time. SUCK IT, HIPAA. Destroyer on Fletcher! Big Jake next. In OVERALLS! Mrs. Convoy: “He looks like a rural murderer!” He does, indeed. Matt next! Typical Bucks style offense on Knight and Fletcher. Here comes RURAL MURDERER JAKE DOYLE. Fuck Tomasso Ciampa being the “Psycho Killer,” this guy looks dangerous. Powerbomb on a trash can! Fletcher is bleeding buckets. Nick busted open, too. Dangerous Mark Davis ALSO in coveralls! This might need to be the look going forward. Darby dropped onto Davis and Doyle from the roof of the cage… but they caught him! Oh god, he took the Statlander bump from earlier. Mrs. Convoy is CACKLING with glee. DCF need a gang sign. Claimin’ DCF for real! Reppin’ Don! Ugh, Edge and a chair next. Singing his song should be punishable by having to listen to other fans singing his song. Chair shots for all because duh. YES, KILL EDGE. Whoa, it’s the war dog, Wardlow. Oh man, he got the double knee brace like Steve Austin (and I don’t mean the bionic guy). Edge wasn’t being real cooperative, so Wardlow sought out Darby. I would, too. Of course Edge makes a one man comeback on the DCF. Big boy senton to Edge through a table by Wardlow! “Oh, Steve Borden? He’ll turn the tide,” Mrs. Convoy deadpanned. Stever splash! Is that a thing? Can I get paid? Steve retrieved some tacks. I mean, we already saw REAL GLASS, dog. He who dealt them, felt them as Steve gets a bit tacky. L’il Kazu with a leaf blower! HE’S BLOWING THE TACKS OUT OF THE RING. What a great man. Dropkick to Nick’s FACE. Maybe they will do a crazy dropkick clash spot? Get Knight in there for a dropkick-off. Human puppy dog Will Ospreay is your final man… THE MATCH BEYOND CAN BEGIN! We are not your kind?! WE ARE NOT YOUR KIND! May as well do it, given who’s on the other channel. Pretty decent DDSteve administered by the rookie. Brainbuster on Edge by Fletcher! Uh oh, Ospreay and Fletcher square off! Fletcher DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR THE CHANTS! They’re too evenly matched! Hidden Blade! Knight slipped his partner a barbed wire chair… Coast to Coast? Bad camera angle showed the light on that one. They NEVER film the Coast to Coast to best effect. Ugh, Darby is the mad bomber AGAIN and Wardlow was blown up by a Darby boobytrap. I get it; Wardlow wasn’t around for the previous shenanigans, so he was VULNERABLE. The Bucks donned some tacked shoes. Superkick party on Davis and Doyle! Don Callis gave Fletcher the goddamned SCREWDRIVER. Plus one to obnoxiousness. Stabs for everyone! Ospreay BIT his way out of being stabbed. Knight took the Stat bump! Brainbuster on Ospreay onto the chair! Scorpion Death Drop to Fletcher by Darby! Don Callis provoked Darby, and Darby SLIPPED OUT OF THE CAGE! RUN DON! Wardlow used gimmicked raw strength to break out of the cage and killed Darby with the WHOLE DAMN DOOR! Darby and Wardlow are climbing (how is Darby okay?!). WARDLOW CARRIED DARBY IN A SUPLEX POSITION ACROSS THE TOP OF BOTH CAGES! Is he going over…? Not yet. Edge is spearing people. Low blow by Okada! Spiked sleeve for Okada! Edge ducks the Rainmaker attempt and spears Okada through a table. Don is a bit… shaky. NO CONCHAIRTO, I BEG. Davis and Doyle start TRUCKING Edge, just smashing his shit in. Yes, chain Edge to the cage! EE CEE DUB! EE CEE DUB! My prediction, friends, MY PREDICTION. Darby gets powerbombed! Kyle DEMANDS Edge quit or all the good guys get killed in various ways. Kyle is going to SLIT OSPREAY’S JUGULAR WITH THE SCREWDRIVER! Jesus! Edge… wait for it… surrenders. Kyle, kill them all anyway! Kyle commands… “DO IT!” YES! Darby goes off of the cage! Jesus Christ! Fortunately, I guess Roppongi Vice must have set up some tables for Darby to go through, but that was NASTY, anyway. My prediction would probably have been better if AEW were moving towards Edge and Ospreay, but they appear to have backed off on that for now.

Look, I admittedly went into that whole thing pretty sour… but weak finish in the women’s Bee and Gee aside (it just kinda stopped), it was pretty good overall. I’m on the record as not being a big Megan Bayne fan but she was undoubtedly the MVP of that match and she raised her profile in MY eyes if that counts for anything.** Darby, man… DARBY earned his fucking paycheck this week, that’s for damn sure. The men’s match was fine. Not as strong as last year’s outing, but still pretty entertaining. Bandido angle was OUTSTANDING. Not a bad show, and the excessive heel heat to lead us into the pay per view feels appropriate for once.

*I realize it’s too early to climax Death Riders versus the Cut; my point is they actually built this particular example of interfactional warfare up while this other, lesser thing was going on

**It doesn’t