La Zona Muerta

It’s funny; last week I ended up relatively high on the Blood and Guts thing and a lot of people apparently weren’t... or they wanted to turn it into some weird “the girls are better than the boys” thing, as if it was some sort of contest. As if the men and the women didn’t both work hard, or that they somehow have control over positioning and booking. One match isn’t necessarily better than the other due to BLOODSHED, folks… if that were the sole arbiter, Megan Bayne is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. I saw one person derisively dismiss the men’s Bee and Gee as “Darby falls off of roof,” which was just INCREDIBLY reductive. If you liked the women’s match better… great, even if I thought the ending sort of sucked. If you’re sick of “Darby Allin falls off of thing,” I can certainly understand that, too… it’s very risky and doesn’t really get the reaction it used to*. Your enjoyment is your enjoyment; that isn’t what I’m talking about at all. If you liked the women’s version better, it doesn’t necessarily mean the men did a BAD job; it just means that while logistically two matches probably makes sense, for viewing pleasure, two Blood and Guts matches is probably one too many, especially when neither match had a strong reason for happening. I’ve ranted about the weird “men versus women” undercurrent amongst a certain segment of AEW fans before**… as if the women and men DON’T BOTH PLAY FOR THE SAME TEAM. One does not succeed if the other fails. I get that a segment, a vocal segment of the audience feels the women in AEW are underserved… but tearing down the men’s efforts doesn’t seem to me to be the best way to redress that balance.

Great, now I’m basically a “not all men” weirdo, yelling at people for liking a women’s match.

Anyway.

Something I feel like a few people missed in the ending to the men’s match (and to be fair, the camerawork is never great on these things) is that it wasn’t just Will Ospreay being threatened with jugular pokery by Kyle Fletcher, leading to the finish. ALL of the babyfaces were in some sort of insurmountable peril (the Bucks were going to be piledriven again, Darby was going to be thrown… presumably Sexy Steve™ was going to have acid applied to his beautiful face or something else equally perilous), which is why the odious Edge had to throw in the towel. If… ugh, the worst comes to pass and Edge challenges for the men’s heavyweight title… Ospreay can have that to fall back on. “You shouldn’t have surrendered, bruv!” even though he clearly should have. It made sense to me, but I guess to some people it felt a bit thin. I thought Julia Hart just randomly tapping out after all of the violence and bloodshed in the women’s match was a bit thin, too, but swings and roundabouts, I guess. I think some of the pushback on the men’s match finish might just come down to a bit too much bad guy winning heat, but that’s really more a function of having to do YET ANOTHER PAY PER VIEW IN A COUPLE OF DAYS (this is ppv number four, counting All In in under 80 days); the bad guys needed to go over. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Of course, while I rarely, if ever talk about ratings here, since that’s pretty much the most dull component of ANY wrestling analysis and isn’t fully understood by ANYONE who talks about them, the ratings for the Bee and Gee special mean that Blood and Guts will be a yearly fixture for quite some time to come. That’s surely going to mean two of them, back to back, every November. Let’s hope that the next time Bee and Gee comes around, they actually have some heated, worthwhile feuds to GO with the match!

Alright, so we’re looking at one of those combined Dynamite and Collision dealies… so over THREE HOURS PLUS, ART. Let’s strap in.

Oh man, my eyes glazed over during all of the “coming up tonight” stuff, but I think I saw EL CLON in there somewhere! Life is GOOD.

Will Ospreay was shown complaining in the back last week to Edge. Uh oh. IT’S HAPPENING. Edge said to “shut up.” Boy, that Adam Copeland is a good actor. Cough. This was exactly when a certain spouse walked in the door. “That’s the real Copeland,” she laughed. Edge said maybe AEW wasn’t the place for him and y’know, I couldn’t agree more.

Kyle Fletcher came out and was promptly interrupted by the aforementioned Ospreay. Bitter friends, stiffer enemies or whatever. Kyle won’t listen to the “BS,” which I appreciated. I don’t want to listen to BIG SHOW, either. Kyle admonished the crowd for being RUDE to Don Callis. Kyle figured he and Will were overdue for a conversation. Was Kyle shaving his head REALLY two years ago? That’s the exact moment I started to like him. Kyle Fletcher does not, in fact, look stupid. Ospreay has done a lot in those two years, too; had neck surgery, got married, became world champion. Kyle’s done an awful lot himself in that time, including becoming an excellent promo. Will is proud of Kyle, despite everything. Kyle can’t say the same, of course. Given the opportunity, Kyle would happily stab Will in the neck or drop him on his head with the Tiger Driver.

Was this seminal moment REALLY two years ago?

Kyle wants CREDIT for ACTUALLY being the one who broke Will’s neck. Ospreay was only able to keep going thinking about the pop he would get when his music hits; the adrenaline from it. For him, that theme is a call to arms. Now THIS is the Ospreay I like! Even WITH a broken neck… Will has beat Kyle twice… and now he’s 100% (yeah right, NO wrestler is EVER at 100%). Ospreay had the truck replay the All In entrance where he and Kyle locked eyes. What was Kyle REALLY feeling that day? “Nothing,” sneered Kyle. Will thinks Kyle still loves him, deep down. Nope… Kyle felt JEALOUS. This is great, too bad it’s a RAW-style twenty minutes opening promo. Will is disappointed; this match could have been two brothers fighting for the gold, and it still COULD be that. Will still loves Kyle. Kyle thinks Ospreay is a gaslighter and manipulator. One day, Will’s WIFE and SON will realize it, too. All Kyle has left is hatred. Will tells Kyle he has improved immeasurably, but he’s not on even ground with what Ospreay has become. Kyle SLAPPED him before Ospreay could finish his catchphrase. A touch melodramatic, a touch long, yeah, but overall this was GOOD STUFF.

Oh man, Kazuchika Okada versus Edge at the PPV? Yuck. They aren’t, uh… they aren’t gonna run this back at the TOKYO DOME, are they?

The New Level are all serious and angry or whatever. Ah, they’re facing Brody King and Bandido, hence the anger. Anger is an energy. I sense shenanigans are approaching. Wild brawl before the bell. Tony Schiavone says the “evil” of Swerve Strickland has seeped into the New Level. Hmmmm. Brody throws Austin Creed into the ring to finally start the match, but Creed takes it back outside. Tope from Bandido. Crossbody from Kofi. MUCH SERIOUS. THIS IS MY SERIOUS FACE. GRRRR. Bandido = strong. Yes, this is the world class analysis you come here for. Creed hit some sort of rolling Fisherman’s buster thingie on Bandido. Brody tope! Bandido DEMANDS a table… and the match is thrown out…? Ah, a double countout. Ugh. Brody obediently gets the table anyway, like a good partner. New Level save themselves and Kofi smashes Brody through the table instead… so Bandido starts HURLING MEN at Creed. Okay. I hate stuff like a double countout (the only worse finish is a double disqualification) but obviously they had to cut that off so they could save something for Saturday. Even so… this is AEW, not the other place. Come onnnnnn. Save the fuck finishes for Netflix.

Various AEW wrestlers who served in the military talk briefly about Veteran’s Day. Big Bobby Lashley couldn’t be bothered because duh.

The good gal women post Blood and Guts were very catty for whatever reason, despite WINNING. “Oy, guv’nor” and so on. Twenty minute promo, double countout, catty women… DID I TURN ON THE WRONG CHANNEL.

Save the show, Orange Cassidy! Oh wait, he can’t because here comes David Finlay. Teasing another countout? Heavens. Oh no, the dreaded shilleagh! Did I spell that right? Who cares. Ughhhhhh. I assume Jon Moxley will save OC…? Nope, apparently not. I guess good wrestling and good finishes are NOT the priority tonight.

Why is Andrade el Idolo’s Money in the Banl (sic) contract now in a SHADOWBOX? I’m drifting, folks. You made me a shadowboxer, baby. I wanna be ready for what you do.

Big Stokely Hathaway says Lexy Nair is dumb. No comment, but I love Big Stoke. I love him so much.

Dr. Britt Baker is here… with Persephone! Perse, I BEG. Whatever has been wrong lately… FIX IT. Persephone versus LOCAL TALENT (actually a young woman named Gypsy Mac. Is that allowed in Woke 3?). Britt immediately emasculated Tony, so all is right with the world. The match wasn’t even a minute long.

Renee Paquette is here to interview her archenemy, Hangman Adam Page. Page knows Swerve better than anyone on Earth. He thought they had put all this behind them, but Swerve demanded Texas Death, and you don’t come out of Texas Death unscathed. Renee, don’t you dare laugh. STOP SMIRKING. Where’s Stokely when you need him? Anyway, Hangman says Brody and Bandido WANT this and they will walk into the mouth of Hell together. Brody is into hate. Y’all gonna turn me back into the old me. GO ATHEISM. Bandido, of course is likely a very, very devout Catholic so hopefully his ears were closed. Hopefully the aggressively Mormon sections of the crowd ALSO missed it. Plates and all that. Oops, the boos say that they heard him.

FTR / MCMG part five. Is this, too, gonna have a fuck finish to give us part SIX on the PPV? The story this time is Alex Shelley has a bum knee. I CAN FEEL IT. I CAN FEEL THE COSMOS (and the fuck finish). Shake them ropes. I love it when you shake them ropes. Stoke is very extra in this match, of course. Alex Shelley, the shoot PHYSICAL THERAPIST is really going hard on that knee, huh? When my knee feels even SLIGHTLY gummy, I don’t even leave the house. The expert truck’s a comin’, and so is the time limit draw. About a minute of spot calls with Shelley and Dax. These guys like… they shouldn’t even NEED to call spots. Certainly Shelley shouldn’t with more than a dozen Japanese tours under his belt. Big Stoke takes a big knee. FTR with a save. MCMG with a save. Paul Turner catches Stokely cheating but STILL doesn’t ban him? CRADLESHOCK on Stokely! Bless his heart. Somehow, valiant Shelley kicks out of a STUFF PILEDRIVER. Boy. QUIT CALLING SPOTS. FTR can’t figure out how to hit the piledriver again because…? Somehow Shelley reverses and gets the pin? Huh. Well, I’m happy to be wrong because they teased the draw so hard. CODE OF HONOR ADHERED TO. Match was alright. None of the five matches will be remembered in a month, I’m sorry to say.

What is the deal with these “AEW loves _____” city spots they have been doing the past few weeks?

Tomasso Ciampa is still calling his belt nicknames JUST LIKE HE DID IN THE OTHER PLACE. Maybe Speedball Mike Bailey can win this one…?

Yeah, I know.

Speedy catches Ciampa RIGHT in the face with an errant shin on a Skytwister Press (!) to the outside. BACK LEG FRONT KICK (very nearly the alternate name for La Zona Muerta but someone essentially beat me to it many years ago with the tremendous Front Leg Back Kick column for Armpit Wrestling. Ah, the Armpit). Bailey was like “I’m not taking that stupid Air Raid Crash to the floor.” No, he took it to the apron, instead. UGH. Project Ciampa! Somehow, Bailey kicks out! Too valiant! Bailey won’t quit because babyface! Couple of hot nearfalls (and one whiffed boot by Ciampa so bad that Excalibur had to cover by saying it was a “glancing blow”). Ciampa slapped the leg even on his missed running knee. THAT’S dedication. Shooty Boy knees! BITING THOSE GROSS FEET?! Brb, gonna vom. BAILEY ACTUALLY HIT ULTIMA WEAPON! No, Ciampa kicks out! Flamingo Driver…? No, more biting! AVALANCHE Project Ciampa?! No! Running knee? No! GIVE BAILEY THE STRAP! Bailey throws his mouthguard at in DEFIANCE! Another knee and… that’s it. Man, if you’re gonna have Speedball kick out of everything and the kitchen sink, have him win! Ciampa doesn’t need a title… but it’s for someone else to pick up that win… as Ilja Dragunov and his MAGIC METRANOME appear. Guess it’s on like Donkey Kong for Full Gear.

Excalibur reminds me that it’s a THREE HOUR BROADCAST (yeah, right) as it’s Jay White and Mercedes Moné versus Mox and Marina Shafir next. Moné and JAY WHITE-O joined forces on the Jericruise last weekend. Behind the scenes how the sausage is made department: auto correct turned “Jericruise” into “jerk those knees.” No, YOU jerk those knees. Oh god, these entrances are gonna take forever… I can probably go pee.

I did, indeed have time to pee.

Sorry, TMI. I get weird when I’m tired. Well, more weird.

Jay White telling the referee to back Marina up is GIVING ME LIFE. I just have to hold on long enough to see EL CLON. RENDER UNTO ME EL CLON. Marina kicked Jay in the bum. You know, Bloodsport has been in the (not) news all week as dummies battle over scraps (and less than scraps) over the name and style and who invented it (wither my man Nobuhiko Takada? Actually, let’s talk Akira Maeda and Satoru Sayama), but Bloodsport is where this version of Marina was able to find herself, becoming the best heater in wrestling today (easily) and a vastly improved worker, to boot. She’s probably the best part of the Death Riders in a lot of ways, and Bloodsport allowed her to unlock that, so… that’s something in Bloodsport’s favor, at least. The thought occurs she and Jay White could probably have a fun, little match if someone were so inclined. Actually, this match is pretty fun as it is. Double submission holds, but only the women are legal! Jay had NO PROBLEM hitting the Bladerunner on Marina! Here comes Mox… low blow by Mercedes! Cutter by Jon! Cutthroat suplex… no! Big lariat by Jon! Money Maker… No! BRUTALIZER BY MARINA! MONÉ TAPS! I love that Marina got to inherit the Brutalizer... But Moné attacks and so does the Cut! Conglomeration are… conglomerating! Good guys stand tall and Mox shakes OC’s hand. Moné hits one more cheapshot… because… heat? They already did this. Still, very fun match.

The Triangle of Isosceles or whatever speak on Blood and Guts and revenge and… Oh my god, are we getting EL CLON?! Turn that H on it’s SIDE ’cause Hologram stinks. Oh boy, a FOUR MAN BOOTH. BRING ME MEN. MORE MEN.

Young Bucks and their jungle-based friend Jack Perry versus Kevin Knight (I just got an autograph from him via the miracle of the TOKON SHOP), big roided up Brian Cage and ENHANCED BY AI EL CLON. He downloaded the fun patch, one supposes. Various bugs and fixes. ASK HIM WHY HE BOUGHT SO MANY EGGS.*** GET STINKY CAGE OUTTA HERE; THIS IS CLON COUNTRY. EL CLON is clearly the biggest threat as the Bucks AND Perry all had to attack him at once. Perry did a good lucha thing™, I guess. EL CLON greater than. Is there a shirtless man in the front row? What is this, Monday Night Nitro? It MAY be a shirt in a delightful honky shade. Perry singled him out because of course he did. God, I love Kevin Knight. He and Perry probably have a real good singles match in them, even if I don’t really love the whole Perry… thing. DON’T LET CLON BE THE PIN EATER. No WONDER I can’t build my NAS cloud server thingie; the RAM and storage all went to EL CLON. The Bucks nearly lose stinky Cage whilst carrying him to the LED boards. Perry runs the boards and hits him. They can’t pin Knight here, and Cage probably ruptured every single muscle simultaneously on the outside, so I guess Clon HAS to eat the pin. DCF run a train on Perry… UFO… 1,2, no! Superkick Party on stupid Cage. Anti Air on Knight! BTE TRIGGER ON CLON… I told you not to! Scum. Tony Schiavone said this was the OPENING MATCH and it is 7:50 PM.

Huh? Sky Team?!

Devine Dominion are angry women. They weren’t the ones that lost Blood and Guts, which is a good point.

Perry calls out Samoa Joe. Again. Bucks promo on Davis and Doyle. THAT will be a fun match. Matt Jackson is FIRED UP.

Wardlow squash? You’re KILLING ME, Tony Khan. No, not Nick Comoroto as faux Brody King! Ew, swarthy, matted and coarse. JESUS CHRIST WARDLOW ALMOST LOST COMOROTO. He was visibly STRAINING to lift him, muscles TREMBLING like me trying to put up *amount removed by editor* on the bench and almost dropped him; he had to reposition like at least twice before FINALLY delivering the powerbomb. TERRIFYING, and not in a good way. “End this experiment and fire Wardlow immediately,” an angry woman in my living room spat, “before someone gets their neck broke.”

Bless Maya World and Hyan; one year of being professionals who took an opportunity and ran with it.

Uh, randomly, it’s the Swirl versus Sky Team? Imagine if they gave this a few minutes to really cook in Arena Mexico. Yeah, I’m sure they LOVE Me Muero in UTAH. To be sure, these plate worshippers**** did chant “Mistico, Mistico.” I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about him here, and obviously what I’m about to say isn’t TRUE, not really, but I think Mascara Dorada kind of low key stinks. Obviously he DOESN’T, but I definitely don’t think he’s the heir apparent to Mistico or whatever. He’s… inconsistent, let’s say. Then again, I know people who have only ever seen half effort Mistico and think that HE sucks, too, so there you are. We all have abhorrent opinions. THE POWER OF MISTICO COMPELS THE CROWD TO CHEER. Bless. The Swirl (no, auto correct, not the Swill) should be like mid card gatekeepers. I guess they sort of are, but mid card might be generous. Did they mess up the finish? They called La Mistica, but Shotty Lee Johnson… they said he countered it… did he? Er… Mistico won, anyway. Before I could analyze the footage like the fucking Zapruder film… NICK WAYNE interrupts the celebration, chat! Oh my god, this little douchebag. This gimmick is kinda great. He beat Chris Jericho… twice. Wait, that’s it? Not even challenging Mistico or anything? Nope, just winmaxxing. Absolutely amazing.

Okay, our main event is Skye Blue, Hyan and Queen Aminata. I am FLAGGING, here and Queen Aminata throwing potatoes is the only cure. What, a COMMERCIAL?! It is 8:26 PM! I’d imagine we will be cutting back to Paul Turner whispering to Aminata to go home when the show comes back. Gotta get those last six ads for ZEPBOUND in. The ladies are just hitting spots with as much speed as they can muster. GET YOUR SHIT IN! I guess Blue has to lose here, since Hyan is apparently challenging Athena at the ROH PPV. Aminata KILLS Hyan with a chair on the outside… and Blue just HUCKS a chair of her own into Aminata’s face. Jesus! Jesus, again! Aminata kicks Hyan SHOOTWAY with a missile dropkick… and then takes out Blue! 1, 2, 3! Britt is out to distract the Queen… and Persephone strikes! Tony points out that was the oldest trick in the book… and he was correct. Maya World makes the save. Ah; Queen Aminata versus Persephone versus Maya World on the Tailgate Brawl before the PPV. FUCK ME IT IS 8:37. END! Ex says that the Road to Full Gear is NEXT. Like FUN it is.

Very mixed bag of a show. I thought the opening promo was TREMENDOUS but it was awfully LONG. I GET the reason for the New Level / Bandido / Brody King countout but maybe it should have just been a cool brawl in the back or something, instead. FTR / MCMG was aggressively fine. I’m still half expecting Stokely to, I dunno, file an injunction or something. Tune in Saturday! I have to admit, while I’m not really a big fan of either guy, Speedball / Ciampa was quite good, even if it was a touch hard to suspend disbelief towards the end with the finisher spam. Half of me loves big kickouts like that and the other half rolls it’s eyes. Eye. Whatever. Moxley / Shafir versus White and Moné was very fun, very good work. I don’t generally LOVE Anarchy in the Arena, but it should be alright. Elite and DCF was good. Swirl / Sky Team could have been a blast under different circumstances. The squashes sorta sucked, especially when Wardlow nearly killed a man due to LACK OF STRENGTH. Strength is his whole DEAL! One might say his ONLY deal.

I’d say this long, long show definitely increased my desire to see the PPV, which, of course is the main goal of a go home show… but it was also a loooonnnng evening. Sense a pattern, here? Loooonnnng. There was a lot, a LOT of inessential fat that could have been trimmed. I always roll my eyes when certain people bitch about AEW shows running long, but AEW does itself no favors with running a three hour show for three hours and thirty seven minutes and so much filler. If it’s wall to wall action for three and a half hours, suck it, podcasters and blogosphere. When it’s… this… you might find yourself being seduced into thinking they have a point.

*and hey, look, if Darby shows up totally fine on Dynamite after having fell off of the roof of the fucking cage, I’ll complain as loudly and as long as ANYONE

**see the All In 2025 review, where the women’s Casino Gauntlet was indisputably better than the men’s, but it wasn’t because the women DID better or worked any harder, it wasn’t because of a lack of effort on the part of the men; the women’s match had a different and MUCH better match layout. That’s not on the PERFORMERS or their GENDER, that’s on the garbage agenting

***my own insipid AI encounter this week; we have an Alexa in the bathroom to listen to music or news when showering and doing, well… bathroom things. That means whenever we get an Amazon delivery, it sits and waits, GLOWING until one of us happens to walk by and ask it what the notification is for. I walked by earlier this week and it told me “Lupin the 3rd has arrived!” I said “wow, really?” in a sarcastic voice. The sarcasm was perhaps a bit lost on Alexa. “That’s right! Do you like anime action figures?” it asked. “Uh, yes,” I replied, “but was this an action figure?” I didn’t remember buying a Lupin action figure, but that does seem like something I might do. “Yes! There’s an S.H. Figuarts of Lupin the 3rd!” Alexa enthused. “Okay, but is that what I ordered?” I asked. “I don’t remember buying a Lupin the 3rd Figuarts.” “Yes! Lupin the 3rd has arrived!” it chirped. I sighed and left, and pulled up my purchase history, and I couldn’t figure out what the Hell it was talking about. Then, it hit me; I had preordered a Lupin the 3rd anime a while back. It wasn’t an action figure that had arrived, it was a stupid blu ray. Determined to SET THINGS STRAIGHT, I went back to Alexa a while later. “Alexa, do you remember when we talked about Lupin the 3rd earlier?” I asked. “I sure do!” Alexa beamed. “Do you want to talk more about action figures?” “No. That was a Lupin the 3rd BLU RAY that was delivered earlier.” “Oh, that’s my bad,” Alexa started to confess, but I cut it off. “You brought up action figures without me prompting it and kept going on about it-” I said, trying to chide the thing, but then it cut ME off. “I’ll try to stick to the topic in the future,” it sulked.

****oh, I kid. I could have mentioned the underwear thing and I didn’t